beancounter parodies

I walk the mime

Sung to the tune of Johnny Cash's "I Walk The Line".

Written by Guest Parodist Otto

People are loud, brash, and so unrefined
You prefer silence, it is more sublime
I'm not like Moe, Curly, or that Larry Fine
To make you mine, I walk the mime

I try so hard not to be so thin-skinned
Trapped in a box or walking in the wind
Go to confession if by chance you've sinned
Because you're mine, I walk the mime

My shirt and pants, sacre chat, yes, they are tight
They could be let out in the seat a mite
If you don't like it, not applauding is your right
Go suck a lime, I walk the mime

I truly hope that you stay by my side
My love for you grows as the rising tide
Cook us light meals, I can't become too wide
Our love stops time, I walk the mime

The $6 Billion Man

What would the 6 Million Dollar Man cost today? $6 billion, more likely ... More importantly, would Colonel Steve Austin's gentle 70's sensibilities make it in the 21st century?

Show intro:

"Steve Austin. Astronaut. A man barely alive.

"We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better ... Stronger ... Faster.

"But first, we need to fill out these legal forms from the EPA about mitigating the negative environmental impacts of bionics technology. Then we have to respond to an accusation from NOW that we discriminated against several critically injured women as candidates for radical bionics repair. Next, we have to deal with the motion picture, TV, promotional and international rights, residuals and cybernetic rights accruing from any possible media tie-ins this  project may engender. Which reminds me - register "bionicman.com" right away. Plus, we've got three lawsuits from witnesses to the crash, claiming 'extreme mental anguish' due to one of Colonel Austin's arms ended up in their swimming pool, not to mention that Fox News has  already accused us of backing Hillary in 2008."

Premiere Episode:

Steve Austin is banned from his local hipster coffee shop when it's discovered all his special adaptations mess up the local wifi network. He is content to stay at home, drink Sanka, and learn how to surf the web, but the government has other plans for him. He is directed to infiltrate and disrupt a WTO protest rally. He succeeds by jamming all the iPhones, which forces all the protesters to drop their signs and run to the Apple store for tech support.

Episode Two:

In the course of his spy duties, Steve Austin uses his bionic eye in a crowd of 7th grade Girl Scouts. Unable to prove his innocence in what amounts to a thought-crime, he is hustled through the legal system and fitted with an electronic ankle bracelet before you can say 'Rule of Law'. When he tries to leave for a mission in Kuwait, he sets off security alarms at the airport.

Final Episode:

Colonel Austin is sent by the government to "free  political prisoners" held by terrorists in Venezuela. Once there, he discovers the terrorist is really President Hugo Chavez. Colonel Austin has an  existential crisis about whether the US has the right to cynically interfere in world affairs. Special guest star Geoffrey Rush plays a high-level Blackwater sniper who kills Colonel Austin and gives the Venezuela mission to Jack Bauer.

Snape's on a Plane

[via the innernets]

Revenge, or whatever

We're getting a jump on the pre-production film by presenting  ...

Sweeney Todd: The Movie

as directed by Kevin Smith

Mrs. Lovett: [Played by ?? I'm thinking Lara Flynn Boyle but I'll take suggestions.] So it IS you! Sweeney F*king Todd! My old tenant! Back from the dead!

Sweeney Todd: [Played by Brian Halloran] OK, yeah, you guessed it. It's me. [Sighs.] Whataya want now, a f*cking medal?

Mrs. Lovett: What the hell are you doing back on Fleet Street?

Sweeney Todd: Oh, I dunno. I thought I’d, y’know, see about opening up the ol' barber shop again. Try and get some new customers, take up where I left off. Look up my old friends, Jay and Silent Bob. Just try and forget the whole shitty experience of being accused of a crime I didn’t commit, convicted by a corrupt judge, manumitted to a penal colony in Australia for years, losing my wife and daughter and all that happy horseshit.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, Mr. Todd, speaking of your family, I know for a fact your daughter is alive but about to be raped by the very judge who sentenced you. And your wife? She became a crazy homeless skank.

Sweeney Todd: [Stares off into the distance] On the other hand ... there's always Revenge. Yeah. Revenge might work, too. Whatever.

Mrs. Lovett: Great. Lemme find that room key …

A man, a plan

We're getting a jump on the pre-production film by presenting  ...

Sweeney Todd: The Movie

As Directed by Ivan Reitman [I go with my strengths, too - pam]

Sweeney [Played by Bill Murray]: Ugh. This guy is heavy. [Speech punctuated with grunts] From now on, we kill only skinny guys. Blubberbus here is knockin the wind out of me. Whew! I gotta rest.

Mrs. Lovett [Played by Annie Potts]: Look, are you gonna help me drag this thing downstairs, or not? I haven’t got all day.

Toby: [Played by Steve Zahn]: [Walking up the stairs] Hey, I don’t know if you guys wanna hear this, but there’s a dead body? Down in the cellar? An’ I think it’s the beedle? [Looks at the dead body] Okay, no, THAT’S the beedle. [Takes a deep sigh.] Well, if anybody wants me, I’ll just be in the corner, going insane.

Sweeney: [To Toby] Hey. You’re really weird. You’re like, Fellini weird. Do you do drugs?

Toby: Every day, man.

Sweeney: Can I have some?

Lovett: Will somebody PLEASE get the feet?

Sweeney: [Looks down at the body] Can’t we just roll it down the stairs?

[Sweeney and Lovett heave the body into position, and then nudge and kick it until it falls down the stairs. The extended crashing sounds make everybody wince comically.]

Sweeney: Good. [Rubs his hands together] Nap time.

Lovett: Not so fast, Bub. Now there are two bodies downstairs to dispose of. You got any plans?

Sweeney: Plans? Plans? Mrs. Lovett, there are days when I look in the mirror and I say to myself, 'General Napoleon …'

Lovett: Sweeney Todd!

Sweeney: 'Sweeney Todd, you are meant for great things. You –' [Toby silently nudges Sweeney, hands him a lit joint] Thanks, man. 'You can do so much better than Fleet Street. You could become the next Prime Minister. All you need is, the right plan.' And then I usually pitch over onto the floor and sleep it off. Bottom line? – I got no plans. [Tokes]

Lovett: Well, I’m thinking, we could always use fresh meat in the pie shop …

Sweeney: Oh! Uh huh. Yes!

Toby: Sorry, I’m not following.

Sweeney: Me neither.

Lovett: Oy.

Pies and latkas

We're getting a jump on the pre-production film by presenting  ...

Sweeney Todd: The Movie

As Directed by Woody Allen [go with your strengths, I say - Anthony]

Sweeney Todd (Played by Woody): Locked up in a gentile penal colony for a decade. Oy. Have you tried getting a decent latka in Australia?

Mrs. Lovett (Played by Diane Keaton, of course): I'm so confused. I like you, but making money by killing people is so... so Jewish...

Sweeney: So Jewish? Are you kidding? What, did all of London join the Nazis while I was out?

Mrs. Lovett: Look, have a ham pie while I try to straighten out my very WASP feelings for you.

Sweeney: Who was this pie made from, Tab Hunter?

Lovett: Actually, my rival from down the bake shop down the street, Mrs Mooney.

Sweeney: Mooney, huh? Don't like the Irish? I think, any people who do what they do to corned beef have enough tribulations.

Lovett: I know! We'll just make pies from people who talk during movies at the Thalia and say nice things about Los Angeles.

Sweeney: Wow. I thought shiksas were only dangerous during divorce proceedings!

Five best thrash bands

to come from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry:

1. Thestral Love Glands

2. The Hinkypunkz

3. Grawp and the Aragogs

4. Megadeth-Eeterz

5. Rave -N- Claw

A Star Trek DS9 carol

Hark! The drunk Ferengi sings

“Glory to the ol’ purse strings!

Latinum talks, and that’s a fact

Greed and avarice trump tact”

Joyful all relations dance

To the music of finance

When Ferengi hosts prevail

Only fools will pay retail

Hark! The drunk Ferengi sings

“Glory to the ol’ purse strings!”

Harry Potter advertisements

Do you know me?

Every Auror in the world is looking for Sirius Black, but I can find him in two days flat while carrying a grungy piece of parchment in my beak. Yet I can't open a simple cage and rustle up a frog for dinner.

That's why I carry the Wizarding Express Card®. With the Wizarding Express Card, I can order in a nice blast-ended skrewt pizza, any time I want - even when the Muggles put that shaggy kid and me on the ol' bread-and-water diet. And the monthly statement is automatically deducted out of my personal Gringott's account.

What? - of course I have a fortune in Gringott's. How else do you think Sirius Black keeps his location a secret?

The Wizarding Express Card. Don't fly without it.

The Bombadil scene take 3

[Diehard Tolkien fans continually lament the fact that, both times the trilogy was brought to the screen, the Bombadil scene was left out. What's the Bombadil scene? Early on in the book Fellowship of the Ring, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are rescued by Tom Bombadil, an eccentric character with yellow boots and mystical powers. Bombadil shelters the hobbits in his home and introduces them to his girlfriend, the beautiful Goldberry, Daughter of the River.

Though not crucial to the plot - nearly unwarranted, come to think of it - the Bombadil chapters do advance the reader's overall knowledge of the Middle Earth pantheon. And who's not in favor of that?

Anyway, being a reasonable facsimile of diehard Tolkien fans, we hereby present the long-neglected Bombadil scene, as it might be conceived by some of our favorite movie directors.]

THE BOMBADIL SCENE, by Merchant-Ivory

[A very proper looking forest. Strains of Mozart or Elgar in the background. Four hobbits walk into frame, all dressed very discreetly.]

Frodo: What a jolly nice forest.

Sam: Yes, so very much like Manchester in spring.

Merry: Yet ... [moment of deep introspection] Somethig not quite ... not quite ...

Pippin: Indeed. I know the feeling. Rather like London in '47.

Merry: Or '48. That was bad as well.

Pippin: Quite.

[They walk on for awhile.]

Frodo: Somehow, chaps, there is a feeling going around that we shouldn't be here, that it's been bad for ages and we've been ...

Sam: Ignoring the problem?

Frodo: There is no problem. Just a feeling.

Pippin: Those can be important.

[They stop for high tea. As they are eating cucumber sandwiches, unspoken personal tension builds between them. Then, a tree branch entraps them in a leisurely manner.]

Frodo: I say.

Sam: Indeed.

Merry: I've always loved you.

Pippin: Do be sensible, dear boy.

[Tom Bombadil strolls out of the forest. He has a few quiet but authoritarian words with the tree and it lets go. The hobbits straighten up and dust their clothing off.]

Sam: Most disagreeable.

Frodo: Still, not as bad as Birmingham in '39.

Sam: Indeed. Nice day for a stroll to Bree.

Pippin: Dear boy, I couldn't hear a word you said back there.

Merry: Indeed. [Shoots himself out of long-denied love.]

- Anthony

Holla Back Thanksgiving

Knowing the Puritans, they were OFFICIALLY giving thanks for being delivered from the Popish Beast of Anglican England.

Unofficially, of course, they most likely sending up a big Holla Back to God for putting something on the table that wasn't seaweed or treebark.

Miles Standish: Oh lord, we give thee praise for delivering us from the foul bondage of the Anti-Christ. We honor thee, oh Lord, for thy...

Captain John Smith: What's that huge thing in the center of the table?

Pocahontas: Our people call that a "turkey" oh Rather Cute Man From Across The Sea.

Miles Standish: We shoud be focusing on our deliverance from the horrors of Charles's Papist ways...

Smith: Smells good. What's that red goo next to it?

Pocahontas: Another dish of my people, oh Beefcake Of A Different Tribe. We call it "cranberry garnish."

Smith: Smells wonderful.

Standish (loudly): THE SMELL IS UNIMPORTANT NEXT TO THE BREATH OF FRESH AIR OF LIVING AWAY FROM THE SEDUCTIONS OF THE WHORE OF BABYLON!

Pocahontas: And that round object oh Pale But Pretty Boytoy is a pumpkin pie. For later. I hope you're not going to invite Standish to our wedding. Guy's got real territorial issues going on. Plus, Daddy hates Lutheran heretics....

Smith: Don't worry--I'll tell him that there are Catholics in the next state. He's so easily distracted ...

Anthony

The Bombadil Scene, take 2

[Diehard Tolkien fans continually lament the fact that, both times the trilogy was brought to the screen, the Bombadil scene was left out. What's the Bombadil scene? Early on in the book Fellowship of the Ring, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are rescued by Tom Bombadil, an eccentric character with yellow boots and mystical powers. Bombadil shelters the hobbits in his home and introduces them to his girlfriend, the beautiful Goldberry, Daughter of the River.

Though not crucial to the plot - nearly unwarranted, come to think of it - the Bombadil chapters do advance the reader's overall knowledge of the Middle Earth pantheon. And who's not in favor of that?

Anyway, being a reasonable facsimile of diehard Tolkien fans, we hereby present the long-neglected Bombadil scene, as it might be conceived by some of our favorite movie directors.]

THE BOMBADIL SCENE

as directed by James Cameron

(Setting: a spectacularly creepy, shadowed and digitally perfect forest. Nervous camera work as Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin enter the forest.)

Sam: I don't know, man this wasn't such a smart idea. The Forest--bad vibes up the wazoo here.

Frodo: Look, Gandalf said "do the Forest" and that's what the mission is. Any other complaints?

Merry: Yeah, Frodo, who do I have to kill to get out of this chikenshit quest?

Sam: Can it, Shorty.

Merry: Who're you calling 'Shorty'?

Pippin: Man, I was gettin close to retiring to the Barrow Downs.

[The forest turns darker and creepier. Hanging branches mimicking distorted arms bend over and scrape the travlers. After a few close calls, Frodo calls a halt.]

Frodo: Park it. This looks safe.

[At this point a truly state-of-the-art digitial tree branch whips its way up through the forest floor. All four hobbits put up a terrific struggle but the tree slowly and painfully draws them into its tightening grip.]

Sam: Frodo, what was that emergency signal Gandalf gave us?

Frodo: Something like "Help, we needed some fuckin' help."

[All the hobbits scream for help]

[Tom Bombadil (played by Sigourney Weaver) come out of the forest wearing really cool Elvish battle gear. She sees the four in trouble and immediately goes to work attacking the tree.]

Bombadil: Get away from them, you BIRCH!

[After a lot of yelling and smiting the tree reluctantly gives up the four.]

Bombadil: Hobbits, we are out of here.

Frodo: Hey, Bombadil, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

Bombadil: No, have you? [They all flee.]

-Anthony

The Bombadil Scene take 1

[Diehard Tolkien fans continually lament the fact that, both times the trilogy was brought to the screen, the Bombadil scene was left out. What's the Bombadil scene? Early on in the book Fellowship of the Ring, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are rescued by Tom Bombadil, an eccentric character with yellow boots and mystical powers. Bombadil shelters the hobbits in his home and introduces them to his girlfriend, the beautiful Goldberry, Daughter of the River.

Though not crucial to the plot - nearly unwarranted, come to think of it - the Bombadil chapters do advance the reader's overall knowledge of the Middle Earth pantheon. And who's not in favor of that?

Anyway, being a reasonable facsimile of diehard Tolkien fans, we hereby present the long-neglected Bombadil scene, as it might be conceived by some of our favorite movie directors.]

THE BOMBADIL SCENE

as directed by Woody Allen

[Central Park on a nice New York day. Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin walking through the woods. Jazzy classic Tin Pan Alley songs in background.]

Frodo: I tell you, bias against Hobbits is just anti-semitism in fantasyland terms!

Sam: Frodo, Middle Earth is whole lot better than Brooklyn these days. We should move there.

Frodo: What, and give up 24 hour a day access to Garfinkle the Blue, my personal wizard/shrink?

Sam: You're a Hobbit, you don't have any neuroses except involving when your next meal is.

Frodo: But there are no temples in Middle Earth. What will my rabbi say? And whoever heard of a circumsized Hobbit?

[Caught up in their bickering, they fail to notice the sinister, gentile-looking trees and are trapped in their roots.]

Frodo: Help, help. Nature is in revolt. Nature is revolting!

Sam: If only Mayor Koch had sold the timber rights to the Park ....

[Enter Tom Bombadil (played by Scarlett Johanssen or whomever Woody's current idea of a shiksa goddess is)]

Bombadil: Hey, Jews in trees. Get out of there. This ain't Purim you know. [Knocks on tree, which releases the hobbits.]

Frodo: For a  moment I thought I needed to say Kaddish in Elvish. Thanks. Can I invite you to have an intellectual if neurotic affair which will inevitably end because of your incapacity to accomodate the fact that I'm only 3' 6"?

Bombadil: Only if you promise to go meet my WASP parents in Gondor.

Sam: Gondor? They say you can't get a pastrami on rye in Gondor.

Frodo: And is it true that Numenorean women don't believe in sex after marriage?

Bombadil: Oy.

- Anthony

Reviving the HP parody franchise

Anthony:

An idea for Harry Potter, Book 8: HP and Hagrid join forces to create an "Express Owl" Service far faster than conventional owls. Hilarity ensues when Hagrid tries to cross-breed Hermes with a Thestral.

Pam: 

HP Book 8: Harry Potter, having defeated Voldemort, renovates the old Riddle manse and lives like landed gentry. Various Hogwarts alumnae visit for extended periods of time. Hilarity ensues when Harry finds out Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan have been using their rented upstairs apartment for a Muggle portkey blackmarket ring.

Anthony:

Do I detect an urge to reinvigorate our HP franchise?

HP and the Heart That Went On: A Time-Turner accident lands Harry, Ron and Hermione aboard a luxurious but doomed ocean liner crossing the Atlantic. Hermione is befriended by a cheeky artist while Harry becomes close to a sad heiress. Meanwhile, Ron learns how to dance in Steerage. Hilarity results from something or other involving an iceberg and a diamond necklace.

Pam:

Hilarity results from something or other. Yes! I think I’ve seen that one! Next:

Another card catalog extols 'Parodies'

The 'Parodies' LOC card

Boy, you can buy anything on eBay!

Not really. This is actually a v. cool generated card found here. [Via Karen]

I like this thing so much, I made another:

Snapes On A Plane!

Reworking the biggest movie tagline of the year ...

Food Inspector:

Samuel L. Jackson stars as a fair-minded airline quality control agent, who, mid-flight, discovers an evil plot to kill an FBI witness by overdosing him on peanuts, pretzels, mini-chocolate chips and such like. The climax of the film is Jackson's gone-berserk agent yelling "I'm tired of these motherf*cking snacks on this motherf*cking plane!"

Harry Potter and The Flight Of Evil:

On board a "muggle broomstick" (ie, a DC-10) Harry, Ron and Hermione and Professor Flynn uncover a plot by a former Hogwarts professor to spread the Dark Lord's cause by use of a sinister replicating potion. This culminates in a scene where a wand-waving Flynn yells "I'm tired of these motherf*cking Snapes on this motherf*cking plane!"

The Blue Collar Comedy Tour Takes To The Sky:

A black paasenger aboard an otherwise all-white flight festuring JeffFoxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy goes nuts and ends up screaming "I'm tired of all these motherf*cking japes on this motherf*cking plane!"

The Ice Cream Contingency:

Samuel L Jackson plays a health-food writer trapped abaord a plane of ice-cream executives with a sinister agenda to make America even fatter. This naturally results in a show-stopping moment where SLJ yells "I'm tired of all thse motherf*cking shakes on the motherf*cking plane!"

Snakes in a Hut

In an alternate version of Harry Potter (book six or so), the Hogwarts students meet a new substitute teacher from America ...

[Setting: Hogwarts. The clearing near the forest and Hagrid's house. A group of sixth years stands around. Professor McGonagill clears her throat.]

McGonagill: Your attention everyone. Since Hagrid has temporarily left Hogwarts on official business, I am pleased to introduce your new Care of Magical Creatures instructor, former American FBI agent Nelville Flynn.

[Professor Flynn (played by none other than Samuel L. Jackson) comes out of Hagrid's house. He is wearing beat up robes and his wand says "Bad To The Bone" on it.]

Prof. Flynn: Thank you Professor McGonagall. It's a real pleasure to be teaching this position. Good to be back in the wizarding world, too.

McGonagill: Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted with your first class. [She leaves.]

Prof. Flynn: Good afternoon students. I am certainly delighted to be here. First things, though. Since an encounter with a partcularly powerful Dark Wizard on a Muggle plane, my memory is a little poor. So you won't mind if I give you nicknames for awhile. [Points at Ron Weasley.] You're Mr. Red. [At Malfoy.] You're Mr. Pale. [At Harry.] You'll be Mr. Scar. [At Hermione.] My, my, you are one fine ... I'm gonna call you Ms. Curly. [Leers.]

Malfoy: Why do I have to be Mr. Pale? Why can't I be Mr. White?

Prof. Flynn: [Playing ominously with wand] That's a nice looking broom you have ...

Malfoy: Mr. Pale! Yes sir!

Prof. Flynn: Thank you. Now students. I know this class is usually called "Care of Magical Creatures," But Dumbledore figures that you're ready for a little more repsonsibility. So for all intents, this class is now going to be "Care of Bad-Ass Muthafucking Creatures." Like this. [Waves wand.] Accio serpent. [A large and nasty looking albino cobra appears.] Can anyone tell me what that is?

Hermione [naturally]: Please Professor Flynn, that's an arctic cobra. Very rare and extremely poisonous. Reputedly they are early experiments by You-Know-Who.

Prof. Flynn: Very good Ms. Curly. That's some excellent observations. Ten fine points to Gryffyndor. Now, students, pay attention. [Kicks a big-ass crate with his foot] What I got in this box is really gonna scare you. It scared the shit outta some airplane passengers last August, that's for damn sure. So stand back!

[Waves his wand. The box disappears. Venomous snakes of all sizes slither all over the place. Students scream and jump. Fang barks in alarm.]

Prof. Flynn: Do as I say and you'll live!

[Suddenly, Harry speaks to the snakes in a spooky, whispery voice. The snakes converge and slither away through the door of the hut.]

Prof. Flynn: Godammit! Whatja do that for?

Harry: I-I was just trying to --

Prof. Flynn: That's it! I am tired of all these muthafucking SNAKES in my muthafucking HUT!

The Edge of Outside

I received a packet by mail from a public relations firm that represents Turner Classic Movies, the TCM Channel. It's all about an upcoming documentary series called Edge Of Outside. The rep, who had decided to contact me based on my dubious Woody Allen/Terminator parody, asked me to volunteer to write a blog review about this series. She put me under no obligation - so this sense of obligation I'm feeling must come from myself. Heh.

Well, let me tell you what I learned.  TCM is kicking off a month-long tribute to filmakers who have dared to work on "the edges of Hollywood". Tonight (July 5, 8 p.m. ET) is the first installment. The feature is on John Cassavetes and his 1968 movie, Faces.

Interesting story! This guy scraped together his own money to make his first film, called Shadows. It received critical acclaim, and Cassavetes started to get job offers from the big studios. But after a few efforts, he got so disgusted with the experience that he vowed to only make independent films.

Faces itself is scheduled after tonight's documentary. In fact, three of Cassavetes' films will air tonight. TCM does not mention if it plans to air all of the movies showcased in this series. One would hope so, because in my experience, these older, non-mainstream movies are sometimes hard to find on Netflix or other usual places. But the documentaries themselves should be really good. A complete series schedule is available here. Check them out and TiVo accordingly. I'm particularly looking forward to the installment on Arthur Penn, which will air July 26. Bonnie and Clyde!!

The Fang Files

What if Anne Rice's famous characters in Interview With a Vampire got TV exposure?

Pt. 4: X-Files (of course!)

[Setting: Agent Fox Mulder's windowless, moldering office in the basement of the FBI building]

Mulder [Louis]: Scully, I know you're a dedicated FBI agent and all, but haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be immortal, even at the price of perpetual evil ... and an extreme change in dietary habits?

Scully: Mulder, I'm just wondering why I haven't seen you during the day for the last few years. And why you look so pale. And why you've suddenly decided to hang around that sociopathic hitman, Alex Krycek.

Krycek [Lestat] [entering office]: Because Mulder and I have entered into an unnatural relationship, Agent Scully. We are doomed to walk the earth in never-ending night, and to feast on the very essence of the sun-worshipping world around us.

Mulder: No, no! This "change", as you call it, is merely another manifestation of the Con's attempt to colonize this planet, albeit with a new human/alien hybrid - the vampire. You've been taken in, Krycek. I must tell you this, even though I do love you and hate you simultaneously.

Scully: Oh God, you've been watching your DVD of Brokeback Mountain again. [Humorous Mark Snow synth sting]

Assistant Director Skinner [Marius] [entering office]: Mulder, why is Agent Scully still breathing? Why haven't you either tasted her sweet, sweet red essence, or brought her over to revel in the pleasures of the Dark Path for all the future nights?

Scully: That's it! I've heard enough! [pulling a cross and some holy water from her handbag] Back off, all of you. I will use this. I may not "believe", but I have seen, Mulder, and I know there's a perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for all of you. [She runs from the room.]

Skinner: After her, Agent Mulder!

Mulder: I feel so guilty. I need to feed yet I feel so terrible about it.

Krycek [to Skinner]:  Can't we just lock him in a coffin or something?