beancounter parodies

Snape's on a Plane

[via the innernets]

Five best thrash bands

to come from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry:

1. Thestral Love Glands

2. The Hinkypunkz

3. Grawp and the Aragogs

4. Megadeth-Eeterz

5. Rave -N- Claw

Harry Potter advertisements

Do you know me?

Every Auror in the world is looking for Sirius Black, but I can find him in two days flat while carrying a grungy piece of parchment in my beak. Yet I can't open a simple cage and rustle up a frog for dinner.

That's why I carry the Wizarding Express Card®. With the Wizarding Express Card, I can order in a nice blast-ended skrewt pizza, any time I want - even when the Muggles put that shaggy kid and me on the ol' bread-and-water diet. And the monthly statement is automatically deducted out of my personal Gringott's account.

What? - of course I have a fortune in Gringott's. How else do you think Sirius Black keeps his location a secret?

The Wizarding Express Card. Don't fly without it.

Reviving the HP parody franchise

Anthony:

An idea for Harry Potter, Book 8: HP and Hagrid join forces to create an "Express Owl" Service far faster than conventional owls. Hilarity ensues when Hagrid tries to cross-breed Hermes with a Thestral.

Pam: 

HP Book 8: Harry Potter, having defeated Voldemort, renovates the old Riddle manse and lives like landed gentry. Various Hogwarts alumnae visit for extended periods of time. Hilarity ensues when Harry finds out Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan have been using their rented upstairs apartment for a Muggle portkey blackmarket ring.

Anthony:

Do I detect an urge to reinvigorate our HP franchise?

HP and the Heart That Went On: A Time-Turner accident lands Harry, Ron and Hermione aboard a luxurious but doomed ocean liner crossing the Atlantic. Hermione is befriended by a cheeky artist while Harry becomes close to a sad heiress. Meanwhile, Ron learns how to dance in Steerage. Hilarity results from something or other involving an iceberg and a diamond necklace.

Pam:

Hilarity results from something or other. Yes! I think I’ve seen that one! Next:

Snakes in a Hut

In an alternate version of Harry Potter (book six or so), the Hogwarts students meet a new substitute teacher from America ...

[Setting: Hogwarts. The clearing near the forest and Hagrid's house. A group of sixth years stands around. Professor McGonagill clears her throat.]

McGonagill: Your attention everyone. Since Hagrid has temporarily left Hogwarts on official business, I am pleased to introduce your new Care of Magical Creatures instructor, former American FBI agent Nelville Flynn.

[Professor Flynn (played by none other than Samuel L. Jackson) comes out of Hagrid's house. He is wearing beat up robes and his wand says "Bad To The Bone" on it.]

Prof. Flynn: Thank you Professor McGonagall. It's a real pleasure to be teaching this position. Good to be back in the wizarding world, too.

McGonagill: Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted with your first class. [She leaves.]

Prof. Flynn: Good afternoon students. I am certainly delighted to be here. First things, though. Since an encounter with a partcularly powerful Dark Wizard on a Muggle plane, my memory is a little poor. So you won't mind if I give you nicknames for awhile. [Points at Ron Weasley.] You're Mr. Red. [At Malfoy.] You're Mr. Pale. [At Harry.] You'll be Mr. Scar. [At Hermione.] My, my, you are one fine ... I'm gonna call you Ms. Curly. [Leers.]

Malfoy: Why do I have to be Mr. Pale? Why can't I be Mr. White?

Prof. Flynn: [Playing ominously with wand] That's a nice looking broom you have ...

Malfoy: Mr. Pale! Yes sir!

Prof. Flynn: Thank you. Now students. I know this class is usually called "Care of Magical Creatures," But Dumbledore figures that you're ready for a little more repsonsibility. So for all intents, this class is now going to be "Care of Bad-Ass Muthafucking Creatures." Like this. [Waves wand.] Accio serpent. [A large and nasty looking albino cobra appears.] Can anyone tell me what that is?

Hermione [naturally]: Please Professor Flynn, that's an arctic cobra. Very rare and extremely poisonous. Reputedly they are early experiments by You-Know-Who.

Prof. Flynn: Very good Ms. Curly. That's some excellent observations. Ten fine points to Gryffyndor. Now, students, pay attention. [Kicks a big-ass crate with his foot] What I got in this box is really gonna scare you. It scared the shit outta some airplane passengers last August, that's for damn sure. So stand back!

[Waves his wand. The box disappears. Venomous snakes of all sizes slither all over the place. Students scream and jump. Fang barks in alarm.]

Prof. Flynn: Do as I say and you'll live!

[Suddenly, Harry speaks to the snakes in a spooky, whispery voice. The snakes converge and slither away through the door of the hut.]

Prof. Flynn: Godammit! Whatja do that for?

Harry: I-I was just trying to --

Prof. Flynn: That's it! I am tired of all these muthafucking SNAKES in my muthafucking HUT!

HP7 predictions

It's never too soon to predict secondary plotlines for the seventh Harry Potter book! Feel free to join in below.

* With the death of the giant spider, Aragog, the forest’s climate of malevolence actually lightens considerably. Hagrid submits a request to downgrade the forest’s condition from “Forbidden”; Headmaster McGonagill denies the request, on the grounds that "Imprudent Forest" doesn't have the same ring to it.

* A tragedy at Hogwarts. After the adventure with the Sorcerer's Stone many years ago, everybody forgot about Fluffy, the giant three-headed guard dog in the third-floor corridor. Poor Fluffy, it turns out, died of starvation several weeks after the incident. An official day of mourning is declared for the poor creature, but the all-school memorial service is cut short when Fluffy’s ghost leaps out of the coffin and kills Mrs. Norris the cat. From that time on, the third-floor corridor is permanently sealed off.

Bewitched at Hogwarts

You'll see - the real problem in Harry Potter Book 7 will be talking yet another sucker into teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts! Luckily, Headmistress McGonagall thought to tap a likely candidate from America.

--><--

MCGONAGALL: Good afternoon class. As Hogwarts' new Headmistress, it gives me great pleasure in announcing that, not only will Hogwarts remain open this year, but we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Would you please welcome Professor Stevens.

STUDENTS: Good afternoon, Professor Stevens.

PROF. STEVENS: Well! Good afternoon! And thank you, Professor McGonagall! Gosh, I'm so happy to have moved here from Morning Glory Circle! I tell you, I had such a nosy neighbor ... Well? But that's neither here nor there. Let's get started! Who here knows how to counteract the Full-Body Bind?

[Several hands go up. PROF. STEVENS points to NEVILLE.]

NEVILLE: Uh, "Reparo"?

PROF. STEVENS: Oh, no! What you do is, you call for Doctor Bombay! [All the students look highly puzzled and skeptical] Hmm. I thought you were seventh years! You must know how it goes! ::ahem::

"Calling Doctor Bombay, Calling Doctor Bombay,
Emergency! - Come right away!"

[PROF. STEVENS gazes around expectantly. There is an awkward pause that stretches out for many minutes. MCGONAGALL looks just about to say something. Suddenly an owl flies in the open door, dropping a note on PROF. STEVENS' head. She retrieves the note, opens it, and reads aloud.]

"Blast! It seems I cannot Apparate into your ruddy school, my dear. Do hope you're all right. Cheerio! Signed, Doctor Bombay."

MCGONAGALL: Professor Stevens, perhaps you'd better dismiss the class for the day, so that I might give you a brief orientation ...

PROF. STEVENS: Oh, that won't be necessary, Minnie! Er - [McGonagall fixes her with a look] I mean, H-Headmistress. [Begins to stammer endearingly] N-n-now then, class, next question. You've been disabled; you have no wand. What do you do to ward off your foes? Yes, uh - you?

SEAMUS: I would cast nonverbal spells, ma'am. We learned these last year. [Demonstrates.]

PROF. STEVENS: [Winces.] Ooh, no. Ten points from Gryffindor. I'm sorry, but you forgot the nose-twitch!

SEAMUS: Uh ... Professor?

DARREN: [Bursting through the door] Sam? Sam? SAM! There you are!

PROF. STEVENS: Darren?! H-how did you get here?

DARREN: I demand you come home with me this instant! Larry Tate's invited a bunch of people from the Happy Dog account to our house tonight, and you only have 45 minutes left to get dinner on the table!

PROF. STEVENS: Now, Sw-sweetheart, I-I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to ... well? I'm n-n-not coming home. Y-you see, I'm a Hog-Hogwarts professor now, and ...

DARREN: WHAT? Now Sam, wait just a doggone minute -

[ENDORA'S face appears in a mirror above the desk]

ENDORA: Samantha, my dear, I tried telling Derwood you were indisposed, but he was so FORCEFUL and MANLY, I simply HAD to bring him here so he could see for himself.

PROF. STEVENS: MOTHER! I might have known!

DARREN: [Shamelessly pleading] Sam, PLEASE come home. I'm going to lose the account if there's no dinner! Also, the baby's starting to make a noise, it sounds like crying!

PROF. STEVENS: Well ... all right, Sweetheart.

DARREN: I love you.

PROF. STEVENS: And I love you. [They kiss chastely] Good bye, class! Be good! [They walk out of the classroom together.]

MCGONAGALL: Good heavens, this has got to be a Hogwarts record for the shortest tenure in history. NOW who are we going to get to teach this class?

ENDORA: Excuse me, but do I understand you to mean there is a JOB OPENING?

parodies

Welcome to the Ministry of Magic

The climax of Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
sung to the tune of "Hotel California"

(If anybody can hook me up with someone who will record this under a CC license, I'd be grateful!)

--><--

On the back of a thestral
Cool wind in my hair
Watching Ron and the others
Flail about in midair
Up ahead in the distance
I saw the lights of the town
My scar grew painful and my courage grew dim
I told my ride to touch down

There we stood in the foyer
A bunch of Hogwarts kids
And I was thinking to myself
Won't the Ministry just flip their lids
When they find that the secrets
That they kept locked away
Were so easy to retrieve at will
By the Teen D.A.!

Welcome to the Ministry of Magic
Such a lonely place
Such a spooky space
Hundreds of rooms at the Ministry of Magic
Under lock and key
Not a prob for me

Hermione said to be careful
I led them all through the dark
We marked an X on every, every door
Then we got a shock
The Death-Eaters were waiting
Sweet irony
I was there to save Sirius,
He was there to save me.

So I said to Bellatrix
You shouldn't be here at all.
She said, we do exactly what the Dark Lord says
Whenever we get the call.
And still those voices are moaning
They sound so sad
Lupin said what I didn't want to hear
I'd lost another dad!

Welcome to the Ministry of Magic
Such a lonely place
Such a spooky space
They're running around at the Ministry of Magic
Fresh from Azkaban
What the hell's their plan?

Malfoy with his wand out,
The prophecies on shelves
And he said, we need you to grab one of these
'Cause we can't trust house elves.
Then the Order broke in,
And brought him to defeat.
But not before ol' Ron got brained
And Neville's legs were beat!

Last thing I remember
I was lying on the floor
The Dark Lord tried to end my life
But I was saved by Dumbledore
Relax, said the Minister,
This is an easy thing to fix.
Harry Potter you are off the hook
Until we start Book Six!

Harry Potter and the Night Job of Dismay

Harry Potter has finally graduated from Hogwarts, married Ginny and settled down. Discovering that being an auror means a paltry salary and a lousy dental plan, Harry Potter takes a job moonlighting as a spam e-mailer.

Day Three:

Orientation finally over. Had no idea how easy a Muggle job would be. Most of intro to do with defeating spam-blockers using phony IP addresses. If had known, would have blown off this course - plan on using one of the Machinus Confoundus curses we learned in Muggle Studies back in school.

Using computer for diary. Typing improving. Boss says good practice for something called “writing code”. ??? Hope will not work here that long.

To Do Tomorrow: Owl to Dumbledore. Said I must either kill Voldemort, or be killed. But did not SPECIFY DATE. Need status & timeframe! Should have asked back in school. Always just assumed it would be prior to graduation. Duh.

Day Four:

What the hell is this "basketball"? Some American sport, it seems. Must call Hermione (but she moves out of Ron's apartment so often even the Floo Network gets confused-- those two need serious counselling) and ask her for an explanation. I feel the Muggles staring at me when I say things like "is this 3-point play like a three-act play?" and I then get The Official Look....

Whoa - Just noticed our boss is a former Death Eater! Snake tattoos on arms! And he listens to this bad-sounding stuff that sounds like a call to join Voldemort and commit the Ultimate Evil! Must alert the

Later: Never mind. Tattoos just regular variety. And music is something called Cannibal Corpse - unfortunate lifestyle choice but not Ultimate Evil. Crazy Muggles.

Job ends at midnight. No reason to go home. My love life stinks. Ginny's in Egypt working with Bill for Gringott’s for the next two months, and Cho won’t return my owls. Well, there's that "strip club" across the street. All my co-workers (even the ladies!) say the "champagne room" is killer. Must try it out...

Slytherin Girl

sung to the tune of "Cinnamon Girl"

I wanna live with a Slytherin girl
I could brew potions the rest of my life
With a Slytherin girl

A dreamer of Dark Arts
A caster of spells
You see us at Hogwarts
Hexing the first years
My Slytherin girl

Ten angry goblins
An elf in a towel
The centaurs are howling
They yell something foul to
My Slytherin girl

A dreamer of Dark Arts
A teacher of runes
You see us at Hogwarts
Plotting and planning
My Slytherin girl

Ma's in a portrait see
She's shrieking like a banshee
And Dad's in Azkaban
For being You-Know-Who's right-hand man
Yeah/Yeah/Yeah!

(for Jo)