Gilligan's Island as an Adam Sandler vehicle*

* I’d better not yell that too loudly – it’s just the sort of thing he might actually try.

SKIPPER: Gilligan! Your sailor knots came untied, and now the astronaut’s space pod that accidentally washed up on shore last week, washed back out into the ocean again!

GILLIGAN [Played by Adam Sandler]: Hey, chill out, Supersize. If I'm such a terrible sailor, why d'you keep hiring me as your first mate?

SKIPPER: Don’t try and change the subject! If it weren’t for your bumbling, we might have used that space pod to get off this island!

GILLIGAN: So we're stuck here. Big frickin' deal! It’s not as if you couldn’t stand to lose a few thousand pounds on the South Pacific Beach Diet. Whoa! Wait a minute! Didja ever notice how much our dysfunctional relationship is patterned off of Laurel and Hardy? ‘Cause I never noticed that before. Been watching this show all my life, too. That’s … that’s really wild. Really. [Wanders away.]

GINGER: Gilligan! There you are! Gilligan, I hear you have a secret diary. [Slides her arms around his neck in a sexy way.] There's something about you, Gilligan. You're so original. I’d give anything to read your diary.

GILLIGAN: Anything?

GINGER: Anything.

GILLIGAN: Sweetheart, I turn down eighteen shiksas like you every day. Before breakfast. [Disentangles himself from her arms.] Tell you what, though – I think we should have a contest for the right to read my secret diary, you know? Everybody on the island will do something quirky and endearing for me. And the most unique bit of pandering? That’s the person who will win. Run along now, and tell all your little friends.