[Diehard Tolkien fans continually lament the fact that, both times the trilogy was brought to the screen, the Bombadil scene was left out. What's the Bombadil scene? Early on in the book Fellowship of the Ring, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are rescued by Tom Bombadil, an eccentric character with yellow boots and mystical powers. Bombadil shelters the hobbits in his home and introduces them to his girlfriend, the beautiful Goldberry, Daughter of the River.
Though not crucial to the plot - nearly unwarranted, come to think of it - the Bombadil chapters do advance the reader's overall knowledge of the Middle Earth pantheon. And who's not in favor of that?
Anyway, being a reasonable facsimile of diehard Tolkien fans, we hereby present the long-neglected Bombadil scene, as it might be conceived by some of our favorite movie directors.]
THE BOMBADIL SCENE
as directed by James Cameron
(Setting: a spectacularly creepy, shadowed and digitally perfect forest. Nervous camera work as Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin enter the forest.)
Sam: I don't know, man this wasn't such a smart idea. The Forest--bad vibes up the wazoo here.
Frodo: Look, Gandalf said "do the Forest" and that's what the mission is. Any other complaints?
Merry: Yeah, Frodo, who do I have to kill to get out of this chikenshit quest?
Sam: Can it, Shorty.
Merry: Who're you calling 'Shorty'?
Pippin: Man, I was gettin close to retiring to the Barrow Downs.
[The forest turns darker and creepier. Hanging branches mimicking distorted arms bend over and scrape the travlers. After a few close calls, Frodo calls a halt.]
Frodo: Park it. This looks safe.
[At this point a truly state-of-the-art digitial tree branch whips its way up through the forest floor. All four hobbits put up a terrific struggle but the tree slowly and painfully draws them into its tightening grip.]
Sam: Frodo, what was that emergency signal Gandalf gave us?
Frodo: Something like "Help, we needed some fuckin' help."
[All the hobbits scream for help]
[Tom Bombadil (played by Sigourney Weaver) come out of the forest wearing really cool Elvish battle gear. She sees the four in trouble and immediately goes to work attacking the tree.]
Bombadil: Get away from them, you BIRCH!
[After a lot of yelling and smiting the tree reluctantly gives up the four.]
Bombadil: Hobbits, we are out of here.
Frodo: Hey, Bombadil, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Bombadil: No, have you? [They all flee.]
-Anthony
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