Snakes in a Hut

In an alternate version of Harry Potter (book six or so), the Hogwarts students meet a new substitute teacher from America ...

[Setting: Hogwarts. The clearing near the forest and Hagrid's house. A group of sixth years stands around. Professor McGonagill clears her throat.]

McGonagill: Your attention everyone. Since Hagrid has temporarily left Hogwarts on official business, I am pleased to introduce your new Care of Magical Creatures instructor, former American FBI agent Nelville Flynn.

[Professor Flynn (played by none other than Samuel L. Jackson) comes out of Hagrid's house. He is wearing beat up robes and his wand says "Bad To The Bone" on it.]

Prof. Flynn: Thank you Professor McGonagall. It's a real pleasure to be teaching this position. Good to be back in the wizarding world, too.

McGonagill: Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted with your first class. [She leaves.]

Prof. Flynn: Good afternoon students. I am certainly delighted to be here. First things, though. Since an encounter with a partcularly powerful Dark Wizard on a Muggle plane, my memory is a little poor. So you won't mind if I give you nicknames for awhile. [Points at Ron Weasley.] You're Mr. Red. [At Malfoy.] You're Mr. Pale. [At Harry.] You'll be Mr. Scar. [At Hermione.] My, my, you are one fine ... I'm gonna call you Ms. Curly. [Leers.]

Malfoy: Why do I have to be Mr. Pale? Why can't I be Mr. White?

Prof. Flynn: [Playing ominously with wand] That's a nice looking broom you have ...

Malfoy: Mr. Pale! Yes sir!

Prof. Flynn: Thank you. Now students. I know this class is usually called "Care of Magical Creatures," But Dumbledore figures that you're ready for a little more repsonsibility. So for all intents, this class is now going to be "Care of Bad-Ass Muthafucking Creatures." Like this. [Waves wand.] Accio serpent. [A large and nasty looking albino cobra appears.] Can anyone tell me what that is?

Hermione [naturally]: Please Professor Flynn, that's an arctic cobra. Very rare and extremely poisonous. Reputedly they are early experiments by You-Know-Who.

Prof. Flynn: Very good Ms. Curly. That's some excellent observations. Ten fine points to Gryffyndor. Now, students, pay attention. [Kicks a big-ass crate with his foot] What I got in this box is really gonna scare you. It scared the shit outta some airplane passengers last August, that's for damn sure. So stand back!

[Waves his wand. The box disappears. Venomous snakes of all sizes slither all over the place. Students scream and jump. Fang barks in alarm.]

Prof. Flynn: Do as I say and you'll live!

[Suddenly, Harry speaks to the snakes in a spooky, whispery voice. The snakes converge and slither away through the door of the hut.]

Prof. Flynn: Godammit! Whatja do that for?

Harry: I-I was just trying to --

Prof. Flynn: That's it! I am tired of all these muthafucking SNAKES in my muthafucking HUT!