Movies by the wrong directors, pt. 3

What if Brokeback Mountain had been adapted by Martin Scorcese?

GOODFAIRIES

[Opening Shot: Jack Twist's bloodied body on that Texas field. Camera point-of-view ascending up to the sky (soul to heaven).]

Jack (played by Ray Liotta) (VO): So this is how it ends. Fag-bashed by a bunch of Lone Star jag-offs while my ex sits home and makes up lies about bursting tires. Dumb broad. What did she want, marrying a guy who dressed like I did for the bull ride. Me and Ennis. We had paradise in Wyoming and we screwed it all up...

[Flash back to Wyoming, 1963. Shot: Jack shaving in the car mirror, covertly scoping out Ennis (played by De Niro, of course).]

Ennis (VO): Look at him, checking me out like I was some 10 dollar bar girl in Denver. Still, I knew the moment we met we were doomed to lose our hearts to each other. Yeah, I was engaged to that broad. So freakin what? A guy like Jack only comes along once and you go where your equipment says to.

Ennis: Sheep. Freakin sheep.

Jack: Better than goats. [Both smile]

[Shot: A montage of Jack and Ennis herding sheep, making camp, various outdoor things.]

Jack (VO): Sure we had girlfriends somewhere. Doesn't matter. Guy spends too much freakin time outdoors and it suddenly becomes either him or the sheep. And I ain't no sheep-f%^&@# that's for sure.

Ennis (VO): He'd been watching me watchin' him. It just had to happen...

[Interior: Tent. Night. Jack grabs Ennis's hand and drapes it up over him. Ennis reacts, grabs Jack.]

Ennis: Do I arouse you? I mean, is there something about me that you find particularly erotic?

Jack: So why don't ya do somethn about it, big-talker.

[Cue up particularly ironic classic 60s pop track]

[Montage: Jack and Ennis rough-housing, fooling around. Cut to shot of Foreman watching through binoculars.]

Foreman (VO): Lousy freakin jag-off ranchhands. Always playin hide the harmonica when they should be tendin to sheep. Remind me not to punch their time card ever again...

[Shot: Jack and Ennis in the truck right before first parting.]

Ennis: So it's no big deal. We keep our mouths shut and nothin happens.

Jack: Sure you don't wanna go buy a ranch?

Ennis: No. Look, Jack, I gotta go punch a wall or somethin. I'll see ya around. [Gets out of truck and walks away.]

Jack: Freakin dirt-bag cowboy. I think I love him.

[Cut to: Ennis's wedding. Then shot of Ennis and Alma in bed.]

Alma (VO): Look, I knew what I was gettin into. At first it was kinda excitng, being married to a moody cowboy whom you gotta hit with a crowbar to get a sentence out of. But then, after the two kids I began to think that somethin really wasn't right with him.

Ennis: I got a buddy comin in tommorow. Figure we'll just go out and get drunk.

Alma: Yeah, whatevah ...

[Jack meets Lureeen at the Rodeo. Several scenes of the two flirting.]

Lureen (VO): He was cute and a cowboy. Couldn't ride a bull to save his skinny hide. So yeah, I took him out and did the backseat mambo. Somethin about that hat....

Jack (VO): I don't know. There was Ennis and he wasn't around, the jag-off bastard. But she was there and I figured, maybe she'll do. What a freakin mess...

[Cut to: Ennis and Alma after the divorce at Thanksgiving]

Alma: Fishin? You go fishin with that mook Jack Nasty and you come home with what, goombah? NO FREAKIN FISH AS FAR AS I CAN TELL!

Ennis: Spoiled broad. Always wantin fish.

Alma: I know what's goin' on. Va fangoul you!

Ennis: There's things you don't wanna know if you wanna keep gettin alimony payments...

Alma (smashing plate in sink): Rat bastard! Pazzo!

[Cut to: Jack and Lureen at Thanksgiving with the relatives.]

Jack (VO): Look at that freakin jag-off jerk. Comes into my house, MY HOUSE and tries to break my balls. Lousy antiquated mook. (Outloud):
LOOK YOU MISERABLE FAKE PEZZONOVANTE, YOU TURN THAT TV ON AGAIN AND I WILL PERSONALLY SEND SOME MADE MEN TO VENTILATE YOU!

Lureen (VO): Now he decides to grow a pair. Still, I love watchin' the old man squirm...

[Shot: Jack walks down seedy Mexican side-street, spots obvious hustler. Hooks up with him, walks into dark end of street.]

Jack (VO): Why is it all these Mexican rent-boys all look like Menudo rejects?

[Shot: Jack and Ennis at their last meeting. Arguing.]

Jack: 20 years I've been saying "get a farm" and you always have the same freakin answer: "we could get killed"--well I'm still walkin and you're still walkin  and I think you just don't have a pair anymore, goombah..

Ennis: This from a guy who rents long-term at the Juarez Hilton.

Jack: Up yours. Dumb cowboy. Some one shoulda quit you in the mouth ages ago.

Ennis: Quit this, pazzo! [Punches him. Gets in truck, drives off.]

Jack (VO): My guy....

[Shot: Ennis recieves "deceased" postcard. Shot of him calling Lureen. Shot of Lureen at phone. Cut back to shot of Ennis walking away from phonebooth.]

[Shot: Camera POV shot rising straight up from Jack's body.]

Jack (VO): A busted tire? Is that the best that dumb broad can come up with? Good thing I'm dead or I'd be seriously pissed off at her. And Ennis. Dumb mook steals my shirt in front of mom and dad. Screw 'em all. I hear heaven's got old Supremes tunes on the jukebox and you can buy a farm any old time you want without a bunch of retard Texans using your skull for baseball targets. "Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.." My ass...

[Cue up "My Guy" as credits roll ...]

- Anthony