You'll see - the real problem in Harry Potter Book 7 will be talking yet another sucker into teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts! Luckily, Headmistress McGonagall thought to tap a likely candidate from America.
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MCGONAGALL: Good afternoon class. As Hogwarts' new Headmistress, it gives me great pleasure in announcing that, not only will Hogwarts remain open this year, but we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Would you please welcome Professor Stevens.
STUDENTS: Good afternoon, Professor Stevens.
PROF. STEVENS: Well! Good afternoon! And thank you, Professor McGonagall! Gosh, I'm so happy to have moved here from Morning Glory Circle! I tell you, I had such a nosy neighbor ... Well? But that's neither here nor there. Let's get started! Who here knows how to counteract the Full-Body Bind?
[Several hands go up. PROF. STEVENS points to NEVILLE.]
NEVILLE: Uh, "Reparo"?
PROF. STEVENS: Oh, no! What you do is, you call for Doctor Bombay! [All the students look highly puzzled and skeptical] Hmm. I thought you were seventh years! You must know how it goes! ::ahem::
"Calling Doctor Bombay, Calling Doctor Bombay,
Emergency! - Come right away!"
[PROF. STEVENS gazes around expectantly. There is an awkward pause that stretches out for many minutes. MCGONAGALL looks just about to say something. Suddenly an owl flies in the open door, dropping a note on PROF. STEVENS' head. She retrieves the note, opens it, and reads aloud.]
"Blast! It seems I cannot Apparate into your ruddy school, my dear. Do hope you're all right. Cheerio! Signed, Doctor Bombay."
MCGONAGALL: Professor Stevens, perhaps you'd better dismiss the class for the day, so that I might give you a brief orientation ...
PROF. STEVENS: Oh, that won't be necessary, Minnie! Er - [McGonagall fixes her with a look] I mean, H-Headmistress. [Begins to stammer endearingly] N-n-now then, class, next question. You've been disabled; you have no wand. What do you do to ward off your foes? Yes, uh - you?
SEAMUS: I would cast nonverbal spells, ma'am. We learned these last year. [Demonstrates.]
PROF. STEVENS: [Winces.] Ooh, no. Ten points from Gryffindor. I'm sorry, but you forgot the nose-twitch!
SEAMUS: Uh ... Professor?
DARREN: [Bursting through the door] Sam? Sam? SAM! There you are!
PROF. STEVENS: Darren?! H-how did you get here?
DARREN: I demand you come home with me this instant! Larry Tate's invited a bunch of people from the Happy Dog account to our house tonight, and you only have 45 minutes left to get dinner on the table!
PROF. STEVENS: Now, Sw-sweetheart, I-I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to ... well? I'm n-n-not coming home. Y-you see, I'm a Hog-Hogwarts professor now, and ...
DARREN: WHAT? Now Sam, wait just a doggone minute -
[ENDORA'S face appears in a mirror above the desk]
ENDORA: Samantha, my dear, I tried telling Derwood you were indisposed, but he was so FORCEFUL and MANLY, I simply HAD to bring him here so he could see for himself.
PROF. STEVENS: MOTHER! I might have known!
DARREN: [Shamelessly pleading] Sam, PLEASE come home. I'm going to lose the account if there's no dinner! Also, the baby's starting to make a noise, it sounds like crying!
PROF. STEVENS: Well ... all right, Sweetheart.
DARREN: I love you.
PROF. STEVENS: And I love you. [They kiss chastely] Good bye, class! Be good! [They walk out of the classroom together.]
MCGONAGALL: Good heavens, this has got to be a Hogwarts record for the shortest tenure in history. NOW who are we going to get to teach this class?
ENDORA: Excuse me, but do I understand you to mean there is a JOB OPENING?
Stumble it!
Brilliant, as always. Though I think the incantation is usually:
"Calling Dr Bombay,
Calling Dr Bombay,
Emergency,
Come right away ..."
But my memory could be off.
Posted by: *** Dave | October 24, 2005 at 09:18 PM
Whoa! That's right! I'll update that line. Thanks.
Posted by: pam | October 25, 2005 at 12:37 AM