Selected posts from the current-events blog Talking Points Memo, if it had been written aboard the RMS Titanic.
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April 10, 1912 05:10 PM GMT link print
THE FAMOUS JUST keep arriving. According to the ship’s purser and longtime TPM reader, John Jacob Astor has boarded the ship.
If I recall correctly, Astor is an old crony of author Jacque Futrelle, who is also aboard. And both are staying on the same deck of this boat. Can anyone verify this?
April 10, 1912 – 08:42 PM GMT link print
A TPM READER CONFIRMS that Astor is aboard. Further, Astor and Futrelle were sighted having coffee and scones with none other than J. Bruce Ismay, a representative of the White Star Lines, and three other men from First Class. Curiouser and curiouser.
April 11, 1912 – 12:44 PM GMT link print
On a personal note, it should be noted that for a brand-new ship, there are quite a lot of rats sharing our staterooms down here in steerage.
April 12, 1912 – 08:30 AM GMT link print
OVERHEARD BY an alert TPM reader: Futrelle was heard to remark that “God Himself could not sink the Titanic.”
April 12, 1912 – 02:00 PM GMT link print
And then there were five. TPM reader JT writes,
Futrelle and Astor are indeed on board, rubbing shoulders with none other than Sir Cosmo Duff Gordon, Lady Gordon, and William Thomas Stead.
Early intelligence suggests that the connection between White Star Line rep Ismay does not end there. Ol’ Bruce is no stranger to Captain Smith’s table and the so-called First Class Five.
April 13, 1912 – 01:15 AM GMT link print
LATE-BREAKING NEWS: The “God Himself” remark was originally a direct quote from none other than Bruce Ismay. An interesting connection, and one which points to at least one highly-classified meeting about the schematics of this ship, occurring in the privacy of First Class. One is loathe to utter the word "conspiracy" with regard to this elbow-rubbing and sharing of expansively optimistic rhetoric. Luckily, TPM Muckraker has uttered it for us, so we do not have to. Go and read.
In other news, icebergs have been sighted.
April 14, 1912 – 11:50 PM GMT link print
WITH REGARD TO REPORTS THAT THE TITANIC struck an iceberg along its starboard side. TPM reader P. O’M. informs us that “starboard” is another word for “right”. Significant?
April 15, 1912 – 12:40 AM GMT link print
OFFICIALS HAVE BEGUN TO aver that the ship is now taking in water. There is a lively discussion about this at the Titanic table at the TPM Café. Go check it out.
April 15, 1912 – 12:45 AM GMT link print
COULD THE TITANIC actually sink, in light of the rate at which water is flooding the lower compartments? Or is this a panic over nothing? Ships’ crewmen shouting their way through Third Class have ventured to guess that, recent ecumenical pronouncements to the contrary notwithstanding, the ship will indeed sink tonight.
Futrelle has yet to announce any retraction of his “God Himself” statement, which of course alert TPM readers have already traced back to White Star rep Bruce “Friend of the First Class Five” Ismay.
April 15, 1912 – 12:40 AM GMT link print
PRESS RELEASE FROM the First Mate: Captain Edward Smith has turned in his resignation, issuing a public statement that he is looking forward to some well-deserved rest and spending more time with family. Ah yes, the old “spending more time with family” dodge. Translation: he’s gone crazy as a loon from the strain of recent events. It now seems any link between the captain and the White Star/First Class Five conspiracy will remain unconfirmed. Readers?
‘God Himself’ Watch: Still no word on a retraction from Futrelle or the White Star Line.
April 15, 1912 – 01:05 AM GMT link print
IT SEEMS THIS BOAT, in spite of the recent pronouncement that God Himself could not sink her, is scheduled to sink in approximately 1 ½ hours. We feel some urgency to look into this matter personally. Will report our findings.
April 15, 1912 – 01:10 AM GMT link print
IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE not to
consider potentially arriving at a tentative conclusion that the ship might well be sinking.
And true to form when dealing with the powers that be, White Star and the First Class Five have begun dictating the terms of emergency disembarkment, using whatever means necessary.
As outrageous as it sounds, reports of the lifeboats being filled by “women and children first” are reaching the TPM staff belowstairs. Such a policy is of questionable efficacy at best. Why women and children? What about the men? Specifically, the male bloggers? Speaking from a strictly statistical perspective, female bloggers just aren't as politically-minded. And kid bloggers, forget it. The crew (all male) seems to object to the rule, but they are too afraid to go on record.
More of the work of the First Class Five? How much more brazen will they get?
It hardly seems worth it to attempt to leave our stateroom again. And here we thought the water pouring down the corridors was an insurmountable obstacle.
April 15, 1912 – 01:17 AM GMT link print
TPM READERS, we need your help on this.
Who, if anybody, in the First Class Five, is privately against this blatantly chauvinistic "women and children first" policy? Particularly amongst the males in the First Class Five - Astor, Futrelle, Gordon, Stead. One wonders if an organized opposition could be on the horizon.
We at TPM have already developed a chart on this subject. Readers, please poll members of the First Class Five you meet while running for the lifeboats, and pass along information about any dissenting voices you hear or read about from First Class, as well as the nearest stairwell to their locations. And hurry.
April 15, 1912 – 01:30 AM GMT link print
ANDREW SULLIVAN has written a great letter from the aft section, on the injustice of White Star’s “women and children first” policy. Go and read it.
TPM reader Z.B. writes:
I read in the Times that William Thomas Stead, one of the First Class Five, purchased the mummy of the Princess of Amen-Ra from the British Museum and stashed the thing aboard ship. If that’s true, then we’re all cursed – evil things befell the people who discovered the mummy in 1890. Then there was the mysterious “accidents” that plagued the museum visitors and staff for years. I read that the museum was terribly glad to be rid of the thing, for the sake of their very lives. Why is it that White Star and the other authorities aboard this vessel are strangely silent on this issue?
Good question.
April 15, 1912 – 02:00 AM GMT link print
OVER AT THE TPM Café, contributors to the Titanic table report that they are almost completely underwater. The sole almandine is inedible, and most of the cigars they stole are now too soggy to smoke.
On a personal note, we at TPM are finding it hard to keep typing, as our stateroom is filled almost to desk level with near-freezing water and dead rats. The room appears to be tilting. To what extent this is the result of the White Star/First Class Five conspiracy is anybody’s guess, and ultimately may have to be left to our land-based readers to discover.
April 15, 1912 – 02:14 AM GMT link print
WE DO NOT LIKE TO assume anything, but at this late hour, it seems almost certain that no press release is forthcoming from Futrelle, retracting certain reckless and premature statements about the unsinkability of this ship. Typical.
We hereby announce tentative plans to don our lifejackets and attempt to save ourselves by floating on our own stateroom door. We will be turning over this site to a guest-blogger, if anybody wants the position. Until next week from New York ...
Stumble it!
Having read several issues of TPM this morning, I find this a wonderful satire!
Posted by: BB | September 05, 2005 at 11:30 AM