Ian Malcolm, the brilliant but erratic chaotician from Jurassic Park, is long overdue for an angelic intervention by the crew from Touched by an Angel.
Monica The Angel: Dr. Ian Malcolm ...
Dr. Ian Malcolm: Lady, hey, where did you come from? Hurry, the dinosaurs on this island have broken free from their cages!
Monica The Angel: Do not be afraid, Ian. [She Reveals Herself unto him.]
Ian: A heavenly angel? Here, in the middle of a jungle amusement park full of replicated dinosaurs? Perfect. This proves my chaos theory irrefutably. And me without even a tape recorder.
Monica: Ian, your mathematical theories do you credit, but they fall short of a full explanation for the incredible diversity of life on Earth.
Ian: What are you talking about? The theory of evolution more than adequately explains how a series of geothermal incidents caused life to evolve from single-celled organisms over hundreds of millions of years.
Monica: You’re ignoring the fact that there are mechanisms in nature that cannot be adequately explained in terms of mere forces of chaos, and that exhibit features which in any other circumstance could only be attributable to intelligence!
[A blood-curdling roar rends the air. A giant Tyrannosaurus rex crashes through the trees, baring its huge fangs. Ian and Monica turn around and run for their lives.]
Ian: The so-called ‘Intelligent Design’ theorists are lazy frauds who simply find gaps within current evolutionary theory and fill them in with speculative beliefs. Look behind you! Scientists are now able to replicate dinosaurs using DNA strands retrieved from fossils! This fact is the ultimate proof of my chaos theories! So you can keep your theological constuct!
Monica: No, Ian, no! DNA is the ultimate instruction manual! Its perfect informational language provides the building blocks to all life! Do you think this code just happened by chance? No! It was written by Our Heavenly Father! God is bigger than a couple of test-tube tricerotops!
[The crashing footfalls of the T-rex sound closer.]
Ian, to be perfectly frank with you, God is a little miffed that you're going around saying the universe is based on irreducible indeterminancy. And you really don’t want to be on God’s bad side.
Ian [gasping and sweaty]: Peddle your smarmy creationist pseudoscience somewhere else, lady. Next you’ll be telling me that my denied tenure, and the book deals that fell through, that those were divine interventions too, eh?
Monica [stopping in her tracks, hands on hips]: Ian, do the words "Sodom and Gommorah" mean anything to you?
Ian [stopping to answer her] You don't scare me! Do the words "publish or perish" ring a bell with YOU?
[The T-rex catches Ian and eats him.]
Monica: Oh, shoot.
Andrew, the Angel of Death: Helloooo ... They are never going to listen. Can we please go home now?
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