A Breakfast Club parody for Anthony
Saturday morning, Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois. Five kids from very different backgrounds arrive for detention.
VOICEOVER: Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept the fact that we had to spend a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did. But we think you’re crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You only see us in the simplest terms: a jock, a headcase, a princess, a criminal, and a space-jockey. That’s the way we saw ourselves, at first. We were brainwashed ...
[One kid walks up the wide, empty steps of Shermer High School and enters the building. Other kids are dropped off at the front by their parents. The last kid materializes onto the front lawn, out of thin air, and heads indoors. All the kids sit down at tables in the empty library. They stare suspiciously at the kid who beamed in, particularly at his red and black uniform.]
PRINCIPAL VERNON: Well, well, well. Thank you for being on time. Now, here are the rules. You may not talk, you may not move from these seats, and ...
CLAIRE: Principal Vernon? Um, I don’t think one of us belongs here!
PRINCIPAL VERNON: Oh, you ALL belong here, Princess. Now. No monkey-business. My office is across the hall. Don't mess with the bull! You'll get the horns!
[He leaves. As soon as he’s gone all the kids swivel around.]
BENDER: Just who the hell are you?
WESLEY: [Flustered] I’m, uh … W-Wesley Crusher. [silence] I am a, uh ... a student here, and …
ANDREW: Bullshit! I never saw you. [Everybody shakes their heads. WESLEY looks around nervously.]
WESLEY: Okay, the fact is, I’m not from around here. But I kinda got kicked out of school in my ... country, and my mom wanted to teach me a lesson, so she put in a request to beam – uh, send me to a 20th century school.
CLAIRE: [dismissively] Oh, an exchange student.
ANDREW: Big whoop.
BENDER: And such sexy TIGHTS. Does everybody wear those little TIGHTS where you come from, Wesley?
WESLEY: They’re not tights! This is the proscribed uniform of Starfleet!
BENDER: ... Tights.
WESLEY: Shut up!!
ANDREW: [to BENDER] Leave him alone. There are other people in here, you know. Nobody cares what you think.
BENDER: Oh, I bet they would, if I joined all your little clubs ... wrestling ... student council ...
WESLEY: [under his breath] I belong to the stellar cartography club.
BENDER: You hear that? Even young Wesley here is social. Demented and sad, but social!
[The other kids ignore WESLEY the rest of the morning. However, the enforced confinement, combined with their shared mistrust of all authority figures, produces a sense of intimacy, which in turn leads to a cautious friendship.]
BENDER: Hey, everybody. I got a stash in my locker. Let’s go get it, Tights-boy.
[BENDER, WESLEY and the other kids walk stealthily through the hallways. Suddenly, they spot PRINCIPAL VERNON! They’ll get busted for sure! WESLEY prys open the side panel on a water fountain, pulls out a few components and fashions a makeshift cloaking device. Now completely invisible, the kids proceed on their mission without getting caught. Back in the library, they fire up a fat doobie and get high.]
ALLISON: Hmm. [She puts the cloaking device in her own shoulder bag. CLAIRE chokes with laughter.]
ANDREW: Chicks can’t hold dey smoke! That’s what it is!
ALLISON: OK, Wesley, confession time. Why are you here today, really?
WESLEY: [lightly baked] Actually, this really IS supposed to be my detention, but I’m not from here. I’m from the 24th century, and I live on this starship called The Enterprise. An’ I’m studying for Starfleet and stuff. And one day, I’m working on my science project ... you know, nanocytes? And I accidentally fall asleep. When I wake up, all the nanocytes have escaped from the can ... and they get into the mainframe computer and, uh, destroy it. Completely fry it. The whole ship is disabled. We have to limp to a star base for repairs. And ...[WESLEY begins to choke up] the captain and my mother totally rain shit down on me, so I ... I go to my locker ... and I pull out this phaser ... and I try to kill myself with it. [Everybody gasps.] But I have it on “stun”, so I just wind up knocking myself out. It was so embarrassing. So now, I’ll flunk Nanotechnology, and I’ll never get into Starfleet. And I cannot get an F in Nanotech! It’s unacceptable! I ... just ... can’t ...
ANDREW: Parents – they put such pressure on you, man, and you gotta just take their shit. I hate that!!
CLAIRE: [crying] Me too.
ALLISON: When you grow up, your heart dies.
BENDER: Who cares?
ALLISON: I do.
WESLEY: And you know what's really ironic? In the 24th century, there are so many other opportunities, and so many planets, you can do whatever you want, hang out with whomever you want. There’s no money – you can travel anywhere for free. And all kids ... [the light dawns for WESLEY] ... all kids are emancipated at age 14 ...
[The kids look at each other slyly. WESLEY activates his Starfleet communicator badge.]
VOICEOVER: ... and so, Mr. Vernon, we learned we’re more than just a jock ... a headcase ... a princess ... a criminal ... and a space-jockey. That’s why we’re leaving for the Gamma Quadrant to raise some serious hell. Good-bye, Earth - forever!
[PRINCIPAL VERNON reads the essay with a deeply puzzled frown. That great tune from Simple Minds is playing. The library is empty. The school is empty. Outside, parents honk their car horns in vain.]
~ END ~
- pam
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