beancounter parodies: Harry Potter and the Night Job of Dismay

Harry Potter has finally graduated from Hogwarts, married Ginny and settled down. Discovering that being an auror means a paltry salary and a lousy dental plan, Harry Potter takes a job moonlighting as a spam e-mailer.

Day Three:

Orientation finally over. Had no idea how easy a Muggle job would be. Most of intro to do with defeating spam-blockers using phony IP addresses. If had known, would have blown off this course - plan on using one of the Machinus Confoundus curses we learned in Muggle Studies back in school.

Using computer for diary. Typing improving. Boss says good practice for something called “writing code”. ??? Hope will not work here that long.

To Do Tomorrow: Owl to Dumbledore. Said I must either kill Voldemort, or be killed. But did not SPECIFY DATE. Need status & timeframe! Should have asked back in school. Always just assumed it would be prior to graduation. Duh.

Day Four:

What the hell is this "basketball"? Some American sport, it seems. Must call Hermione (but she moves out of Ron's apartment so often even the Floo Network gets confused-- those two need serious counselling) and ask her for an explanation. I feel the Muggles staring at me when I say things like "is this 3-point play like a three-act play?" and I then get The Official Look....

Whoa - Just noticed our boss is a former Death Eater! Snake tattoos on arms! And he listens to this bad-sounding stuff that sounds like a call to join Voldemort and commit the Ultimate Evil! Must alert the

Later: Never mind. Tattoos just regular variety. And music is something called Cannibal Corpse - unfortunate lifestyle choice but not Ultimate Evil. Crazy Muggles.

Job ends at midnight. No reason to go home. My love life stinks. Ginny's in Egypt working with Bill for Gringott’s for the next two months, and Cho won’t return my owls. Well, there's that "strip club" across the street. All my co-workers (even the ladies!) say the "champagne room" is killer. Must try it out...

Day Four (later):

Sending spam around globe easy but boring. Need more challenge, dammit. Am best (living) auror in the entire Ministry! If I don’t get out of this cubicle, shall go insane!

Boss is a wanker – tattoos of snakes on arms. Honestly.

Hmm. Possible to animate tattoos with spell? Heh.

Later: Yes. But soon grew bored listening to his screams about a “flashback”.

Instead, will exercise writing skills – who could forget how tough Prof. Wordsworth's Comp Class was in Sixth Year! Even though he was a ghost and couldn't hit us with his ruler. Yes. Will compose my own solicitations from now on. Let’s see.

GREETINGS IN NAME OF JESUS CHRIST. ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. MY NAME IS PONTIFICATOR B. GIZZARD, AND I MUST IMPLORE YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY IN THIS MATTER. I AM A MEMBER OF STAFF AT GRINGOTT'S BANK IN NIGERIA, AND HAVE DISCOVERED AN ACCOUNTING IRREGULARITY HAPPENED DURING THE TRANSFER OF 10 MILLION GALLEONS BETWEEN NIGERIA AND THE U.K., WHICH OCCURRED IN THE COURSE OF A REGIME CHANGE WHICH RESULTED IN AN INSURRECTION AMONG WARRING TROLL FACTIONS. FORTUNATELY IN THE CONFUSION I WAS ABLE TO WITHDRAW THE FUNDS WITHOUT DETECTION AND HAVE SECRETED THE AMOUNT IN A CRATE OF OLIVANDER’S WANDS. I URGENTLY REQURE THE ASSISTANCE OF A TRUSTWORTHY INDIVIDUAL WHO

whups everybody's knocking off for the evening. Off to the Champagne Room.

Day Six:

Results mixed. Little response to my Nigerian spam, but huge number of hits to website offering something these Muggles call "V1@gra". What the hell is it? Why the use of numbers and symbols in the word? Nobody will tell me. Hmm. Well as long as it pays.

To Do Tomorrow: Now that have signed deed to Black family mansion, must have Sirius's mother's portrait REMOVED ASAP. Should whole wall be torn out? Expensive? Contact Dobby.

Day Seven:

Boss definitely NOT a Death Eater- read my spam but told me he didn't understand what a Galleon is, or what Gringott's is. I since found out he's what Muggles call a "metal-head" (although it looks perfectly normal to me). Definitely need to ask Hermione on this one (apparently she's back with the parents for a awhile until--like always--Mr and Mrs. Weasley come by to talk her into a reconciliation!).

But still getting massive hits about "V1@gra” (I'd swear one of them was from Lupin!!)!

Have visited strip-club every night. One pretty Chinese girl looks just like Cho, only wearing much less clothing. Keep forgetting to bring Muggle money and apparently Bertie Botts Every-Flavored Beans not smart choice to offer Muggle women (especially when they get the ear wax ones).

Had a bad scare--saw Dudley enter the club with his stockbroker pals. Still do not understand how on earth he got through college and was taken on by that firm. "Killer instinct" Uncle Vernon says but I think "killer stupidity" a much better explanation...

Dudley already driving a brand-new BMW. Hate him. Not fair. Which of us is best (living) auror at Ministry? Which of us routinely saves Great Britain from forces of darkness? Yet am still flying that tatty old Nimbus 2003. Am starting to think Avada Kedrava in a dark alley some night not a bad idea!!

Day Eight:

Boss did not show tonight. Bloody wanker. Am helping coworkers with assignments, as have gotten quite good at this internet spam business.

Am exhausted. Hard to work auror day job and this evening gig too. Have had to resort to stimulants like in the old days when used to cram for O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s. Happy to find Fred and George’s famous merchandise is now online; catalog ordering so much more convenient than going directly to Diagon Alley, even by floo network. And no owl service charges. Just as soon as

Oh no. Just took a look at F & G's product. This is stuff they sell here at the office! Did F & G invent it? Where did it come from? Made in "The Burrow"? Good Lord! What have I just taken??

Day Eight (Later)

Man oh man am I in trouble. F & G just told me (via Sirius's old mirror) that "V1@gra" and "Ciall/1s" are stuff they developed a few years ago and sold to Muggle chemists as a joke, and that I should immediately go take a cold cold shower or maybe even get on my broom and find a Quidditch field and knock a bunch of Bludgers around. Why? How will that help?

Unfortunately, all I can think about is that girl at the strip-club. I've made my bank card vanish four times now but I keep bringing it back.

A hundred quid. That's all. I'll tell Ginny I had to repair something on the fly that magic wouldn't fix--computers are pretty magic proof so that should be OK.

Is it warm in here?

F & G say that they know the club in question and that more than one Hogwarts grad has "gone Muggle" there. Asked what it’s worth to me for them to keep quiet. I told them that I knew about them smuggling "Girls of Beauxbatons" calendars in from France. They said that was different. Then they severed connection in a snit. Will they tell Ginny about the strip club now? Why oh why did I marry into that family?

Day Eight (11:30 p.m.)

Bloody hell! Things are definitely moving down there! Even if didn't know these pills had been invented in the wizarding world, could have guessed by this point. No Muggle could have invented such bizarre stuff. It feels like I’m about to be led back to the Champagne Room by my own pants!

When will this wear off?!? Help! Need Madame Pomfrey! Or ... someone prettier ...