Gilligan's Island as an Adam Sandler vehicle*

* I’d better not yell that too loudly – it’s just the sort of thing he might actually try.

SKIPPER: Gilligan! Your sailor knots came untied, and now the astronaut’s space pod that accidentally washed up on shore last week, washed back out into the ocean again!

GILLIGAN [Played by Adam Sandler]: Hey, chill out, Supersize. If I'm such a terrible sailor, why d'you keep hiring me as your first mate?

SKIPPER: Don’t try and change the subject! If it weren’t for your bumbling, we might have used that space pod to get off this island!

GILLIGAN: So we're stuck here. Big frickin' deal! It’s not as if you couldn’t stand to lose a few thousand pounds on the South Pacific Beach Diet. Whoa! Wait a minute! Didja ever notice how much our dysfunctional relationship is patterned off of Laurel and Hardy? ‘Cause I never noticed that before. Been watching this show all my life, too. That’s … that’s really wild. Really. [Wanders away.]

GINGER: Gilligan! There you are! Gilligan, I hear you have a secret diary. [Slides her arms around his neck in a sexy way.] There's something about you, Gilligan. You're so original. I’d give anything to read your diary.

GILLIGAN: Anything?

GINGER: Anything.

GILLIGAN: Sweetheart, I turn down eighteen shiksas like you every day. Before breakfast. [Disentangles himself from her arms.] Tell you what, though – I think we should have a contest for the right to read my secret diary, you know? Everybody on the island will do something quirky and endearing for me. And the most unique bit of pandering? That’s the person who will win. Run along now, and tell all your little friends.

[The word soon gets out. LOVEY is the first to approach GILLIGAN, lugging a heavy box made out of palm leaves and coconut shells.]

LOVEY: Gilligan, how’s this? [Switches on the palm leaf device, which turns out to be a karaoke machine.]

I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, a you don’t stop
the rock it to the bang bang boogie say
up jumped the boogie
to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!

GILLIGAN: Wel-l-l, it’s a start, but it’s been done before.

PROFESSOR: Hey, Gilligan! Look! [Takes a hammer and nail, drives the nail right through his own sneakered foot into a plank underneath.] While I’ve lived on this island, I’ve perfected the science of narco-hypnosis! I put myself into a deep trance right before I drove this nail into my own foot! I don’t feel a thing!

GILLIGAN: Dude. Are you sure you’re in a trance? ‘Cause you sure don’t look like it.

PROFESSOR: What? Of course I’m … AAAAAARGH! [Limps around a whole lot with a plank nailed to his foot.]

GILLIGAN: Darn. That was shaping up to be pretty eccentric. He almost had me.

MARYANN [played by Drew Barrymore, of course]: Gilligan? I – I’d like to win the contest, but I’m not as flashy as Ginger, or as good a rapper as Mrs. Howell … and the Professor used the last nail … I just don’t know if I'm quirky and endearing enough to even live on the same island as you.

GILLIGAN: Oh, Maryann. You know, all that stuff about quirky and endearing … I was just saying all those things. What I could really use, is a friend. Just a friend, you know? Someone I can talk with … walk with … someone to confide the deep wellspring of my warm and sensitive feelings.

MARYANN: Oh, Gilligan! D’you … d’you think I could be that girl?

GILLIGAN: Well, I’m not saying you’ll succeed, but you could try.

MARYANN: I’m so happy! Even if I don’t win your stuffy ol’ contest, I’m going to give you this banana crème pie, which I baked myself!

GILLIGAN: You baked this pie? But we’re stranded on a desert island! Where did you get a pie shell, milk, Kayo syrup, cornstarch, flour, butter, vanilla, three eggs (separated), and a ½ cup sugar?

MARYANN: Oh, I – I didn’t need all those things, silly! I used Cool Whip!

GILLIGAN: COOL WHIP?!?

MARYANN: [Realizing her fatal mistake] You’ll never catch me!

GILLIGAN: AFTER HER!

[The castaways chase MARYANN – even the PROFESSOR, who is still limping with the plank. Finally, GILLIGAN tackles her, frisks her, and comes up with a remote control from her bosom that opens a secret hatch near the bay that moors a 30-foot yacht. They are saved!]

[On the yacht, the castaways are heading back to civilization. MARYANN sits tied up. She’s rueful but happy.]

MARYANN: Sorry I wrecked everybody’s summer plans!

GILLIGAN: Hey. At least you won the contest.

MARYANN: Oh, Gilligan!

SKIPPER: Gilligan, little buddy, you’re a genius!

GILLIGAN: Hell, it’s all in a day’s work, right, Tubby? I think we’ve learned a valuable lesson – I know I have - that even though the world can be cruel, and sometimes it's broken up into half-hour segments ... deep down, life is truly worth living, ‘cause we’re all original and unique Everymen, each in his or her own way. In fact, I feel a song coming on!

[Everybody scrambles to sit at GILLIGAN’S feet while he pulls out a ukelele and sings off-key in his own engaging way.]

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip,
That started makin’ me really bored,
Before you all got hip.

The mate – that’s me – is a quirky guy,
The skipper friggin’ fat,
Which is really weird ‘cause he lived on grass,
And bananas and coconuts and a few fish and dates – and stuff like that.

But now we’re off to see the world,
This movie’s sure to please,
My style is box office gold
And makes millions in royalties!

Comments

[BB]

This is really good!! You should send it off to Aaron Spelling right away, and give Adam the word up.

[Anthony]

No, don't let anyone see it! Given the (true) vulgarity of the current film markeplace it'll be in a multiplex sooner than you can say "Opera Man" or "Happy Gilmore"!
But while we're at it, anyone want to make some casting choices:

The Skipper: John Goodman of course (or maybe the guy from "King of Queens")

Mary Ann: Sandra Bullock (or is she too old now)?

Ginger: Milla Jovovich

Mr. Howell: James Garner

Mrs. Howell: Judi Dench

The Professor: Alan Rickman or the guy who was Jodi Foster's dad in "Contact"

Maybe Harold Ramis to direct. Throw in a sunny Carribean-flavored Alan Mencken score and bingo!: A "Gilligan's Island" that might almost be toerable (if it weren't for AS)!

[pam]

If it's Adam as Gilligan, then it's Drew as Maryann. Sorry, but Adam is quite adamant on that point, and has even specified it in his contract. Everybody else has to be a lesser b.o. draw than Adam. Oh, and don't worry about the finishing touches on the script - every Adam movie must follow the Adam movie ideal, which may only spring forth fully-formed from Adam's skull.

[Anthony]

This isn't a film project, it's a roller-derby marathon hosted by the Braille Institute!

[pam]

I've been thinking about that last remark for a day now. And I still don't know ... what does it mean?

[Anthony]

I think you fully understand what I was trying to say but in the spirit of Adam Sandler you're chanelling complete (and fake) ignorance.
So once again:

Roller Derby: a fast-paced, potentially dangerous game played on skates in elliptical rink...
The Braille Institute: where "visually-challenged people" learn to pretend they can interpret those goofy dots you see in state and Federal buildings...
Adam Sandler's "Gilligan's Island": the metaphorical equivalent to a roller-derby marathon sponsored by the Braille Institute...
Do I need to do this again?

[JP Aclan]

Nice script! I think it will do great not only in the movies but also in a T.V Sitcom!

[JoAndra]

A-sides, why mess with a good thing? B-sides, having good writers is one thing, so I say get an original concept.
I'm not dissin' any o' y'all, just try somethin' that hasn't been thought of or done yet.

[gj]

This is priceless! Somewhere in your youth or childhood, you must have watched too many last halves of Gilligan's Island.

Your mother

[John Williford]

Please do not make the script stupid in a way that would make fun of the original show or degrade it. Example would be the Brady Bunch movies. It did nothing but poke fun of the original show. I do not like any of the caracters using profanity of any kind. They did not in the orginial show and I think that it can be done without it in the movie.