[John Steed and Emma Peel pull into Petticoat Junction in the rattling farm pickup truck. Eb rides in the back. They park in front of the station. They step out and gaze at the splendor. Steed is still trying to get Peel to see the bright side of their assignment.]
Steed: Mmm! Picturesque!
Peel: Mmm! Provincial!
Peel goes inside the train station office. Steed and Eb saunter around to catch some of the local flavor. They find themselves on the front porch of the nearby Shady Rest Hotel. Uncle Festus, local curmudgeon, sits on a rocker.]
Eb: Howdy, Uncle Festus!
Festus: Eb, m’boy! [Peers closely] You look a sight better’n last time I saw you!
Eb: Uh, Uncle Festus, this-here’s Mister Douglas! He’s new to Hooterville!
Festus: Yessir, last time I saw you, you was in a pretty bad way. Influenza, Miz Ziffel said.
Eb: Er … Mister Douglas is a farmer!
Festus: Reminded me of the war … now what were we … [Sees Eb anew.] Eb, m’boy! [notices Steed for the first time. Takes in his English suit and bowler hat.] Great balls of fire! Son, whatever yer sellin’, I’ll take two!
/ / /
[Continuing their saunter, Steed and Eb near the huge water tower that sits behind the station and the hotel.]
Eb: Good ol’ Uncle Festus! Known him since I was this high! Ain’t been the same since the war!
[They both stop at the sound of giggling – from above? They look up. Eb grins shyly. Steed tips his bowler hat back with his brolly.]
Steed: I say!
[Peel and three other wet, beautiful girls have folded their bare arms over the side of the water tower. They look down smugly.]
Peel: “If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would get done.”
Steed: “I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.”
Peel: “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.”
Steed: [with a gallant salute] You do know your Wittgenstein, Mrs. “Douglas”.
Peel: Thank you! These are the three Jo’s. They’ve discovered the most delightful pastime. We’d ask you to join us, but …
Eb: Well …!
Steed: [firmly] Right. Eb and I will await you at the truck.
/ / /
[Rattling along in the truck, Eb can be seen through the back window. Peel, dressed but with wet hair, is nonplussed, wincing about the bouncy ride.]
Steed: Train office was no help?
Peel: Well, everyone who comes to Petticoat Junction leaves. And everyone who leaves Petticoat Junction comes back. I myself find that positively remarkable, but not in the way you mean. There were no one-way trips, Steed. No visitors in the last few months.
Steed: Something will turn up … One can’t hide a Ukrainian science team and a 150-foot tall, fully-functioning missile just anywhere, even in the middle of … [his voice trails off. He and Peel both stare out at a gigantic grain silo.]
Peel: [Half humorously] Oh. Now that would be too simple.
Steed: Almost provincial.
/ / /
[The next day, Steed and Peel are about to start their day of investigative skulking. Mr. Haney pulls into the yard in his pickup truck.]
Mr. Haney: Good morning, Mr. and Miz Douglas! And how are we settling into our new domicile?
Peel: [dryly] Mr. Haney, I cannot tell you how thrilled we are with the accommodations.
Mr. Haney: I’m so glad to hear it! And if there’s anything at all you need, why, do not hesitate to enquire.
Steed: Why, if you have a few hours, I would appreciate being shown areas of local interest. I’m particularly interested in grain silos. Fascinating things!
Mr. Haney: [oily and ingratiating] Mr. Douglas, I would be more than happy to esquire you about this fine morning … fer renumeration of an equitable measure. [Reaches into the truck, whips out a cab fare meter, attaches it to the dashboard in a second. Steed blinks.]
Steed: Right. It’s arranged, then. Mrs. Douglas, care to accompany?
Peel: [parodying Mr. Haney’s speech] I must beg to be excused, with my sincerest regrets, due to a prior social engagement.
[So Steed and Mr. Haney poke around the countryside. Over a cheerful Green Acres tune, Mr. Haney points out a montage of country locales. By the time we pass Eb in the middle of a field, talking to a scarecrow (his best friend, according to Mr. Haney), it feels as if this area is the most surreal place in the world. Steed feels rather disoriented by the trip’s end. Back at the farm, he carefully peels pound notes off a roll for Mr. Haney’s trouble. Mr. Haney whips out a currency conversion chart. He points. Steed nods distractedly and gives him more notes.]
/ / /
[Peel and Steed sit down to dinner at the farm. They regard their plates with trepidation. Whatever the food used to be, it isn’t recognizable now.]
Steed: [bracingly] Mrs. Peel, I do believe you are becoming more proficient on this cast iron stove every day. This looks like a delightful sole almondine.
Peel: I’m so relieved, Steed. It started as chicken a la king. [Steed smiles.] Since you’re so keen on the simple life, you are in charge of dinner tomorrow.
Steed: I shall do my best. What did you find out this afternoon?
Peel: Mrs. Ziffel stopped by and invited me to something called the “Ladies Every Other Wednesday Afternoon Discussion Club”. Then I visited the general store. The proprieter, a Mr. Drucker, was a delight. And so informative. It so happens that …
[Just then, Arnold the Pig walks in. He wears a black collar with studs, and carries a comic book rolled up in his mouth. Steed puts down his fork and looks at Peel.]
Peel: Oh. This was the other reason for Mrs Ziffel’s visit. She asked us to, er, pig-sit for a few days.
Steed: And you said “no”, so she took the pig to someone else’s house.
Peel: Yes, that’s exactly how it happened. Except I actually said yes, and then she left him here. Now Steed, you’re the one who wants to go native. Look! A pig with a comic book! It’s picturesque!
[At dinner, Steed picks at his plate. In the kitchen, Peel surreptitiously scrapes her own plate at the sink. Arnold walks in. Suddenly, we hear very loud, high-pitched radio whine. Peel stiffens. Her eyes go blank. Slowly, picks up a kitchen knife, turns, and walks like a robot to where Steed sits with his back to her. The knife is raised dramatically. The music soars!
At the last second, Steed spies Peel’s shadow. His eyes widen. He dives, barely dodging her knife. He comes up from the floor, brandishing his brolly. Peel lunges again. They tussle in the small room, knocking over chairs and tables. Peel tumbles and comes up for another stab. Steed hooks her hand with the umbrella and gives it a twist, sending the knife flying. Peel doesn’t hesitate, but uses ju jitsu moves against Steed. He is driven back into the living room. They skirmish another few moments until Peel falls for a parry and kicks too high; Steed grabs her boot and flips her on her back. Her head hits the floor with a solid thump. He follows her down and quickly administers a sleeper hold. She is knocked out. Steed sits back heavily, panting, looking strained and worried. He looks up in time to see Arnold scurrying out of the room.]
/ / /
Stumble it!
Cool combo of classic 60's and early 70's tv shows in a fanfic!! Don't forget to work in the Cannonball!!
Posted by: Nicholaus R. Buthmann | November 19, 2008 at 12:51 AM