[Steed and Emma pull up in front of a very dilapidated farmhouse. They get out and grimace – the “Green Acres” theme music is too loud to talk above. Steed waves a piece of paper in his hand and points to a telephone pole. Emma nods and walks to the front door. Steed gamely climbs the pole and makes a call from the receiver at the top.]
Steed: Hello, Mother? We’ve made it.
Mother’s voice: Good show, Steed. When did you arrive?
Steed: Only just. [Glances down at the roof. It is patched with hotcakes.] Accommodations just as well-appointed as we expected, for America. What’s the word?
Mother: Well, as you recall, the intel we intercepted three days ago stated that the Russians have been developing a new satellite that can deliver a powerful, deadly laser beam to anywhere on Earth, with pinpoint accuracy. The word is now, the satellite is only a day away from being launched.
Steed: And the location of the satellite’s rocket is … Hooterville, U.S.A. [grimly] Diabolical. The last place anybody’d think to look for a weapon being built against the West is … in the West.
Mother: We’ve recently learned that the scientist in charge of the mission is a prisoner of the Russians, not a conspirator. We have heard through the pipeline, he wishes to defect. His name is Marko. Look for him, Steed. You are authorized to offer Dr. Marko political asylum in the name of Her Majesty.
Steed: Right-o. Any more on the rocket?
Mother: Why, yes. It’s a bloody-great rocket, Steed. Shouldn’t be too difficult to find. Oh and Steed – be prepared to encounter resistance to your work. We’ve heard reports the KGB sent one of their best operatives to keep a close eye.
Steed: Mother, what about the CIA? They’ve been informed, of course?
Mother: We tried. They didn’t believe a word of it, but said they might try to spare us a man.
Steed: Typical. Too little too late. Right. [Hangs up. Climbs down the pole.]
Peel: Steed!
Steed [joins her in the living room]: Well, Mrs. Peel, I trust everything’s to your satisfaction?
Peel [sarcastic as can be]: Oh quite! Let’s take a walk-through, shall we? … The bedroom closet opens out into … [opens door with a flourish]
Steed: The yard!
Peel: The shower is open to the outside as well! And the roof appears to be patched with …
Steed: Er, hotcakes.
Peel: Quite.
Steed: Well, as long as the kitchen can produce a nice spot of tea, we should be all set.
Peel [dryly] Don’t hold your breath. What’s the latest from Mother?
Steed: Hmm. We’re on recon until what we’re looking for turns up. [They begin to head for the front door.] Oh and we may meet a chap who wishes to move West … and possibly a KGB operative ...
[Steed is interrupted by Eb, who walks right in the front door.]
Eb: Howdy! I’m Eb! Why, you must be our new neighbors, the Douglases!
Peel: How d’you do, Eb. [proffers a hand. Eb shakes it heartily]
Eb: I do all right, Miz Douglas! Why, only yesterday, I cured Arnold of the Shim-Shams!
Peel: “Shim-shams”? I say - is that contageous?
Stumble it!
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