beancounter parodies: The Elizabeth Show

Act one:
Queen Elizabeth II travels to Africa to head up an important conference in Zimbabwe. Before the ceremonies begin, she is given a tour of “the real Zimbabwe”, complete with a walk through a dusty rural market. Everything is going smashingly – the naked little village children are friendly, pressing fruits and woven hats in her hands. The native women, squatting by their stalls, smilingly offer their wares to her for free. “Because everyone in the world knows and loves you!” gushes the ambassador as cameras click and whirr. Touched, Elizabeth impulsively exchanges her own hat for a new straw one – but she drops her purse. Bending over, she notices all the carts and stalls along the dirt road are just propped up with beams, like stage sets. Before she can ask questions, the tour abruptly ends. Anxious-looking villagers wave goodbye to the speeding limosines.

Act two:
The rest of the conference is uneventful, if three days of pageantry, pomp and press conferences may be termed “uneventful”. But Elizabeth is bothered with a new idea that things are not as they appear. Back at the palace, she opens doors and spies tarpulins and videocamera equipment where the ballroom should be. She suddenly picks up the ringing telephone, instead of letting the butler answer it, and hears radio frequencies. A trusted servant later appears on the cover of a tabloid.

For the first time, she notices people, really notices the crush of people who constantly surround her. Servants - peerage - paparazzi – autograph-seekers – and always the same faces, it seemed, day after day. The curtsies, the bows, the obsequious murmuring. Looking at her, reaching out to touch her, hanging on her every word, as if she were the most important person in the world. Why? Because she was Queen, naturally – yet, was that a sane enough reason? Could it be something more?

Act three:
Worry turns to paranoia. Elizabeth is almost certain she is the center of a vast – mind-bogglingly vast – conspiracy, to keep her the unwitting star of a lifelong television show. She casts her mind back to her years of acquaintence with Diana, her “son” Charles’ wife. They had started out so friendly, and then - what happened? Elizabeth realizes belatedly that their relationship had been masterfully crafted into a distant and faintly hostile one, so They could keep Diana, an outsider and a hot-headed young actress, from spilling the beans. Why, Charles may even have gone so far as to divorce Diana, to get her out of the palace. But Elizabeth remembers a particular day, when the younger woman seemed ready to confide something of vital importance. What was it? Diana had been suddenly whisked away by her entourage, had traveled to France, and then … well, there had been no more Diana.

Act four:
Completely convinced, Elizabeth makes her desperate escape. She craftily evades butlers, guards, and a host of other conspirators and makes her way to the English Channel. Her stolen craft takes her, not into dreadfully murky, dangerous waters she had feared since childhood, but to the edge of the sky. Suddenly, a voice booms from everywhere at once. Could it be …

“Prime Minister Blair?” calls Elizabeth.

“Yes, Elizabeth," replies the voice of Tony Blair. "We prime ministers have watched you grow up. We have watched you come into your own. You have been the best-loved woman in the world, on camera, your whole life! Viewed by billions of adoring fans! Come back to us and be happy. There’s nothing for you out there!”

But Elizabeth merely raises the royal hand in a last salute, and escapes the prison of monarchy.

FIN