An opening:
Jerry, doing his monologue on stage at a comedy club:
Why is it that so many people want to sell their souls to the devil? Does he offer better credit terms than God? Can you lease your soul instead of selling it outright? A thirty-day guarantee or your immortal soul back no questions asked? What gives? Perhaps God is going about it wrong? Let's look for a moment, OK? God wants eternal fealty and devotion to a life spent obeying God's commands or you go to hell. The Devil gives you youth and beauty and all the money you can spend and you end up in hell anyways. I think most people say 'hmm, with all that youth and beauty I bet I could live a godly life a lot easier than being picked last at Single's Bars.' So I think God maybe needs to look at his marketing department. Somebody's not earning their wings at that place.
Act I: - a singles bar
Faust: (George Costanza) [Sitting desolately alone, after several beautiful women have brushed him off disdainfully.] I've had it! That’s it! I'm going to end it all and move back with my parents.
Seinfelopheles, or The Devil (Jerry Seinfeld): Hold on old friend. I know what you want.
Faust: What's that?
Seinfelopheles: Youth. Beauty. Money. To be master of your Domain. King of your castle.
Faust: Don't tell me. You want my soul? How 'bout my parents' souls. God knows they don't need them.
Seinfelopheles: No my friend. YOUR soul. [He pulls out out a credit card slip.] Sign here. Or...[he shows Faust a vision of his parents]...this is your life my friend.
Faust: Gimme that. [Signs].
Seinfelopheles: OK, Here's your youth and beauty and a bank check for a million bucks. Spend it well.
Act II - a different singles bar
[Faust and Seinfeldstopheles see Marguerite (Elaine) dancing with soldiers.]
Faust: She's so beautiful. But she dances like a spastic explosion. [Goes to Marguerite.] Hello. If you go out with me, you'd need never dance for soldiers again. I can get you work at a company designing catalogs for upscale safari wear.
Valentine [Kramer]: Hey, back off buddy, that's my sister dancing.
Faust: She's mine! [Stabs Valentine.]
Valentine: These pretzels are making me thirsty. [Dies.]
Marguerite: Now what will I do for comfort?
Faust: Come with me.
[In the background you can hear Seinfeldstopheles laughing phonily.]
Act III – Faust’s apartment
Faust: I love you Marguerite. Why are you so resistant?
Marguerite: I don't know. Maybe it's that we can never have a private moment without your "friend" hanging around laughing that phoney laugh of his. Say, you're not ... are you?
Faust: No!!! … Not that there's anything wrong with it. [To Seinfeldstopheles] Go away.
Marguerite: I feel so much better. Now I can easlly talk to you. Do you know what really turns me on, Faust?
Faust: Me, I hope.
Marguerite: You're OK. But what really makes me tingle are middle-aged guys who are broke and live with their parents.I really put out for guys like that. [She dies in a state of grace.]
Faust [screaming]: Serenity forever!
[Curtain goes down to phoney laughter out of hell.]
- Anthony
Stumble it!
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