"Carmen" as directed by Monty Python

“Carmen” as reworked by Monty Python:

Carmen: (throwing flower at Don Jose): Hey Soldier...
Don Jose: Don Jose.
Carmen: Que?
DJ: I'm a corporal in the Spanish army.
C: Well, sorry, but from behind you looked like a lovelorn soldier....
DJ: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like a witless sexual pawn.
C: Well, I am an amoral temptress after all...
DJ: And how'd you get that way? By failing to ever establish a lasting relationship...
C: Be quiet.
DJ: True love comes from a mature understanding of a partner's psychological and sexual essence, not from some farcical floral cermony.
C: Be quiet!
DJ: Look, if I went round saying I was in love just because some moistened bint lobbed a tulip at my head they 'd put me away!
C: BE QUIET!
DJ: Quick, come see the violence inherent in the opera! Help! Help! I'm being sexually harrassed!
C: Bloody Corporal...

- Anthony