Typical. Today's my first day back to school, and I've slept, like, 45 minutes. Finally got up and fired up the coffee and the television.
Things I learned this morning from cable TV:
* MTV actually does still run music videos - from 3 a.m. to 5 a.m.
* As far as the music videos go, you haven't been missing much.
* HGTV still runs an old show called Room By Room. This is a design show where two very, very perky hosts decorate people's kitchens using just a few yards of nautical fabric, some flotation devices, rope and a hot glue gun. The results are, well, very very 90's-looking. I can't believe I used to think this show was cool.
* Saved By The Bell, which I'd never watched an entire episode of, turns out to be wildly overacted, and painfully predictable, yet not as tough to sit through as I'd imagined. Hayley Mills is a high school teacher. The school walls are made of cardboard - very surreal. Hayley has, like, eight students in her whole class. They are all dressed in 80's fashions and have big hair. The students walk and talk using bi-i-ig gestures like they've all trained for the kabuki theatre. Every episode, one of them has a "problem". When Hayley sees the Problem Person moping in the school hallway, every conversation goes like this.
Miss Bliss: [Concerned] Zach, I see you've been moping today. Is something wrong?
Zach: [Walking around with an arrow sticking out of his skull] Why no, Miss Bliss. No problem! No problem at all! [Audience laughs]
Miss Bliss: Now, Zach, I can't help but sense you're - well, you're holding something back. What is it?
Zach: Well, all right! It's this arrow sticking out of my skull!
Miss Bliss: [Gently] Yes?
Zach: Well, gee, Miss Bliss! All the kids are laughing at me! Even Skeezer and Marie! And evil Mr. No-Nose the Janitor? Said I look worse than he does! [Audience screams with laughter]
Miss Bliss: [Lays a comforting hand on his shoulder. Music cue.] You know Zach, being a teenager is a tough time for everybody.
Zach: I guess so. You're right! Thanks, Miss Bliss!
Anyway, now you know what's going on on TV while you are sleeping. Next time we'll cover all your basic home shopping channels and the research will be complete.
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