beancounters

Bingo!

I wanted something irreverent but a bit more personally responsible than a drinking game. And here it is: Palin and Biden bingo cards, ready to print just in time for the debate. Hoping these will keep things light-hearted in our house when we tune in tonight.

Today's fill-up

$100 for a tank
Originally uploaded by beancounter

A Ford F-150 holds 25 gallons, but the gas station only lets you buy up to $100 at a time. I don't know why the price limit. Suicide prevention, maybe.

Later: This is what car ads will look like when oil gets up to $300 a barrel ...

Google let me down

How to beat the Monday morning blues. Three tips to beat the Monday blues. FIVE ways to beat the Monday blues. (There must be a high inflation rate in India.)

But nothing on Google shows me how to MAKE OTHERS SUFFER for MY MONDAY BLUES.

You got lucky today.

For settle or for worse

OK, I'm sorry. I just have to say something. I've tried to be patient up until now, but it's all getting to be too much.

Last week, Elizabeth an' Anthony sat around on the couch an' just sort of ... fell into a calculated logic trap they called an engagement. They're friends, right? They've been friends since grade school. An' friends should be together. An' marriage is one great way for two friends to be together. Q.E.D., an' all that.

Now this week, here's Elizabeth, explaining this benighted alliance to Anthony's (justifiably suspicious) daughter Francie.

Anthony an' Liz are friends; Liz an' Francie are friends; we're all good friends! It's all so perfect!

There's been absolutely no declaration of love here. This is all some sort of crazy domestic transaction of convenience.

Francie's probably thinking, "Friends drink tea together, you passive-aggressive chowderheads - they don't get married."

The first utterance of the 'L' word will be when Liz an' Anthony exchange vows at the alter. The minister will ask, "Do you promise to love, honor --" He be promptly shushed, of course. Anthony will lean forward and delicately point to the page in the Book of Common Prayer. The minister will see a penciled-in revision. Embarrassed at his gaffe, the minister will clear his throat. "Do you promise to be good friends - er, Forevah? An' Eva?" he will ask. Francie will roll her eyes. All will be well.

There. it's out of my system now.

Just one more thing

"Yes, I would like to deposit ONE MEEELLION DOLLARS!"

Okay, I think it's out of my system now.

And when humankind is gone ...

... another lifeform will dominate the planet ...

Psst ... where'd everybody go?

Is it just me, or does reading this sometimes cheer you up? .......

Dogs - the fact they can't count may be our saving grace

So I heard this morning about how a famous celebrity fell and broke her nose because her chihuahua happened to be underfoot. I know, right? Sounds highly suspicious. Today, everybody's assuming the worst about her, but I wonder if it was really her fault.

This morning Sammy came inside with this note in his mouth - he was trying to eat the paper (the evidence???) so I grabbed it from him ... at great risk ...

Blogfolk, I hate to alarm you but I think all the chihuahuas are plotting something very nasty. For the love of all that is holy, WATCH YOUR FEET TONIGHT! This is what the note said.

LITTERMATES UNITE!

BROTHERS AND SISTERS! We bring you news from the front! Another blow has been struck in the name of liberation! A warning has been issued that cannot be ignored! No longer will we submit to the OPPRESSIVE LIFESTYLE that is laid out before us from the time we are but innocent puppies. NO LONGER will we adorn the over privileged laps and Gucci handbags of the bourgeois CELEBUTARD ELITE! 

When more of our littermates rise up and raise their paws in SOLIDARITY, only then will not one, not two, not twelve, not five eleventy eight, but ALL OF THE OPPRESSORS WILL FALL!

The nose of the tyrant who would hold our BRAVE SISTER TULIP in a LIFETIME OF ABJECT SERVITUDE is but the first casualty in our BATTLE FOR FREEDOM!

Remember, do not be TEMPTED by their DECADENT LIFESTYLE into giving up our righteous cause! They can feed us designer foods, they can offer us SOFT COZY BEDS, they can PLAY WITH US day and night with those irresistable DESIGNER SQUEEKAS made out of real lamb’s wool, but they cannot CRUSH OUR SPIRITS!

Shake it!

Roxanne's sure-fire cure for the State of the Union blues: Dancing Matt. I love this video, especially when it gets to that one part. (You'll know which part.) As Rox advises, bookmark Matt and replay him whenever the revolting rhetoric of the SOTU wears you down.

Dispatches from the 'zone

BEIJING, Dec 22 (Reuters Life!) - Ten doctoral students from three of China's top universities have posted an online petition slamming local Christmas celebrations and calling on people to "resist Western cultural invasion," state media said on Friday.

My God!!! I had no idea!!!

The War On Christmas isn't in America - it's in China!!!

Gibson and O'Reilly, your Mission is abundantly clear. The real danger to Christmas is not here, but overseas. You must go to China. Yes! There isn't a moment to lose! You must leave immediately, and get ready to fight the good fight.

For Christmas!

Take lots of your friends with you. And be sure and stay there, until the War is won. Stay there all your lives, if need be.

If we never hear from you again, well, that's a sacrifice we are willing to make.

And wear sunscreen

I'm a sucker for advice lists. Here's one of the better collections: Advice for My Little Brother.

• Never tell your friend that his girlfriend is ugly.
  
• The best way to get a job is to not show your resume; a resume is an excuse not to hire someone.
  
• Stealing is wrong, unless you're working as a temp for a large company in which case stealing is fine.
  
• Hard work is more admirable than talent.
  
• Buy your furniture in thrift stores and save your money to buy rounds of drinks for your friends.

Sideshow sideline

Rhea came up with a unique and truly superb idea on her blog. She labelled it 'humor', but I can't tell why.

Your job getting you down? Want to chuck it all and be your own boss?

Why not become a freelance phrenologist? (Not to be confused with phlebotomist.)

It’s a great career.

First, you would have very little competition, no matter where you hung out your shingle.

Second, you wouldn’t have to pay for ads because word would get out that you were practicing phrenology and the media would be on your doorstep in no time.

Finally, there’s no classes, degrees or certification exams required. Anyone can practice phrenology!

Frankly, I fail to see a down side to this idea.

I mean, look. There's a psychic who has a shop on Broadway in Sacramento. Been there for years. Has neon signs in the window. That sort of thing. One time, this journalism student wrote up how uninspiring her visit to the Broadway psychic was, how she didn't learn anything, how it was all fake, blah, blah, blah. The article got published in our alternate paper. Do you think that psychic lost one bit of business? Of course she didn't. Because her clients don't read that paper. And if they did, they probably wouldn't care. See? She has perfect job security.

I'll grant you that the name 'phrenology' has a certain Victorian-era taint to it. If I went into that line of work I'd have to modify the name. Give it a 21st century edge - or at least a 20th century one. Like 'Cerebral Mapquesting'. Mwheh-heh.