beancounters

What X-Men character are you?

Courtesy of the Sacramento Bee: What X-Men character are you?

I took what I thought was the path of true peace and harmony ... only to find that, down in the depths of my blackened soul, I am secretly Magneto.

How like life itself!

You'll be relieved to know

that (as of Thursday morning) the impending debut of The Da Vinci Code has not tipped the Rapture Index. But keep checking back! It's not the weekend yet!

More talking

Speaking of this weekend's movie sensation, this was overheard in the office:

Teller: I haven't decided yet if I'm going to see The Da Vinci Code. I want to see it, but if I do I'll feel like I'm . . . supporting. You know?

Bank AVP: . . . Supporting?

Teller: The Devil!

[Long pause]

Bank AVP: Tom Hanks is the devil?

Look who's talking

From the incomparable Betty Bowers:

This man (on the left wearing a fabulous vintage chiffon-lined Dior gold lamé gown over a silk Vera Wang empire waist tulle cocktail dress, accessorized with a 3-foot beaded peaked House of Whoville hat, and the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of Oz) is worried that The Da Vinci Code might make the Roman Catholic Church look foolish.

Atta boy, Bruce

Bruce Willis has slammed the media for its poor news coverage, accusing the industry of deliberately ignoring serious news in favour of racy stories. [...] Willis insists, "We go for the sensational now in the news. If it's not sensational or tantalising or making fun of someone, it seldom gets into the news. "I don't watch the news anyway. I have it turned off, and I feel so much better for it. That's why I have that youthful glow about me. I don't look worried."

Sort of extreme, but at the same time, I feel this way sometimes myself.

I mean, in the course of the last week, against my will, and though I could not care less about her, a whole lot of controversy about Ash/ley Sim/pson's nose got embedded in my brain. What's that about?

How I alienate most normal readers in five easy steps

1. I read about the fact that the original Star Wars trilogy is coming out on DVD next September.

2. I sit for a moment, relishing the outrage I felt during the viewing of Lucas's "re-mastered" trilogy on DVD. All those new and gratuitously marketable creatures in the cantina! They made the place look less like an alien spaceport and more like Chuck E. Cheese! And then there was the scene where the plotline changes to where Han Solo shoots second - as if! - and of course, the sudden, jarring appearance of a svelte, debonair Jabba the Hutt on the streets of Mos Eisley. Did you notice that Solo suddenly looks about ten years older in that one scene? It was added a decade later! Lame! It's like Lucas thinks we're blind and stupid or something!

3. I consider blogging all this but I refrain, because I think I might alienate most normal readers.

4. I mention the DVD release to BB, my life partner and the best movie-friend a girl could have. He replies, all business-like, 'Oh, we're so getting that.' We high-five each other. Yes, really. ::cringe::

5. I do blog all this, because now, for better or worse, it's all just too eyeball-rollingly good not to share.

So that's it, that's how it's done. You've had enough? You're outta here, you say? Well, bye! Thanks for reading me all these years! I'll miss you! It's been great!

Nerf-herders only need apply

'Star Wars' Creator Becomes Storm Trooper

LOS ANGELES - Not that long ago, in a nearby galaxy, George Lucas joined forces with the dark side. The "Star Wars" creator has become a Storm Trooper.

Hasbro, maker of "Star Wars" toys, is paying plastic tribute to Lucas, interpreting him as a limited-edition action figure in Storm Trooper attire.

Speaking of all things Star Wars, I didn't know that May 4th was unofficially Star Wars Day. (As in, "May the Fourth be with you.") Funny!

I thought it was YOUR day to guard the Paramount boardroom

"Star Trek" franchise set for 2008 revival

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - More than three years after the last "Star Trek" movie crashed at the box office, the venerable sci-fi franchise is being revived [...]

Daily Variety said the action would center on the early days of "Star Trek" characters James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock, including their first meeting at Starfleet Academy and first outer-space mission.

[via]

My. God. Can we not let the dead rest in peace? Will these soulless Viacom suits stop at nothing? Are we so shortsighted? Are the bitter lessons we learned from producing Star Trek: Nemesis so easily erased from our fickle memories?!

Oh well. What's done is done. Dream team casting call in the comments section! I call Be/y/once Kno/wles as Uhura ...

Wouldn't you like to be a V-ger too?

People have been telling me I need a new banner. This physician banner is something I knocked together a few days ago ...

Yeah, I know. I'll work on it.

It's raining today, thank goodness. I mean hell's bells, Mother Nature set a new precipitation record for March, here in the Central Valley, but that's no reason why she should rest on her proverbial laurels. Keep raining! More rain! Push on through July! You can do it!

I got up this morning, and saw my dog Daisy on Bunny's bed. She looked at me and I looked at her, and Daisy was all like, 'It is so warm and snuggly right here, and I swear I do not have to pee. Pleeeease don't make me go outside ...' So I left her there. Good Pam!

BB and I watched Star Trek: The V-Ger Movie the other night. It's hard to believe, as nuts as I ever was about Star Trek, that I never saw this silly thing! It came out in 1979! But I'd always heard it was a bomb, and in my grief I avoided it. But apparantly they re-released it? or something? and included a major DC re-edit for free? Anyway, BB says it's ten times better now.

The Beeb acted as my host, giving his annotations throughout. "Now long about here," he murmured forty minutes in, "we were sick and tired of William Shatner's toupee."

"Did you shout things at the screen?"

"No, this was Star Trek, not Rocky Horror. But we did talk amongst ourselves."

Anthony, darling, we missed you terribly, and spoke of you with great reverence. Nobody can imitate the alien Ilia, walking around like a robot and saying "V-ger, V-ger" in a short little tunic, like you do.

Nothing to it - period!

I am having a full-blown attack of nostalgia tonight. When I was in junior high school (age 12, I guess), we girls watched this film in Gym Class - The Story Of Menstruation, produced by Disney. Ladies, please go watch this film, and then say a little prayer of thanksgiving that "Our Bodies, Ourselves" supplanted it within a generation.

  I remember that I let the info in this film sort of throw me off at the time, because a) the diagram of the uterus showed the menstration process as very tidy-looking and clinical, like plumbing - as you know, it ain't; and b) the cartoon girls in the film are all, well, mature-looking. They have curves and poufy lips, and they wear make-up. At age 12, I didn't look remotely like that. Nobody did. I mean, look at her! She's wearing a shower cap, for heaven's sake! What kid does that?

So, I ignored my teacher's lecture and just assumed this period business wouldn't happen to me for years. In fact, I put it entirely out of my mind. Figured when it eventually happened I'd know I was ready. Heh. Boy, did I get a surprise a few months later. But anyway ...

Ladies, I thought you'd get a kick out of this passage from the film:

To most girls, the menstrual stream should bring no severe discomfort. Some girls have a little less pep ... a feeling of pressure in the lower part of the body ... perhaps an occasional twinge or a touch of nerves. But don't let it get you down. After all, no matter how you feel, you have to live with people. You have to live with yourself, too! And once you stop feeling sorry for yourself and take those days in your stride, you'll find it easier to keep smiling and even-tempered!

I wish I could go back in time and get hired by Disney to write copy for this film based on real menstruation experience. It'd go something like this ...

To most girls, the menstrual stream brings a lot of discomfort. To say the least. Let's face it. Some girls want to hide in bed all day ... they feel like all their lower organs are attempting to squeeze their way out of the body ... perhaps they want to shriek because everyone around them keeps making that breathing noise. In and out, in and out, all day long! What's that about?! But don't let it get you down. After all, no matter how you feel, you have to live with people. And it's much harder to hide the bodies than you think. Which brings us to our next film in this series, entitled "Very Personally Yours: The Beautiful World of Over-The-Counter Medications".

Unlucky 13

Oh, fer ... Don't they have anything better to do?

Now, what's it about?

All Things Snakes On A Plane - NPR did a segment on the movie that's a phenomenon before it even opens.

They confirmed the rumor (or was it ever a rumor?) that New Line went back to the studio to shoot an additional nine days in order to turn the movie from PG to R. You know what that means. SLJ the Vulgarian.

Let the word go forth, Blogfolk: you meme, and Hollywood delivers. The imagination barrier between films and their fans just keeps breaking down!

Oscar's secret society?

Wild! Yesterday I speculated that Academy Award nominees receive secret instructions by mail. I wasn't far off. It turns out nominees get speech tips delivered on DVD.

The first bit of guidance? Winners must get to the stage and finish their speech all within 60 seconds.

"LOSE THE LIST." Don't thank everyone from the key grip to the guys on the prop truck.

(Hmm - some winners neglected to lose the list on Sunday night. Pity.)

[Hat tip to Kris]

Oscar fever

We watched every minute of the Oscars last night, which we hardly ever do.

And this morning, beyond a doubt, I have an inner celebrity hound to feed - I am poring over the post-Oscar photos. It's the parade of costumes and jewelry - they call to me.

Though it may have seemed very cruel to the winners, I think the rigid rule about the number of minutes seconds allowed during speeches did us a favor. It kept the thing down to its four-hour mark. Ceremonies in years past have been so organic and flappy, and seemed to go on for days. We all have to make sacrifices.

Do you think before the ceremony, the rules about the speaking times are announced to the entire audience, something like the way our principal used to exhort us to be quiet at school assemblies? Or maybe, when you're nominated, there's a list of 'dos and don'ts' included in the letter. So you'll have time to think 'brevity' as you write your acceptance speech.

It had to happen ...

Brokeback in 30 seconds with bunnies. [via Robert]

Fun Movie Quiz

It's Saturday, so you have time to try your hand at this fairly difficult movie quiz. The idea is to rope another person or two in, to help you. Seriously, unless you've seen a helluva lot of movies and remember them frame by frame ::cough::daniel:: you don't stand a chance. [via Robert]

Or ... here's a pretty good movie quiz that you can handle on your own.

Me? I stink at these things! I'm going to try and sneak out to the coffee shop and do some reading for my next class. It's a book all about a year in the life of the Kansas state legislature. Riveting!

Parodies for days

If you like Steely Dan, but you want to change all that, Anthony wrote a send-up of Br0keback Mtn sung to the tune of "Gaucho". And previously I put up a Titanic parody based on another Steely Dan tune. I guess we're on a jag right now ...

Regarding Titanic: you must understand, that though I have often said that Titanic is Nature's Perfect Movie, I do not mean to imply it is the World's Best Movie. There's a fine distinction!

The Devil's ketchup

Scenes from Exorcist: The Beginning, directed by Renny Harlan, as described by two bored Unitarians.

BB: What'd I miss?

Me: Nothing. This guy is an ex-priest. We don't know why. He's been asked to go on an archealogical dig. We don't know why. Something about God and a mysterious idol.

BB: Like a dark, edgy Indiana Jones.

* * *

BB: Pretty good acting, for an Exorcist movie. I'm actually enjoying this.

Me: Me, too. I don't know why it got only 1 1/2 stars --

Both of us: -- EWWWWWW!

Me: OK, Nobody has that much blood in his body!

* * *

That's some big monkey

Well, King Kong utterly rocked. I recommend it heartily. BB and I saw it last night. We chose it over Pride 'n' Prejudice, because I know what I like in a chick flick, and a great screenplay combined with brain-melting CGI ranks right up there. Sure, it's three hours long, but it's the same team who wrote the screenplay for LOTR, so you can count on loads of detail to answer every, every question you may have - or don't know yet that you have - about the story and the characters. Except for one area - the question of what exactly was wrong with Jimmy (the stowaway on the tramp steamer). Everyone took great pains to shelter him, but in the end he seemed less like a schizo and more like your basic pain in the butt snitch. And then he suddenly disappears. Why? Hmm.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, the movie. It was an excellent and well-chosen cast. Jack Black's best character is the fanatic who has no conscience but is still somehow likeable. And who is this Naomi Watts? I've never seen her before. Apparantly she's kind of famous. I hope she sticks with this acting thing, because she's really, really good.

'Raiders' geekitude

Check out this wonderfully replicated movie prop. It's the copy of the Staff of Ra. Remember? - the one that was made off-screen, using the burned hand of that evil Nazi?

I tell you. It's going on my fantasy Xmas list. Only from the mind of Indy.