beancounters

Dare on deconstruction

Your morning meditation:

Critics are lambasting the film for using imagery right out of 9/11, buildings falling down in New York City, without actually making any sort of comment on the event itself, but they don't seem to get the concept of deconstruction. It's exactly like 9/11. The terrorist is a monster that is never explained, the official story is certainly a sham, we'll never know what really happened because all we've got are video remnants picked up by future archaeologists who have to piece together the event through the eyes of observers with something else on their mind. And it will certainly be used as an excuse to start a "war on monsters" in Cloverfield II.

Golden Compass

We saw Golden Compass on Christmas day. It was thrilling, which I rarely say about a film that's almost entirely filmed in front of a green screen. You really will believe that warrior polar bears are fighting bureaucrats and witches and bands of gypsies at the North Pole! Can't say fairer than that, can you?

No, really, it's an excellent fantasy film. It's also the first installment of a series, which means the first half was entirely exposition. If you go, and you haven't read the books yet (like me), don't go back out for popcorn until about the 1:00 mark. Many, many questions were not answered, though. I expect the next installment will really cook.

Find your own daemon, and play around with the alethiometer on the official movie website.

Sweeneyisms

So many December movies to look forward to! I'm getting ready for Sweeney Todd. BB, Anthony and I discuss it all the time. BB likes Len Cariou, who first held the title role, because he's such a lyric baritone. I prefer George Hearn because he was so damn frightening. He played in the award-winning Showtime version of ST. Rent it from Netflix, but to be fair, wait to order it until after you see the Johnny Depp version.

No ruddy pirates here!

Random Sweeney finds around the 'nets:

ST as directed by Ivan Reitman ("Ghostbusters"). Yes, it's a parody. Yes, I wrote it. Shut up.

Two other ST parodies, each more weird than the last!

ST Featuring Bryan Adams? WTF? Surely they don't mean this Bryan Adams.

ST: The Website. Never forget. Never forgive. Never turn down your speakers.

ST movie trailer done in the style of Harry Potter. Anthony, I'll just tell you since you don't watch You Tube videos - Sirius Black finally seems evil.

Johnny Depp is reunited with his razor. Voice-wise, the jury is still out ... we may yet be sorry they didn't cast Bryan Adams.

Coming to a nose near you

BOSTON - Megan Dickerson always loved the rich colors and melodic scores of the film "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory." But she also longed to experience the sweet scents of chocolate and schnozberries. A self-proclaimed multisensory artist, Dickerson is now trying to revive "Smellovision."

"There's been a crazy response to the movement," Dickerson said. "I guess there just aren't enough opportunities for wonder out there, but there's something nostalgic about this art action that makes you feel like a kid again."

OK, may I just say, this woman is my new heroine. Follow your dream, Megan!

But Megan, if you wouldn't mind some advice ... the labels you've saddled yourself with sound hokey, and will hinder anyone in the film industry serious enough to invest (except maybe Kevin Smith). I mean, Smell-o-vision? Odorama? Girl, please.

Fake accents

Deputydog starts the trivia ball rolling with his list of 13 of the worst fake accents in movie history. It's a subjective list, and he gets a few facts wrong, but I forgive him because he nailed my personal Bad Accent Movie Trifecta: a) Kevin Costner in 'Robin Hood', b) Don Cheadle in 'Ocean's Eleven', and c) Keanu Reeves in 'Dracula'. ("Dude, I have seen Count Dracula, and he is most heinous.")

I understand why he listed Sean Connery in, well, in practically anything after the Bond movies. And someone else mentioned Michael Caine. But you've got to understand, these are two actors in a class of their own. I don't know how they gained this status, but it's true. They are not hired to play believable characters. They are hired for their box office appeal! Recognizable accents are a problem for lesser mortals. Somebody in the comments section gets it:

Saw a comedian once do a whole routine on pitching movies to Sean Connery. “Ok, it takes place aboard a submarine. Everyone is speaking Russian, except you. You’re a 12th century Scottish nobleman.”

For Bunny

HP7 Potterpuffs! And more. (Warning: spoilers.) [via Chaos Theory]

O hai

Tickets for 7:30 tonight, blogfolk. It'll be a mad crush, but we'll deal with it by having a System. I stand in line for the three of us; BB rests his knee, and then at the last minute buys all the concessions; Bunny runs between us, relaying the all-important drink orders.

(BTW, refresh this page to see the banner. Bunny yelled when she saw it. "You are crazy and obsessed!" Heh.)

You are now tuned to the Wizarding Network

What's going on this week? Hmm ... can't quite  ...

Oh, yeah, now I remember!

Okay, let's cut to the chase. All we're going to talk about today is HP5 the movie (coming out this Wednesday), and HP7 the book (due out July 21), so fair warning, all you readers of the non-obsessed variety.

Just in time: movie clips and trailers.

We were sorry to have to miss the punk band Harry and the Potters when they swung back through Sacramento this year. Generally, they only play at local libraries; unfortunately, last summer's concert was relegated to a lowly branch of the Sac Public Library. Conditions were cramped and there was no A/C. And the place was simply packed. Only the strongest among us survived that fateful day. This year, SPL relented and gave them space in the posh new main library. I hope those kids tore the house down.

Speaking of music, it's time to revisit my parody: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, sung to the tune of "Hotel California".

Here's another view

of that ridiculously flimsy-looking castle. (Click on it for a normal-sized view.)

See down below? Here come the peasants with pitchforks! Fly, Hedwig, fly! Save yourself!

Quit leaning on the Fat Lady there, Skippy

Well, I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired today - too tired to contemplate a weekend drive into the foothills, let alone a trip to Orlando - but I can't work up any excitement about a HP-themed park.

ORLANDO, Fla. -- Universal Orlando Resort is opening a Harry Potter theme park that will let fans visit many of the iconic locations in the books and movies that endeared the boy magician to millions. [...]

"The plans I've seen look incredibly exciting, and I don't think fans of the books or films will be disappointed," said author J.K. Rowling, who has been working with a creative team to make sure the park resembles the books and films.

Maybe my problem is the idea of sharing my beloved Hogwarts with a lot of sweaty tourists. Or having to endure "Diagon Alley" in 100% humidity, looking for a nice bottle of water but finding only pumpkin juice that costs $8.00 a mug. Ick.

Or maybe it's the fact that this picture of the castle looks like it sprang from the vapid imagination of Thomas Kinkade. Everyone knows Hogwarts is gloomy and forbidding from the outside. It's an f'n fortress! And a British one at that. We all know the British and their large-scale architectural sensibilities. Hogwarts was built to keep out catapult-firing Muggles during the Middle Ages, not charm them with painterly light displays!

Yo ho yo ho

Our little family did its patriotic duty this weekend ... and contributed $25 to total take of $142m that was the opening weekend for Pirates III.

We all really liked it. I recommend the movie, if you liked the first two films and you want to keep the magic going. (And by that I mean lots more Johnny Depp please) But at three hours, blogfolk, you'd better have re-e-eally liked the first two films. I didn't know I have a problem sitting motionless for that long until now!

Also tiring: the movie was about 2 1/2 hours of exposition, which served to wind up the movie like a toy in preparation for a 1/2 hour fight sequence. So be ready for many, many speeches done with heavy accents and dreadful orthodontia.

They planted a short scene at the very tail end of the credits, which paves the way for what could be a well-rounded Pirates IV. The good news is, if they do it, they probably won't have to pack it as full - we already know every character needed for three more films!

What the hell are we doing at work?

It's not only Star Wars Day ...

It's Towel Day!

[Hat tip to Chaos Theory. Now to convince my boss ...]

The Road To Tarzana

Do you feel you have a movie or theatrical script inside you, dying to get out? Well, you have eight whole days to get ready to play Script Frenzy.

Script Frenzy is an international writing event in which participants attempt the creatively daring feat of writing an original, full-length screenplay—or stage play—in a single month. Spurred by a wild deadline and buoyed by a community of countless other writers, Script Frenzy participants can't be bothered with self-doubt—or editing. They're too busy writing by the seat of their pants, typing out beautiful, flawed stories that no one else could have dreamt up.

Not to name names, but certain people here should really go for it. Nobody needs to know but you. One brain, one computer, 2-10 fingers (depending on your typing skill), and a 20,000 word script. You know you have it in you!

(And hey, if you need a little inspiration, play with the Plot Machine on the first page.)

A movie review, plus why I need to get out more

BB and Bunny and I went to see Music and Lyrics when it came out. It's basically okay, for a romantic comedy. I think it's left the theatres, but if it hasn't, I recommend you wait for video. Even then, only if you just love Hugh Grant, because he's the only thing worth watching. Hugh Grant was given the most comprehensive collection of funny lines ever attempted in a single Hugh Grant movie. I understand that during production, they had workers running tests in a laboratory 'round the clock, systematically analyzing how far they could go. The result is an envelope-pushing level of hughgrantiness you'll have to see to believe.

Otherwise? Skip it. Because the rest of the movie is dry as toast and lacking any and all believable romantic interaction. I can't even tell how it ever achieved its PG-13 rating. They must have bribed somebody at the MPAA to look the other way, during all the pathetic lack of objectionable and salacious body-rubbing scenes. Swearing? An absolute bare minimum, and delivered in a British accent so it's, y'know, bloody charming. Sex? Nothing! Just two pairs of legs sticking out from under a piano, plus one - one! - mention of the deed, spoken like they were talking about a shoe sale. PG-13. I ask you.

So here's why things are getting weird for me, and why I'd like to just graduate sometime this year so I can return to normal. During the movie, Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore are sitting in a restaurant with another couple. And the woman they're with is about to launch into a story about how she's a doctor at Columbia, and she just wrote a research paper on ...

Suddenly! Oh no! Drew Barrymore sees someone she's been avoiding throughout the movie! Does she discreetly cover her face with her menu like you and I would? No, she inexplicably jumps up and runs around the restaurant. Then Hugh jumps up and chases her around the restaurant. Hilarity ensues. The audience is laughing. And I'm the only one sitting there thinking, Shit, now we'll never hear about the research paper! 

Movie Nite with the Beans

I forgot to mention, New Year's Eve was great. We three went out and saw Night at the Museum. Great fun. Lots of laugh out loud moments. And it fulfilled a major fantasy of mine, to see Ben Stiller stuck with pins museum exhibits come to life.

These feature film writers? They have the family movie genre down, no question. This movie had absolutely no swearing, no blood, and no sex. Not even a kiss! Even the ex-spouses got along better than most married people I know. But on the good side, without the usual move to gratuitously hook up the major male and female characters at the end of the movie, the interpersonal relationships seemed more dignified, somehow. Plus, there was Mickey Rooney, who was drop-dead funny. Three thumbs-up!

Fire up the iron horse, boys

Okay, this looks freakin' awesome: Night at the Museum.

I love December at the movies. Everybody puts out their best stuff this time of year for the chance at a Golden Globe or an Oscar. Or at least to attract the big-big-big holiday crowds.

The Departed

In other news, the kid was invited to a sleepover Saturday night, so BB and I did what any two normal, healthy adults in a committed relationship would do ... ran out and saw an R-rated movie. Namely, The Departed.

I must say, if you have the stomach for three hours of gunshots to the head, I recommend this movie. It's some excellent film work. Suspenseful. Well paced. Very well acted - I didn't know Leo was even in this league. Pretty heavy on the music, though. Scorcese telegraphs upcoming violence by turning up the volume on whatever Rolling Stones tune happens to be playing throughout.

Sound advice

This is from the awesome marquee for Snakes on a Plane. See Chaos Theory for the rest.

Animals 1; SUVs 0

Saw Over The Hedge yesterday, like the good Robot Army conscript that I am! It was really cute and had some classic cartoony moments, done in that great DreamWorks style. Stuff like, the skunk gets dressed up like a cat - a move that hearkens back to the old Pepe Le Pew cartoons, though in the reverse.

There were many opportunities for searing social commentary about the overprivileged, complacent lifestyle of the suburbanite, and this movie took every one that came along. We did not come out looking well. Ben Folds did all the music, which was a happy surprise, including a G-rated version of "Rockin' The Suburbs" for the credits. Fine family fare!

The Sacto newspaper used to carry the comic strip, but I could not get into it - the illustrator drew more details into his panels than could be easily viewed when the strip was subsequently shrunk down to its printed size. A shame, because if the movie is any reflection, it could be a very good strip. I think I'll link it over in the Water Cooler for a while.

Love them blue mutants

The plotline of X-Men 3 looks exactly like the one in the first and second X-Men movies - "Waah, waah, humans hate us mutants - should we fight 'em, or should we wallow in angst?"

(Which, to be fair, was also the main plotline of the comic for many years, in between the X-Men kicking the butts of evil mutants and interdimensional space aliens. Even so. It gets old in movie form.)

But here's the reason I'll probably break down and see the third installment in the theatre: Kelsey Grammar as my favorite mutant, Beast. Very cool!

Later: Well, this settles it: The Innocent Bystander thought X-Men 3 was better than the first two.