beancounters

The cello: suffering for your art

The Cello Man
Originally uploaded by Partizan92

Sometimes blog fodder just falls from the sky.

LONDON, England (CNN) -- A medical ailment that has worried male members of string sections across the music world for over 30 years has been exposed as a hoax.

This ailment has been known about for 30 years? I'd never even heard of it. And male cellists of my acquaintence never mentioned - er, problems, so I had no way of knowing there might be something abrasive about playing cello.

Male cellists of the world can breathe easy again.

A senior British lawmaker confessed to making up the condition known as "cello scrotum" -- which relates to chafing from the instrument -- after reading about another musically-related ailment called "guitarist's nipple" in the British Medical Journal in 1974.

Oh, okay, it's a hoax. What cracks me up is a medical study that went unchallenged for 30 years. I mean, doctor bad! very bad! But part of me is snickering.

Serving God notice

State Senator Ernie Chambers is our new Avatar of Eris.

Lincoln, Neb. (AP) -- A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator's lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn't properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Sen. Ernie Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

He said God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

Fair enough. But what made him decide to bring a suit now?

Chambers has said he filed the lawsuit to make the point that everyone should have access to the courts regardless of whether they are rich or poor.

Sure, that's a lucid-sounding reason for filing the lawsuit. But I don't buy it, based on his next remarks.

Chambers, who graduated from law school but never took the bar exam, thinks he's found a hole in the judge's ruling.

"The court itself acknowledges the existence of God," Chambers said Wednesday. "A consequence of that acknowledgment is a recognition of God's omniscience."

Therefore, Chambers said, "Since God knows everything, God has notice of this lawsuit."

Brilliant logic! But if he really wants to serve God notice, I'd like to advise him the old ways are still the best ways.

All your goddess are

This timeline of internet memes will let you chart the evolution of some of your favorite web jokes. [via Pops] Use the zoom to get a high-level view, or to really drill down and get nostalgic.

I appreciated that somebody even included some references to Discordianism. Here's the best (1958): Malaclypse the Younger conspires with other Ur-Discordians to form the Discordian Society. No-one stops them.

Though Principia Discordia wasn't originally posted on an internet, its authors did mimeograph the living hell out of the original pages and fling those pages far and wide, to readers who did the same in their turn. Isn't that what you'd call an analog meme?

Obay! Etc.

Somebody created what seem like anti-pharma ads and had them placed at bus stops in Toronto. Are they guerilla ninja discordian graphic art students who are bad spellers with lots of allowance to spare? The good citizens would like to know.

For sale: Free lies

I may be the last one to have heard of Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia anyone can edit, but no matter. Time is an illusion. I'm sure I have written some choice mendacities content around here which I can contribute.

I Think Satan Likes Your Mom (Anthony, BB and I loved an old TV Guide commercial featuring a mock heavy-metal band called S.K.U.M. These guys remind me of them - except for the front man being Dubya an' everything.)

How to make a sci-fi movie (no doubt inspired by every Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie produced in the 90's)

Screeching weasel (especially like the portrait)

Coming to a nose near you

BOSTON - Megan Dickerson always loved the rich colors and melodic scores of the film "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory." But she also longed to experience the sweet scents of chocolate and schnozberries. A self-proclaimed multisensory artist, Dickerson is now trying to revive "Smellovision."

"There's been a crazy response to the movement," Dickerson said. "I guess there just aren't enough opportunities for wonder out there, but there's something nostalgic about this art action that makes you feel like a kid again."

OK, may I just say, this woman is my new heroine. Follow your dream, Megan!

But Megan, if you wouldn't mind some advice ... the labels you've saddled yourself with sound hokey, and will hinder anyone in the film industry serious enough to invest (except maybe Kevin Smith). I mean, Smell-o-vision? Odorama? Girl, please.

Best Engrish spam of the week

" shall consult you to the friends. I wish your of good luck. Thanks." - Cadellatorya

So eloquent! Brought a tear to my eye. Almost willing to overlook the fact she's selling stolen vehicles and she spammed my blog over a dozen times this week.

Circle Vision

Circle Vision Mickey Mouse
Originally uploaded by beancounter.

I don't know what to make of the Archives Museum here in Sacto. They have all this blank space in the foyer, it stands empty for months, and then what do they do with it? Put up random items like this, with no rhyme or reason, no explanation at all. Someone is clearly being influenced by the Goddess of Chaos. And not in a good way.

Gripe, gripe, gripe. Anyway, please gather your things and proceed to the Flickr page to see the rest of the mice. I don't know. They're starting to grow on me!

So long, Bob

Robert Anton Wilson died yesterday, after a long illness. As author of the Illuminatus! trilogy, Cosmic Trigger, and Masks of the Illuminati, his creativity and his irreverent outlook on politics had a tremendous influence on me. Be sure and read R.U. Sirius's tribute today, as it says what I wish I could.

On his blog, Bob's care-givers wrote this final entry:

Robert Anton Wilson Defies Medical Experts and leaves his body @4:50 AM on binary date 01/11.

All Hail Eris!

On behalf of his children and those who cared for him, deepest love and gratitude for the tremendous support and lovingness bestowed upon us.

But this is what Bob had to say previously:

Wavy Gravy once asked a Zen Roshi, "What happens after death?"
The Roshi replied, "I don't know."
Wavy protested, "But you're a Zen Master!"
"Yes," the Roshi admitted, "but I'm not a dead Zen Master."

The POPE's bridge

HUNTINGTON, W.Va. - His intentions may have been good, but 26-year-old Jason Sansom probably should have asked for permission before painting a Huntington bridge pink. Sansom says he was walking by the bridge over Fourpole Creek in Ritter Park last weekend when he noticed it needed a paint job.

He decided then and there that he wanted to do something to help clean up the city, so he bought $50 worth of paint and went to work painting it pink in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Breast cancer awareness? Riiiight. Wink-wink.

It's so obvious. A guy who just pulls an idea out of thin air, and goes to all the trouble to slap paint on a public work without permission - pink paint! Not even matching paint! - is a full-tilt ==POPE==, with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto.

One thing puzzles me. Why didn't he explain to the authorities his Infallable Nature at the Scene of the Revelation? Maybe he doesn't know he's an instrument of the Goddess. Maybe he's what Kerry Thornley called an avatar - someone who successfully rearranges society's furniture a little, but doesn't know he's actually part of a larger picture of chaos.

Blogfolk, our mission is clear. We need to make sure that kid gets hip to the Goddess before She manifests again and gets his ass thrown in jail. Quick - which of you lives closest to Huntington? I will email you some literature to take to him.

Hail Eris!

LOS ANGELES (AP)—A distant, icy rock whose discovery shook up the solar system and led to Pluto's planetary demise has been given a name: Eris.

Well, fax me a beer. What a kick! As most of you know, this is my favorite goddess. This is THE Goddess, depending on your personal pantheism.

Unlike some, I don't think this naming heralds trouble. I mean, it's not like we accidentally visited the Brunswick Shrine or anything. Now that would be cateclysmic ...

If I ever seriously want to travel

I will ask a rubber duck if I can tag along on a trip. Obviously, some of them are loaded.

"Excuse me - any of you heading for Europe?"

Sage advice

If I were you, I would not make a move today without consulting The Don't Guide. Unlike other horoscopes, this one is absolutely true fnord.

Cancer: Chose vegetarian friends, and agree with everything that anyone tells you until further notice. Try learning things on Monday.

Who needs the BoBs?

"I gotcher 'blog theme' right here, boy."

Jo awards her own, er, awards, which are way better because they come from a friend, not a popularity contest. Someone who reads the person, and does not take off points just because a writer does not rigidly stick to her "blog theme". Hence, Beancounters has earned the coveted Spanglemonkey Velvet Ironspiked Conundrum of Social Justice 2005 Award!

No, I'm not exactly sure what it means, either. As I understand, Jose Cuervo was on the panel of judges. But whatever! All the better! Thank you, Sister Gatling Gun of Universal Acceptance!

A poem lovely as a search engine

Comes now the Google Poem Generator. You can program it to automatically write a poem using the famous search engine - any structure you like, and any key word you like. So without further ado ... a sestina about sestinas.

Come with silver money, clutching
Sestina Network provides fee-only
The structure leaves the rhymed
In the English building. They come
Home Delivery · Prime Wine
Final three-line envoi. - By

Envoy. - Advice by
Come with silver money, clutching
Music! Bah! there's no wine
E. Sestina And Company of Fee-Only
Ad esempio, una sestina come
Each verse Quatrains rhymed

Swinburne's Rhymed
From a course taught by
Doesn't matter how we come
Sonically: unfunny/phone; clutching
Acclaimed "father of fee-only
Music! Bah! there's no wine

Music! Bah! there's no wine
Have also written rhymed
The Sestina Network of Fee-Only
Comment so far. - By
Same garden timidly clutching
While we will probably come

Alighieri - Sestina. I have come
Music! Bah! there's no wine
The unconscious, clutching
There's the French rhymed
Website. - By
John E. Sestina, a fee-only

Stale; To be sure your fee-only
Go Zel, I come
Independent - Sestina by
Music! Bah! there's no wine
Sestina, villanelle, rhymed
Away for publication clutching

Come with silver money, clutching
Have also written rhymed
Music! Bah! there's no wine

Uh, yeah.

For some inexplicable reason, in the last few days I've suddenly gotten interested in the sestina. (I blame McSweeney's.) I've been trying to write my first, torturing BB and Anthony along the way. So far, it doesn't scan this nearly well, but it makes a darn sight more sense than saying Bah! there's no wine a bunch of times. I guess you get a trade-off when humans write poetry vs. machine.

Mine is about George Lucas. No, really.

Bah! There's no wine!

The Great Icon Prank

It's Saturday, so you have plenty of time to read the saga of Cockeyed.com's great icon prank. It involves three large golden sculptures on a sign here at Sacto's own Downtown Plaza - whenever they went missing, Cockeyed struck, creating and hanging hilarious-looking replacements that went undetected ...

All hail the Mad Scientist

Look who I found. This guy says he's "cooler than those lame blog people." In my opinion, the can of Spam 'round his neck belies that claim, but on the good side, he did establish Discordianism as the primary religion of his Republic, so he's gotta have some redeeming characteristics a sense of humor.

When he sees this link in his stats, will he visit this blog and leave a comment? Or is he too cool? I'll never figure out the complicated snobbery of the 'Sphere.

Prosthetyzing: an agnostic's toolbox

It's a cold world out here. Be prepared.

*  Bible warning label [via Grow-a-Brain]

*  How to prove that your own God exists: the semi-serious way, and

*  the completely serious Erisian way.

*  Where to have the good buttons made. (My favorites so far are, "You're here to save my soul? I'm here to test your faith." and "Cats are taoists. They know the way and are always in it.")

Give the people what they (don't know they) want (yet)

Conceived of five years ago, Operation Droplift. It was the opposite of shoplifting: people would take this home-burned CD of independent music and drop it into record store bins all over America.

Kind of a mad constructive way to get your name/music out there, but what if the record store charged its customers for the disk and made a 100% profit? Some record stores, I wouldn't mind giving a small windfall like that; others definitely don't deserve that kind of good energy. Still, cool idea.

Strange Ball

Tvindy says this giant ball appeared on his campus, and then disappeared a few days later. No explanation.

Stealth art?