beancounters

Free reads

A novel written by Robert Shea (co-writer of the Illuminatus! trilogy) has been posted on his website under a Creative Commons license. It's his son's idea; he wants to share his father's works with the world, royalty-free. Isn't that refreshing?

Attention, polar bears

Want to swim with humans for fun and profit?

Head for Ontario and volunteer at the Polar Bear Habitat! [via Daisy]

Turnabout

All three of us managed to stagger out of bed today and attend to our respectives. Was especially proud of BB, as he got hit with this thing the hardest. Or maybe it was really me. No, you know what? I'm gonna say it was me this time.

This morning, my boss stopped at my office door, and gave me that look - the look that all managers learn to paste onto their faces when they see a sick employee has finally returned to the fold. It's a veneer of sympathy, layered over the actual worry that the li'l sickie has fallen hopelessly behind on all assignments and will never, never catch up.

For my part, whenever I have been out sick from work, and my manager greets me with that look, I know I have one of two choices. If it happens my assignments are in good shape, I talk with quiet good cheer about how energetic I feel, how the deep, booming cough is nearly gone now, and how things will soon be well in hand. But if I'm not sure where I left my tasks before I got sick, I move more slowly and croak a lot when I talk. And if anyone is so tactless as to broach the subject of completing an assignment, I glance balefully at a calendar rather than my watch.

Some call it subterfuge. Others call it survival. Wouldn't it be dreadful if I ever decided to become a manager myself? Having practiced all types of passive resistance, it would kill me to have them practiced upon me.

Relapse

Took to my bed again Sunday, just like one of those Victorian women with the vapours. It feels like I've come down with this cold all over again ... like I never began to recover at all. Damn!

Bunny's claiming many of the same symptoms. I woke her up for school, but it was no use; she's back in bed now. BB woke up at 4 and couldn't get back to sleep, but he forced himself to go back to work, as he had taken all last week off.

This cold is just kicking our butts. Anthony may be right - when he called us this weekend, he pointed out that our house has undoubtedly become a big Petri dish (or something). We honestly tried to disinfect surfaces on Sunday. But there are so many. Think about it.

Passing it on

That trip to my mother's house has been canceled because ... she just came down with a cold.

Mom: I don't know how I could have gotten it, or where.
Me: Oh, no! Maybe you got it from my blog.
Mom: Hmm. It does seem every blog I've read this week has been coughing and sneezing.

So there you are. My mother has a cold, and we are all to blame. I hope you're pleased with yourselves. Next time, wash your hands before you type. Have a care for your readers.

Anyway, on with this week's installment of It's Saturday ...

Dog gets dyed blue by insane Giants fan

MJD: Good morning, sir. I couldn't help but notice you're blue.

Blue Dog: You're a sharp one.

MJD: It doesn't sound like you're happy about this.

Blue Dog: Ya think so, pal? How would you like it if you woke up tomorrow morning and you were blue from head to toe? Come on, buddy.

The dog who gets high on toads. No, really.

Intellectual dog fight (via Grow-a-Brain)

I'm going back to bed. Still not all the way well. Note to Mom: buy lots of Kleenex.

Got time? Not for long

Karen says she is currently addicted to the game Bricks Breaking, so she felt she had to bring us all into the madness. If you like this sort of game, Neopets carries a game just like it called Destruct-o-Match. Choose from Normal or "Extreme" ...

Which Microsoft Office application are you? No surprise here ...

MS: Congratulations! You are Word 2007!
Me: You mean, it's impossible to learn how to work with me?
MS: Er, no ...
Me: I make people long for simpler times?
MS: Um ...
Me: I am able to make even the simplest of transactions gratuitously difficult?
MS: Never mind!

One word: HEMA.

The mashup of human and record album has a name now: Sleeveface. See the slideshow. Hey, Mom, guess what you and Bunny and I are doing tomorrow. Yes! Going through your records and making Sleevefaces. Get ready!

Cyber lists

Check this out. With StuffSafe, you can create and maintain an online inventory of your home's assets, for insurance purposes.

Hmm. One could also create such an inventory on Google Spreadsheet, and cut out the middle man. It'd be smart to keep this list in cyberspace, in case your home computers are stolen or otherwise rendered unusable.

Dare on deconstruction

Your morning meditation:

Critics are lambasting the film for using imagery right out of 9/11, buildings falling down in New York City, without actually making any sort of comment on the event itself, but they don't seem to get the concept of deconstruction. It's exactly like 9/11. The terrorist is a monster that is never explained, the official story is certainly a sham, we'll never know what really happened because all we've got are video remnants picked up by future archaeologists who have to piece together the event through the eyes of observers with something else on their mind. And it will certainly be used as an excuse to start a "war on monsters" in Cloverfield II.

Still sick as dawgs

Yesterday (Tuesday), we should have returned to school and work, but no luck.

Nothing to report on the Bad Movie front, except we're still quite split on our opinions of HP and the Order of the Phoenix. BB says it's a movie that improves with viewing. Bunny likes it, but refuses to elaborate. I say it's a total snooze-fest. They tried for suspense, but they stretched scenes way past the point of credulity and into the realm of the ridiculous. Bad directing, bad script.

If this family were judges on that singing show, BB would be Paula because he sees the good in everybody. Bunny would be Randy, and I would be Simon. I'm just being honest.

So, it looks like one more day at home. Bunny has escaped to school, but BB's still running a fever and such. And my early morning trip to the physical therapist's and to the pharmacy absolutely wiped me out.

Now BB is watching "Celebrity Secrets" on E Television, on purpose, and I'm sitting here seriously comparing my family to American Idol judges.

It may be too late for us. Save yourselves!

Doors too heavy. Bring soup.

Ugh. All three of us have terrible colds today.

You know it's going to be a long day when you shuffle to the front door, look through the peephole, see the newspaper far, far away, on the wet sidewalk, and decide you didn't really need to know what was going on today, anyway.

Maybe the left-out newspaper will serve as a signal to our neighbors.

Would like to have live-blogged our morning. We sat around and let Bruce Almighty fall into our blameless, open eyes. It was a movie I'd previously boycotted because Jim Carrey makes me nervous. But somebody had control of the remote, and there was a chihuahua on my lap, so, you know. I was trapped.

And I'm so sick, that stupid movie made me cry. I'm agnostic, you know; religious-themed movies don't do anything for me. It must have been Morgan Freeman. Yeah, that's what did it. That man is a consummate actor.

BB told me, "The theme of the movie was, Mankind is too busy looking "up" for help, when they should really look around and help each other. That's your philosophy, too. That's why you cried."

Could be. But how does that explain me crying over the end of the next movie of the morning,  The Pacifier? The central theme of that movie was Beware of Ninjas Hired By Russians. Everybody knows I am strictly Ninja-neutral.

R.O.U.S.'s did exist

I'm here to complain that this headline sucks.

One Ton Rodent Found in Uruguay

It would have been nice if they'd mentioned in the headline that it was a dead rodent. Or a four million year old rodent. Or a palentologist's find. Anything like that! Because every time my eye landed on the phrase "One ton rodent found in Uruguay", I would panic for a second and begin to wonder how far Uruguay is from Sacramento.

Me, either

I'm not a clown. Only little people are clowns.

LONDON (Reuters) The news that will no doubt have clowns shedding tears was revealed in a poll of youngsters by researchers from the University of Sheffield.

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

Hmm.

Labelled The Queen of Mean. Took her make-up to Bozoesque levels. There might be something to this study. I'm just sayin'.

What is this Earth "tact"?

My boss: If you're not too busy today, could you go to the Capitol and attend a committee hearing?

Me: Sure. (Road trip!)

My boss: This bill is being read, and if it passes, our agency will have a mandate. I want someone to be there to tell them the usual thing.

Me: What's the usual thing? Would that be "No way, Jose"?

My boss: What?

Me: "Hit the road, Jack"? "Talk to the hand"?

My boss: No ...

Me: "Show me the money"?

My boss: On second thought, you look way too busy.

Now I'm sort of hungry

In the grand tradition of LOLZ ... [via Maya]

Here's what you do: Chant OM NOM NOM NOM. Keep clicking on the center picture. Let your mind wander to your own stash of digital photos. Contemplate your own prodigious skills at putting eyes and mouths on stuff using MS Paint. Plan to contribute an entry to this website.

Now you are one with the cosmic forces that keep the internet free and zany. Namaste!

Dogs get equal time

now that there's an official LOLDog site called I Has A Hotdog. (Click the picture to biggify.)

Still waiting for a site devoted to LOLStatues, though. I'll submit my own entry:

Via Bunny Express

Oh, brothel

WARSAW (Reuters) - A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

This cracked me up. I'm sure the wife's half of the conversation was something along the lines of, 'Hey, if you're so against prostitution, what exactly are you doing here?'

If this couple lived in America, Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer would already be in a bidding war. What a waste!

Top four reasons why that guy should be happy his wife works in a brothel instead of a store:

4) Saving on shoe leather

3) Much more interesting gossip

2) Better tips

1) No union dues!

For sale: Free lies

I may be the last one to have heard of Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia anyone can edit, but no matter. Time is an illusion. I'm sure I have written some choice mendacities content around here which I can contribute.

I Think Satan Likes Your Mom (Anthony, BB and I loved an old TV Guide commercial featuring a mock heavy-metal band called S.K.U.M. These guys remind me of them - except for the front man being Dubya an' everything.)

How to make a sci-fi movie (no doubt inspired by every Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie produced in the 90's)

Screeching weasel (especially like the portrait)

For BB

Hoffmania gives an everyman's critique of the acoustics in the new Disney Concert Hall. Intriguing!

What's your TV theme song score?

Baby boomers and Gen Xers, this quiz is for you. How many of these TV theme songs can you remember? Me, I got a perfect ten, plus a major dose of deja vu. Gotta stand up and walk it off. [via Nag]