beancounters

I can has resolutions, please?

New Year's Resolutions for the Cat (Written by the Dog)

• I will not play Thundering Buffalo Stampeding across the Great Plains while humans and dogs are sleeping on the bed.

• I will patiently allow the dogs to sniff my mouth and nether regions when I return to the yard to bring them the news from the neighborhood.

• I will not weave around feet in the hallway or on the steps even though it does cause some excitement.

• When launching myself from the bed to the window or dresser, I must not use humans or dogs as a launching pad. The same is true of a landing pad.

Read the rest here. Good on ya, Mom!

The rest of the record's story

Check this funny meme - vinyl sleeve heads. Some people went to a lot of trouble to match the clothes and background of the album covers. We ought to go through BB's and my old records and try this.

How about you? Do you even own vinyl albums (any more)? Lay it on us, man. Let it all hang out.

Golden Compass

We saw Golden Compass on Christmas day. It was thrilling, which I rarely say about a film that's almost entirely filmed in front of a green screen. You really will believe that warrior polar bears are fighting bureaucrats and witches and bands of gypsies at the North Pole! Can't say fairer than that, can you?

No, really, it's an excellent fantasy film. It's also the first installment of a series, which means the first half was entirely exposition. If you go, and you haven't read the books yet (like me), don't go back out for popcorn until about the 1:00 mark. Many, many questions were not answered, though. I expect the next installment will really cook.

Find your own daemon, and play around with the alethiometer on the official movie website.

Frozen shoulder

This is interesting. Somebody at work told me about this syndrome last week. My shoulder has been getting steadily more stiff and hard to use. This description fits my symptoms better than my own best guess ("Tendinitis.") and my doctor's professional diagnosis ("WTF?"). Incidentally, I've been visiting a physical therapist, and the stretching exercises help a little.

At work, I successfully switched to using the mouse left-handed. It's still slow going but I don't make many mistakes anymore, like accidentally highlighting and deleting whole swaths of text. (Thank goodness for the Undo key.)

Merry Christmas

Hope you have a wonderful day of fellowship with family and friends, whether you do the traditional celebrating or you just enjoy the quiet city streets together. And remember ...

Happy Christmas, peasants!

For my mother, who feels that America made a big mistake in kicking out the Brits back in 1776, I give you Queen Elizabeth in her first televised Christmas address to the people, 1957.

Isn't she a dish? Ahem! Terribly sorry. Not that one expresses one's admiration of British royalty in such familiar terms.

I love how she informs us she's inviting us into her home for a few casual minutes, then proceeds to give the most stilted speech I've ever heard. More speeches and historical video footage may be found on the new Royal Channel. [via Neatorama]

Fahrenheit 404

It's Saturday, and if you're like me, you could use a comic strip that's not sugar-sweet and Christmas-y right about now. Try this. And this. [via]
 

Me, I'm going to drag my sorry butt out of the house this morning and see what's cookin' at B&N.

Cash Cab

Bunny and I watched a cool game show today. Do you watch game shows on television these days? They make me so impatient. They're all ultra-dramatic, with the suspenseful music and the lights and the sweating and the monologuing by worried contestants. But this one is great - the contestants get into a NYC cab, and boom! They find out they are actually riding in The Cash Cab. And they answer trivia questions for the whole ride. If they answer every question, they make it to their destination, get paid in cash and get a free cab ride (which seems to thrill the New Yorkers as much as winning money). But if they get three strikes, they get have to get out of the cab immediately. It's totally great, and moves fast.

Here's the online version of the Cash Cab game. So far, I've only ridden about 25 blocks before being brutally ejected and then virtually mugged by Cash Cab TV execs. Maybe when I'm healthy I'll do better. Naah, who am I kidding? I think we all know how bad I am at these things.

The ungiftables

I have a cold. Rats. I'm home today, and Bunny is about to make me tea. I don't even want to drive this weekend, let alone shop. Maybe for Christmas I'll give everybody stuff that's lying around my house. What's the worst that can happen?

Christmas down under

I don't remember this very often, but in point of fact, Aussies celebrate Christmas during the heat of summer. And according to the old song Six White Boomers, Santa doesn't use reindeer to pull his sleigh in Australia because they can't stand the heat. He uses six old kangaroos instead. Of course! (No word on PETA's stand on this potentially controversial issue, but we can just imagine.) [via Boot]

Ich bin Weinachten

Every year, I attempt to capture two impossible sights on my camera - 4th of July fireworks, and the Christmas tree.

Here is this season's attempt. Do not adjust your monitor!

Beetle the Bard purchased by Amazon

Hmm. That was entirely too neat and tidy. How long before Amazon.com gets the Royal Permission to publish distribute it? Place your bets in the comments section ...

We're incredibly excited to announce that Amazon has purchased J.K. Rowling’s The Tales of Beedle the Bard at an auction held by Sotheby’s in London. The book of five wizarding fairy tales, referenced in the last book of the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, is one of only seven handmade copies in existence. [...] Enjoy these first images of the book. We'll be adding reviews of each of the fairy tales as we can get them up in the coming hours (if you want to be sure of a link that will permanently work, use www.amazon.com/beedlebard).

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just kind of bitter because my own copy of Beedle seems to have gotten lost in the mail ...

Could have been worse - could've been a Seinfeld episode

Your Christmas is Most Like: A Christmas Story

Loving, fun, and totally crazy. Don't shoot your eye out!

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

Cards for the rest of us

Cara Scissoria - when you care enough to send the very weird. It's a little late to order Xmas cards, but hey, their wider selection is timeless. [via]

Simply cluttered

I borrowed someone's copy of Real Simple magazine. Have you seen one? It's quite an enterprise. I'm not clear how spending $3000 on a armoire that doubles as a computer station makes your life "real simple", especially when the credit card bill comes due, but I suppose if you're in the market for a computer desk you appreciate their having looked into the matter for you. Aaah. Once I internalized that particular piece of cognitive dissonance, I liked the magazine a whole lot better.

Anyway, about desks. There's a big article here recommending ways (and merchandise) to keep your desk tidy, uncluttered, and real simple. The magazine quoted this guy Harold Geneen to prove its point. Harold Geneen said, "You can know a person by the kind of desk he keeps."

Well, gee, that's cryptic. I wanted to know exactly what he meant by this, so I looked him up. And lo, it turns out he wasn't quiiite as impressed with tidiness as Real Simple would have you believe. The full quote is,

"You can know a person by the kind of desk he keeps. If the president of a company has a clean desk then it must be the executive vice president who is doing all the work."

I love it. Here's what else Harold Geneen has to say on tidiness. You'll never feel guilty about your messy desk again.

"If your desk isn't cluttered, you probably aren't doing your job."

“When I come upon a man who has a gleaming, empty, clear desktop, I am dealing with a fellow who is so far removed from the realities of his business that someone else is running it for him.”

Outing inanimate objects

Y'know, I always had a feeling about these things ...

Too long have closeted gay and lesbian inanimate objects denied their comrades the political clout and voice they need. In the interest of creating a fair forum through which all inanimate objects, gay and straight, can participate, we release this list which outs known gay inanimate objects. We apologize to the friends and family their unnecessary lies have hurt.

Diving Board
For all its seeming rigidity and straight posturing, the diving board is a bouncy, flouncy plank of powder blue that can barely hold on to its hinges when some beefcake in a Speedo takes a leap on it.

French Horn
The Kevin Spacey of the brass section, it has never claimed to be straight, and the orchestral maneuvers in the dark this horn-dog prefers are instrument-on-instrument. “As gay as a French Horn” is in use as the result of its prodigious exploits, though it is not as flamboyant as the mellophone.

More here!

Slumber and Tahoe

Today I began compiling photos of people, boats, and scenery for the annual Tahoe calendar - the Christmas gift to the in-laws that has become a family tradition.

This year, controversy swirled early in the design phase when I showed my daughter a photo that had been taken of her napping peacefully on the couch at the cabin. "You aren't going to include that one, of course," she said in the manner of someone reassuring herself that the world had not, in fact, gone mad.

"Well, I was thinking about it," I answered.

But she sensed weakness in my tone, and grew very assertive. "No. You won't. It'd be embarrassing."

Yikes! The worst. Yeah. I was a pre-teen once, and my own nuclear family still bears the scars. I didn't even try and tease her. I caved. And just to prove my cowardice integrity, I won't blog her picture either. Except in spirit.

Simply having a de-lovely Christmastime

This season, I'm not as freaked out by Christmas's speedy approach as I have been (and you have seen me be) in past years. In fact, I'm downright sanguine. (Lookit. That word floated to the top of my consciousness just for this occasion. Sanguine. Hmm.)

Maybe it's because I know better than ever just how much effort is really needed for a meaningful holiday with one's family. It's a damn sight lower level than TV would have you believe.

For instance, there's a commercial airing quite a bit lately. Slightly surreal. It features a maniacally grinning, waif-thin woman, and she's hosting some sort of party, and she's wearing ice skates as she glides effortlessly from the buffet to the kitchen to the front door, while Cole Porter plays.

And I'm all like, now I need to freeze a layer of water on the floor of my house to have a good party? And don't get me started on the Porter.

Yeah, I know it's all a visual allegory for the amazing feats a woman can accomplish just by shopping at the right store. But overall, I could relate better to an ad that goes like this:

[Song:  The night is young, the skies are clear/And if you want to go walkin' dear/It's delightful, it's delicious/it's de-lovely ...]

A maniacally grinning, waif-thin woman systematically searches through her house. She glides on skates from the office to the kitchen to the mud room. Every item she picks up - masking tape roll, band-aid box, glue gun, chewing gum wrapper - is empty. Finally, she draws a deep breath, lifts her beautiful face and screams to the very heavens:

"WE NEED MORE TAAAAPE!"

[It's dilemma, it's de limit, it's deluxe, it's de-lovely!]

Chasing Daisy brings teh funny

She rarely posts, but we keep in touch via del.icio.us.

A random collection of funny photos - some are, well, less tasteful than others, but when you see this guy has posted freakin' JABBA THE KITTY, you know you'd better check around for other good stuff.

Elf Name Generator

The Daily Coyote

Too bad there's no time for a proper edit on closed-captioned TV news.

The worst Christmas present ever.

Not sharin' the window

I'm at work, and it's raining outside. I get to watch the weather from MY OWN WINDOW BABY YEAH.

My boss recently offered me a bigger office, but it has no window so I turned him down. I accused him of wanting to give the window to a more popular employee. He told me I was weird for preferring such a tiny, claustrophia-inducing office. It was not pretty.

I would show you the view from my office, but then the Sacbee Blog Watch columnist would publish this post along with the picture in our local newspaper, and everyone in the downtown would pinpoint precisely where Beancounter works, and then I'd get infamous, and I'd have to go into the director's office and explain why I had been harboring a secret blog. She loves blogs, so the problem would actually be that I held out on her all these months. Heh.