beancounters

Monday: Cranky and crampy

Ugh. Middle age is kicking my ass. How can it be that I wake up more sore and cramped than when I went to bed? Crikey! That's all wrong!

The only thing that made me feel more limber this morning was exercise - specifically, the ten-block walk between the my new parking lot and my office. So I'd better walk some more at lunch.

This morning, Bunny hugged me very hard and told me she worries about me because I'm cranky all the time. I wanted to reply, 'Cranky all the time? Do you really mean all? The? Time?' Except, of course, that would have instantly proven her right, and it would have been the height of irony, and our ears would have spontaneously jumped right off our heads in disbelief.

Rabbit-ears find a new generation

For BB ...

[S]ome consumers are spending thousands of dollars on LCD or plasma TVs and hooking them up to $50 antennas that don't look much different from what grandpa had on top of his black-and-white picture tube.

They're not doing it for the nostalgia.

Local TV channels, broadcast in HD over-the-air, offer superior picture quality over the often-compressed signals sent by cable and satellite TV companies.

And the best part? Over-the-air HD is free.

I offered to climb on the roof and dismantle our ancient antenna, a relic from bygone days (and it looks it). BB said if I do, he might just have me replace it with another one. I didn't understand until I read this. Everything old is new again ...

3-D art on the sidewalk

It's Saturday, so you have four or five minutes to admire this time-lapse video of Julien Beever, 'The Pavement Picasso', at work. Notice how the picture is actually very elongated? Yet, when it's viewed from the bottom, the picture looks normal. Sort of like the way the letters on your street say "Stop Ahead" when you're in your car, but when you're on foot looking at them, they look ridiculously out of proportion. I'd love to learn this technique. (Yeah, yeah, so would we all!) Here are a few more photos, from different angles.

Pineapple, goldfish ponds ... TIKI

I swear, once school is over and my sense of humor is no longer a danger to others, Anthony and I will create some parody religious tracts and get them ready for net-wide distribution. The day is coming! Until then, we'll have to be content with other people's works of genius.

The mighty blogger Humuhumu has posted a reprint of a  tract called simply Tiki, in the hope that some of us will see the Light, and not be tempted by Satan into the pagan world of fruity drinks and temperate zones.

Catch a cloud and pin it down

Very good stuff over at McSweeney's this week. My favorite: AN UPDATE ON THE PROBLEM OF MARIA

FROM: The Reverend Mother
TO: The Nuns

My Sisters,

As you know, our little convent has been plagued in recent months by "the Maria problem." I must say, in all my years serving the Lord, this is the greatest challenge I have ever faced. It is like trying to hold a moonbeam in your hand.

Nuns have described Maria as "a headache," "a demon," and "capable of outpestering any pest." Yet, when I put out a box to collect anonymous Maria-related complaints, many of them seemed relatively minor:

• "She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee." We are not Franciscans, but surely we can agree that a youthful heart often expresses its love of the Almighty through delight in nature. Besides, it's spring; it's like the hills are alive!
• "She's always late for everything except for every meal." As a novice, Maria may simply be unaccustomed to the regimented life the convent demands. By the way, the implication that she is fat is simply uncalled for.
• "Underneath her wimple she has curlers in her hair." Sisters, we all know that Maria sports a rather unflattering pageboy bob, with nothing resembling a curl upon her head. Whoever submitted this slander must search her soul.

Be sure and read the rest.

Retractions

The Management of this blog wishes to make the following retractions.

1) Yesterday the Management's new house color was rather negatively described as "Poupon-colored beige". Actually, the color is a nice sort of sand color, which is very 'in' this year. Further, Management remembers perfectly well that they selected this color on purpose, and not because it "sucked less than any other".

2) Management's neighbor Bill is a caring, thoughtful man who, though sometimes guilty of speaking of women in outmoded and slightly sexist ways, as though he were stuck in the 1950's and can never break free, is friendly and respectful to all people ... with the possible exception of those who root against the Pittsburg Steelers. Management apologizes for maligning his character for a cheap laugh.

3) And apologizes some more for doing it again just now.

4) Management regrets getting all hoity-toity the other day, yelling that they might come down with the flu this week and how, if they did, it would all be the fault of Management's closest relatives. In point of fact, Management is in the best of health this morning, thank you; and even if they were not, it would be inappropriate to blame former flu-carriers for any infirmity, because people don't get other people sick on purpose, dammit.

We now return you to our regular posting schedule. However, in the interest of keeping this blog controversy-free, Management has decided to change the format to an all-bunny site.

Dating time-warp

Neighbor Bill, who is a painter in his off-work hours, is finally getting started on our house. Consequently, I have seen him more in the last few days than I had in months.

He knocked on the front door. "Permission to commence painting, sir," he said.

"Permission granted, soldier. Though technically, you started yesterday."

"Only technically, sir." N. Bill used to be in the Army. He don't know much, but he knows how a federal employee behaves.

As he sprayed the side of the house (in this sort of Grey Poupon-colored beige - it sucks less than the other colors we tried, so in a weird way, we're content), he lamented to me about his love life. He'd been "seeing" someone - she owns a mini-van and occasionally parks in front of his house, that's all we neighbors know about it - but I guess that's not going anywhere. Now, he's trying to meet women at the dog park.

"Everytime I see a fox, my dog barks at them and they run away." he complained.

I was confused. "They let foxes into the dog park?" Then it hit me. Cringe!

"Yeah, I can't stop my dog barking at them."

"It's a dog park, Bill; women will understand. What they won't understand is being called 'foxes'. Promise me you won't." Obviously, the last time Bill was Out There, Steve Martin was still doing stand-up comedy. Wait - did we ever like to be called foxes? I don't think so!

Siiiick day

Well, Saturday night wasn't the most peaceful ... Bunnylou has come down with BB's flu. She spent a great deal of the night sitting on the bathroom floor, and only agreed to try to sleep again if I brought her a bucket to keep near her bed. Sunday she ate very sparsely but everything stayed down. Today we're staying home together for the tail end of it. 

In related news, Bunny is trying to see how long a good kid can go without brushing her teeth. She keeps postponing, and I keep forgetting to nag her. We're both the sort where even minor breaks in our daily routine confound us and mess with our short-term memory.

You can bet that part of today will be spent disinfecting all surfaces in this house - though if I'm destined, as it were, then it's already too late. Hell's bells! Our Public Management presentation is due Wednesday. Nobody would believe I'm too sick to go. I would have to drag myself to school and stand there, green-tinged, while calmly discussing the management style of the Army Corps of Engineers. Then the whole class would get the flu. Heh-heh. Wait, no, that would be mean! Bad Pam. 

Abracadabra - you're famous

This is cool: In the grand tradition of folks like Love 22, put your face on your own 'funny money' here. What, you say funny money is illegal? I didn't do anything illegal! Snape put me under the Imperius curse. That's it. Yeah!

Now you know

It's Saturday, so you have six minutes to spend on this cheery little presentation called Shift Happens. It's full of statistics about our planet, our world population, this Information Age, the challenges of obsolescence, and what's just ahead on the horizon. Seriously, go. It'll blow you away.

Lemme at them history books

I've been compulsively clicking on a website that tells you what other people your age accomplished throughout history. And the good news is, for 44 year-old people, it looks as if the field is wide open - WIDE OPEN - for accomplishments. Look at this:

At age 44:

Assistant cashier Jim Priceman returned an envelope containing $37.1 million in negotiable bearer certificates found outside 110 Wall Street.

Alexander Wilson, a Scots-American ornithologist, saw a 250 mile long flock of passenger pigeons and estimated that it consisted of 2 billion birds.

George Washington crossed the Delaware River and captured Trenton, New Jersey.

See? Only three 44 year-olds accomplishing internet-worthy stuff in over 200 years. That means anything I can get done at this age? Will go right into the history books, baby. Piece of cake.
 

Treknowledgy

Here's an encyclopedia that reminds me of one of the things I like best about the Star Trek franchises - all the inventions! [via Grow-a-Brain] Follow this link to an analysis of the Jefferies tubes over the years ... You can never underestimate the importance of tunnels through your plotline flagship.

(Okay, who's gonna say it first ...?)

Pirates and pj's

Having serious blogger's block today. And that's not what you pay me for, is it? I should say not.

Yesterday, BB suddenly rallied. He braved the outside world, and bought me presents and a cake, for a respectible family birthday party. I had assured him we could put off any partying until he was completely over the flu, but he was a man on a mission. I was really touched.

Also grateful he didn't try and bake anything. Imagine. Ook!

Anyway, a nice evening. BB and Bunny gave me posh pajamas, which were at the top of my wish list.

Then we started Pirates 2. I must be the last person in the country to see this thing. It's very good-looking, but the plot is a bit confounding. Clearly it's written for a two-movie gig - these people think they have all bloody day to get around to making sense. And, for some reason, Orlando Bloom isn't trying to hold an accent these days. What's up with that? I say, old chap, did we land in Malibu or something?

(Whups - I just read that Orlando Bloom was born in England. Hmm. Well ... that just makes the accent problem all the worse, doesn't it?)

Self-felicitating in front of everybody

Okay, um ... you take the six, subtract seven ... then you get two ... twelve ... carry the one ... and you have PAM'S AGE TODAY.

See? And here I was afraid I couldn't work an abacus anymore.

Today's my birthday. Between BB's still having a touch of flu left, and my office not being clued in, I think it'll be a quiet day.

Time time tickin away

The semester is slipping away from me, guys. Here it is, mid-April already, and I haven't worked on my thesis at all since my hiatus in March. It just feels like every spare second of my life gets hyper-booked. I just blink and my calendar is filled with obligations.

Sunday is normally my big school day. But yesterday BB was sick with the flu; BB's dad thought he was being released on Sunday, which was wrong, but he kept calling everybody to come and pick him up; I went to church (yikes - there was a major time-drain right there); Bunny had a playdate and needed a chauffeur; there was a tree trimmer of ill-repute hanging around my yard; I had to shop for groceries; and my public management group met. And Saturday was equally bad. So you see.

Well, nobody programs my weekends; I let it happen. I don't want this thesis to drag on through next fall. I must take charge of the rest of this semester. That's all there is to it.

Right. Okay. Not going to punish myself, or do anything emotionally drastic. Just going to let everyone know they're on notice for a while.

Hey! On notice! That's it!

 

Key card conundrum

Why do you suppose a public building would have key card access-only for the stairwells ... yet full access to every floor by elevator?

Are they trying to stymie the fitness-minded?

Comic send-ups

Quick - I just saw my boss wheel his bike by my office - he'll be in here soon to ask how a report is going. Before he gets here, I've got a few funny links to share.

This guy will draw anything you tell him to on an index card. And he's going to have his cards exhibited! Crikey, I'm never ahead of the curve. What a great gig.

He also draws nipples on Ziggy's nose. Which makes it slightly easier to look at the strips. For about a second. Heh.

(This one's for Bunny, who's home sick, and trolling for pr0n something to view online while her dad's resting) The only good blog I can find that really sends up Mark Trail well is the ever-reliable Comic Curmudgeon. Here's his take on two strips this week. But he doesn't review it every day! Why, why? Bunny, we oughta start a Mark Trail blog ...

Circle Vision

Circle Vision Mickey Mouse
Originally uploaded by beancounter.

I don't know what to make of the Archives Museum here in Sacto. They have all this blank space in the foyer, it stands empty for months, and then what do they do with it? Put up random items like this, with no rhyme or reason, no explanation at all. Someone is clearly being influenced by the Goddess of Chaos. And not in a good way.

Gripe, gripe, gripe. Anyway, please gather your things and proceed to the Flickr page to see the rest of the mice. I don't know. They're starting to grow on me!

And that's no bull

Well, the operation appears to have been a success. They replaced one valve, not two. Also, they fashioned the valve out of membrane from a cow's heart, or something like that. BB and his siblings bought a stuffed cow at the gift store, and sat around the waiting room, thinking up most excellent bull-related jokes they could spring on my FIL in the days to come.

In other news, Dream Job is ... dare I say ... actually keeping me busy. What a concept! But I still get out and walk every day, as the next blog entry will show.

Buddies

News from the hospital: After yesterday's battery of preliminary tests, the word is that my FIL will need two heart valves replaced today. I stopped in to visit with him this morning before coming in to work. He was in pretty good spirits, as they say, considering what lies ahead.

"This morning, they said they're doing some sort of esophagal exam," he told me. "They'll take a camera, and go down my throat, and look at my heart from that direction."

We agreed that this was a nasty-sounding procedure, and that he should make every effort not to be there when it happened. We made plans to find him some clothes and take him out to get a drink and some dancing girls. We followed all this up with a rousing disparagement of our current administration. The surgeon even made a cameo. All in all, it was a very nice visit.

This whole valve nonsense had better go well, because I'm already looking forward to talking with him again tomorrow. So there.