For Mom

Jane Eyre runs for President.

In South Carolina, my nemesis McCain makes an issue of my lack of military service. He appears oblivious to the fact that 19th-century English women were prohibited from military service. So I ask him, "If I have no military experience, what fault is that of mine?" Does he not see the injustice of his charge, at least as it relates to me? Truly, a young woman of courage has few friends in this world.

Comments

[Anthony]

Now contemplate what would happen if Richardson's Clarissa Harlowe were running against Governor Romney of Massachusetts!

[pam]

No contest.

YOU could write such a thing, my dear. And I have the perfect place to post it!

[your mother]

This would get me to follow the campaign.

[Anthony]

Sweetie, Richardson's "Clarissa" is 1500 pages long. Even an ADD parody would run 3 or 400 pages. Not up to that anymore.
But:
Pages 1-400: Clarissa Harlowe debates (through letters) whether to run for governor or merely marry her campaign manager Mr. Lovelace. Her family, staunch Republicans, want her to marry the odious Mr. Romney. She refuses, and wages an ever-increadingly desperate war to free herself from her family's media stranglehold.
Pages 401-900: Clarissa moves in with Lovelace, who turns out to be less voter-positive than previously imagined. After several questionable mall apearances, Clarissa finds herself hopelessly compromised by Lovelace, who publishes juicy gif files of her on his blog ("The deed is done, and Clarissa Harlowe is HOT" he writes).
Pages 901-1300: Her popularity in shreds, Clarissa Harlowe succumbs (eventually) to MIAS (Media Induced Anorexia Syndrome).
Pages 1301-1500: Clarissa'a benign cousin Mr. Bedford, who writes for The Nation, shows up finally (after being stuck in New York traffic for 1299 pages) and kicks Lovelace's butt on NPR. Romney wins the election but is chastened by the purity of Harlowe's campaign and vows to conduct his presidential bid "as befits a true gentleman." Clarissa's family is bought out by Ted Turner and pinkslipped immediately. End of adaptation.