beancounters

Welcome to the herd, Son!

It's Saturday, so you have plenty of time to read this comic book originally published by your government - John's First Job. The inspiring story of one young man, his dreams of employment, and the nine-digit number that started it all ...

With this card ... the world is miiiiine!

When you're done, you can come back here and gaze upon my mysterious UFO collection. But I warn you: you'll be witnessing the seamier (heh) side of 80's fashion fabrics.

::echo::

It's nearly 3 p.m. on the eve before New Year's eve, and not a creature is stirring, etc. Everybody in my unit is gone for the day. Or is that "the year"? I'm the only one in my little Unit who opted to be scheduled until 5. I think there are only four or five people left on this whole floor.

Traditionally, management lets the employees off a few hours early on a day before a holiday. I am told it works that way here, too, but if there's a Word to be Given, there are seemingly no supervisors left to Give It.

I have no pending projects right now, so I'm re-reading some background materials. I don't think I mentioned, but the fact is, Cheerful and I were never given any OJT beyond a five-minute orientation on our first day. For the last six weeks, the two of us have had a standing agreement: as we find things on Google, the intranet and in the agency's shared drives that might be of use, we send them to each other. Well, at least it's making more sense during this second read-through.

This job is making me a little too depressed to write as much as I usually do, guys. Sorry. I'm reluctant to post details, even in couched terms, in case IT is monitoring. Suffice to say, something's got to give, and soon.

The Devil's ketchup

Scenes from Exorcist: The Beginning, directed by Renny Harlan, as described by two bored Unitarians.

BB: What'd I miss?

Me: Nothing. This guy is an ex-priest. We don't know why. He's been asked to go on an archealogical dig. We don't know why. Something about God and a mysterious idol.

BB: Like a dark, edgy Indiana Jones.

* * *

BB: Pretty good acting, for an Exorcist movie. I'm actually enjoying this.

Me: Me, too. I don't know why it got only 1 1/2 stars --

Both of us: -- EWWWWWW!

Me: OK, Nobody has that much blood in his body!

* * *

Hosed

All grocery store panty hose brands are From The Devil! And now I have proof.

Creaking

I've been awake since 4:00. Thought I'd put my insomnia to semi-good use, so I re-read Where The Lilies Bloom. It's a library book I believed at the time that I had borrowed for Bunny to read, but realized later it was secretly my own desire.

Call it my Narnia moment. All you Narnia fans are probably re-reading the series now that the movie's out. I never could get into those books for some reason. So lately, I've picked up other children's books from my youth.

They're expecting me at work in 1 1/2 hours, you know, but I am not ready to return to the outside world. My head is making unusual mental noises like wuhhhhhh. I clench my coffee cup with both hands. I doubt if I remember all my passwords. However, if I did stay away a few more days, I might even forget my tenuous grasp on my own job description. That would be a shame. It's taken since mid-November to figure out what the bloody hell they want from me; any more time away and I'd become just a character at a desk going wuhhhhh and grrrrrrr.

Nudge the remote over this way, please

I spent all day yesterday and today engaging in some serious relaxing. Big couches, leftovers, family, and DVDs. And I'm not sure but that tomorrow I'll do more of the same. After all the running-around we did before and during Christmas, all I can say is AAAAAHHH.

In keeping with this spirit, I will tell you nothing but pleasant and relaxing news. To wit:

- The 2006 calendars and homemade cookies have all gone over very, very well. Nice!

- I've been thinking about doing some recreational sewing before the next semester starts. I can't say I'll actually do it. I haven't really sewn for fun in about three years. And getting started anytime soon might involve my moving off the couch or interrupting a DVD. I mean, good Lord! But just dreaming about it has been pleasant.

- My brother's Christmas present to us was three packages of Top Ramen. Beautifully gift-wrapped, too. I tell you, it must've set him back 40 cents. Still: worth every penny. It's delicious.*

- BB's bionic knee has been giving him a whole lot of trouble lately. He wondered if it was infected, which would be hideously bad. Happily, today his surgeon told him the problem is, he majorly strained it over the holiday, climbing ladders. Recommended cure? Relaxation. And Vicod1n. Heh. He'll be the most relaxed among us.

*Okay, okay, that's not all he gave us. He also gave us DVDs - see above.

My favorite time-wasters

New GROWs!

GROW Ornaments,

GROW Cube,

and a complicated D&D-looking GROW. Dude, I'm going to need more time off. [via Robert]

Blogspeaking

We drove to my mom's on Xmas afternoon to be with her, my brother, and my nephew for dinner. Mom has her own blog now, and has dozens of questions for me whenever we meet. Other people seem to avoid us when we talk about blogs for hours at a time. Hmm. Surely just a coincidence.

This was disturbing: my brother laughed after I told him a story that didn't deserve a laugh. "I'm sorry, but you've got nothing for me," he said. He reads my blog every day. The last three anecdotes had been things he'd already read.

Talk about being nonplussed. Every other aspect of my life, those non-bloggable incidents, were too awkward or depressing for casual conversation.

Now what, Daniel? I either come up with fresher but more depressing stories, or I make you start your own blog. Take your pick, bro!

Xmess!

Good morning! The sun is out, after a very rainy Christmas day. BB is playing arcade games on this, Bunnylou has finished playing an online game and is now walking about, humming pleasantly, on the lookout for something else to do.

Behold the Aftermath! The 8 year-old woke up many times in the night, but let us sleep until the crack of 7:30. Then, coffee and music and presents. BB and I tried to hold back the spending on each other, but Bunny still cleaned up.

She's the only kid I've ever known who likes getting clothes for Christmas. She always has. Is it me, or is that unusual? When I was a kid, a box of clothes under the tree was kind of a rip-off. Clothes were the sorts of things parents were obliged to buy you whenever you needed them, all year 'round. To get them at Xmas was, well, a waste of gift potential. But not with her. She ripped the paper off a box - it was a sneaker box - which could have held anything, as you know - but she said, 'Oh, I hope it's sneakers!' - and when it was sneakers, she was so happy. I don't get it. But okay!

Santa Crooner

For all my blog friends - turn up the speakers and gather the family!

May your days be merry and bright

Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah. I hope you're spending this holiday weekend with the people you love most. Take care of each other.

Complete with the pointy shoes

It's true! Yes! I give up!

Christmas Elf Name My Christmas Elf Name is Get your Christmas Elf Name at JokesUnlimited.com

[Via Tootsie Tum-Tums]

Mousies

On Sunday, 'mouse shares his birthday with the Baby Jesus!

In his honor ('mouse's) (unless the Baby Jesus also likes the blues), a birthday song.

Now that I think about it, if anybody has the right to sing the blues, it's the Baby Jesus.

Baby Jesus Blues

Woke up this morning

In a manger full of hay,

My momma done tol' me,

'Son you do what I say.

Now I ain' no Philistine,

An' I ain' no liar

Here come some shepards, Son

'Cause you the new Messiah'

Uh-huh ... mmm-hmm ... oh yeah

See what I mean?

Yuletide Snackitude

The !2 Days potluck rallied, in a big way. Meatballs in a crockpot! They smell incredible. Too bad the set-up is right under their secretary's nose, or I'd be tempted to sneak a bowlful.

Happily, a coworker I'm directly "related" to brought a huge pot of beef-barley soup today. They say it's her personal holiday tradition. Very tasty. Early lunch.

Oh! And a manager, one degree of separation away from my unit (meaning we were invited to partake), cooked something he called "scones". He set up in an empty cubicle. He took bread dough, rolled it out on the (hopefully cleaned) surface and sliced it up, then deep-fried the slices and served them with your choice of honey, jelly, or sugar. He cooked!

Even I made a humble offering to the spirits of yuletide snackitude by bringing to the office some homemade choc. chip/oatmeal cookies.

December! Between the food brought in, and the celebratory lunches out, there's no need for me to pack my own meals.

Wonk bait

Somebody just e-mailed me a work-related link to a big online clearinghouse of policy analysis, survey data, and research; I've been scrolling through it, happy as a kid in a candy store. Hopeless.

Give me back that T, mutha

Via Karen, who's still holding it against me that she became a Sudoku junkie off of one of my posts ...

I give you this addictive thing.

All you have to do is make words with the seemingly harmless little fridge magnet letters. The trick is, other people are trying to do the same. They need your letters! And they're faster than you!

Try as I might, I could not keep twelve letters in one place long enough to spell my blog name. Some ruthless person kept stealing the B so s/he could proclaim an undying love of "Buffy". We went back and forth. It became a battle of wills. And sorry to say, s/he won this round. Whatever! I don't care! I just came back here to blog it. Now, I'm going back to show them how it's really done.

Cubicle decorating: conflicting ideologies

I call my new coworker "Cheerful" because on our first few days in this new office, she was so maniacally perky I thought she was going to suffer debilitating face spasms and fall to the floor in grotesque pain. Happily, she's calmed way down. But the name remains, because hey. Nobody said it was easy, being a supporting cast member on this blog. Remember, I called a perfectly nice, normal coworker "Alien Secretary" for a year and a half. I know no bounds.

(You guys are sort of like supporting cast members too, but you already had nicknames before I met you; it isn't the same.)

Anyway, back when we were getting to know each other, Cheerful would strike up conversations by pointing out stuff about me that is different than herself. Which is quite a lot of stuff, so our conversations have been many and varied.

One day, she looked around my cubicle and said, cheerfully, "You know, we simply have to decorate in here."

Wha ...? I decorated! I did! Look, I have pictures up, I have a calendar, I have some desk toys and my Magic 8-Ball, and most of all, I have His Ascended Holiness, the Cola Yak. Is this not decorating?

No. Not compared with Cheerful. Her photos are all in crystal and brass 8 x 11 frames. There are feng shui mirrors in there. There's a radio. She brought in a Christmas tree, folks. She has actual statuary in her cubicle. It took four trips to her car to haul it all in.

I tried to set her straight. "One should only bring in as many personal items as one can carry in the standard-sized copypaper box. Because" (and here I paraphrased Allison from "The Breakfast Club") "you never know when you'll have to jam."

Cheerful disagreed. She thinks that when you're on probation, you should decorate like mad, so it looks like you've settled in permanently, and Management is less inclined to fail you on probation and make you go to the trouble of moving back to your former agency.

Hmm. That makes sense, too. I guess it depends on your personality. But what does it say about the fact that I still have my empty copypaper box under my desk?

Cheerful was disgusted. "Gimme that box. You're staying. You don't need it."

No! Don't touch my box! Stay back!

Personal best

Well, I've spent 8 hours on the computer at work, followed by a good three more here at the house. I'm striving for a personal best! And you were here!

::cue Chariots of Fire theme music::

This evening I'm at work on our annual calendar, the one we send the BB clan every year. The theme centers around their annual Tahoe vacation. Design-wise, I have this thing down to a science. What takes time is keeping a tally to make sure no one child gets more face-time than any other.

(Do other people really notice such things? I don't know. But 12 months is a long time to stare at a calendar. The imagination wanders. Things leap to mind. That's all I'm saying.)

What do you think of the cover? I'm grading on effusiveness here. Extra points if you can identify what you're (supposed to be) looking at.

And lo, there was nosh

I'm afraid our office's 12 Days of All-Inclusive Holiday Snacking has lost some of its momentum. When I walked by, I saw nothing but platters of Wheat Thins and bowls of what looked like library paste.

How nice. Now pass the damn cheesecake.

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Results of a new study lend support to the idea that people's eating habits vary according to the season, with people eating more in the fall and winter. What's more, their body weight and physical activity levels also appears to follow suit in many cases.

"Energy in -- food intake -- must be equal to energy out -- mainly physical activity -- to avoid weight gain," the researcher explained.

These guys just discovered that people eat more in winter months, and then sometimes gain weight as a result? And that, if people eat more calories than they burn off, they gain weight? Wow! I thought this was common knowledge, but no. It must not have been, because if it were, why would scientists have had to conduct a brand-new medical study? I always say, you peons don't know anything unless it's corroborated by a study.