beancounters

Pam's 2-20 headache cure

Just ingest two ibuprofin, and chase them with a 20-oz bottle of diet Coke. It's a sure-fire cure. At least, it better not fail me today, 'cause damn, do I have it bad this morning.

Update: Whew. The 2-20 forced the headache to retreat to the German border, but not before the French surrendered. Merde!

A glossary for the rest of us

Hey, I just googled psionic to see if it means what I think it means, and I found this Marvel Comics glossary. Woo!

Promotional pros and cons

Now that I'm on a promotional list for the next classification of analyst, I've been receiving offers from my agency. No, not offers of jobs, you silly thing. Offers to consider me for interviews for jobs. Sheesh! It's only been seven months! Catch your breath; the state doesn't move that quickly.

I'm waiting to receive one of these interview-offer letters from my own department. The lady who writes regulations is about to retire, and her job will have to be filled. (Yeah, writing regs. Try not to hyperventilate with excitement over there.) I could really make that job dovetail with my future grad studies. But the big drawback, it turns out, is that the blog-famous Micromgr would be my supervisor again. Not like she'd know my job or anything. And she's not what you'd call a mentoring kind of boss. What she is is a babysitting kind of boss. She'd monitor me at my desk like it's eighth grade Detention. She'd want me to check in dozens of times a day. Plus, we're not too keen on each other.

Why can't anything be simple?

Oh well, if she's the one who interviews, I don't stand a chance anyway. Let's focus our combined psionic talents on those other interviews.

Oh, now I remember

See? Just a few minutes spent quietly reacquainting myself with the "Hitchhiker's" interactive game gently reminds me why I once cut up the goddamn disk.

Infocom games are here again

The very first computer games required typing and actual thinking, not just fast reflexes and a mouse. The very best were made by Infocom. This site lets you play the old Infocom games online, using an Aplet format.

Included here, I was pleased to see, is the Hitchhiker's Guide interactive game (the floppy disk of which I once cut up in a fit of pique). At last, I can return to the Heart of Gold, where I last left off!

Did you ever play any of these?

King Arthur on screen: Warrior queens and blind critics

This article is the first encouraging thing I've read about the new "King Arthur" movie. It's a positive criticism about the historical accuracy of the movie. The writer employed actual (gasp!) research to explain that the movie really captures what Arthur and Guinevere might have been like in the fifth century. No more knights in shining armor, and (yay), no more timid and demure little queens!

"Get off my back about Lancelot, or I'll kick your ass clear back to Saxony."

Especially Nos. 3 and 6

While playing tourist last week, I was reminded constantly of this statshot, copied long ago from The Onion.

This week, I must mail photocopies to my dad and my grandmother, so they'll finally understand why I kept snickering inexplicably in the middle of otherwise serious tours.

Office stats that shape my Monday

It's the Monday after a week off. Time to start counting stuff! Let's go ...

4: number of memos left on my chair. [What's up with that, anyway? I just now wondered. Why the chair, and not the In-Basket? It's as if the memo-distributors reason that you'll look at the memo faster because you physically picked it up in order to sit down. So theoretically, you will walk into your office/cube, go to sit down - "Whups! Almost sat on this memo!" ::Hiney hangs in air, arm reaches behind to retrieve memo:: "Better get that - there!: ::Sits down with air of relief after narrow brush with copy paper:: "Now to work ... " ::notices the memo, still in hand:: "Hmmmm ... what's this? It's in my hand, so I ought to read it! Right away!"]

7: number of voice mail messages, though my vacation outgoing message only referred callers to other extensions, and gave no indication I would be at all interested in listening to their petty problems upon my return. Odd. Next vacation, I should compose a message that will make my point better. I hereby open the floor to suggested language.

9: number of important e-mails.

49: number of junk e-mails.

3: number of Canadian-made tourist cookies I just ate. Chocolate maple leaf Oreo-type outsides, maple creme innards. They were profferred by Token Male, who just came back from his own vacation to northerly climes. [Why didn't I bring the office any Saint Louis-themed food? Because the only such substance is Budweiser beer. 'Nuff said.]

2: number of intimidating boxes of files on my cube's guest chair. I haven't dared wheel myself close to that end of the cube, but from here, it doesn't look good. Not good at all. We see an accordian file, rubber banded miscellany, and not one but two cover notes. Why are they here? The signatory, "Eddie", rings a vague bell, but that's about it. It's going to take a few more maple-flavored cookies to work up some nerve.

Fall '04: "Precious" is the new black

Noooooooo!

Somebody stop them!

Singer Celine Dion and celebrated baby photographer Anne Geddes are collaborating on a "Miracle" project which aims at capturing the unbreakable bond of love that exists between a mother and her baby.

The unholy duo of sacchrine cuteness comes together at long last. All they need is a solo by Kenny G., and the horror will be complete.

Hey - let's find a way to get hold of Anne's people, and suggest a photo for her October release:

Governator calls foes 'girlie men'

Well, Ahnold really flew off the handle in Imperial Valley, didn't he?

It was bound to happen. Last summer he stood in front of his fans - er, constituents, with a big broom, promising to make sweeping reforms ... everything looked rosy ... then boom! He hit the wall of his first budget. And now he's reacting in his inimitable style.

CA governors who try bully tactics at the Capitol at this time of the year never get what they want. Besides, there was no way the legislators would let the opp pass to give Ahnold his come-uppance. Hell's bells, I bet last November, assemblymen and senators alike started waiting with evil grins, counting the days until the Gov. would have to face the month of July and do some actual negotiating with them.

I don't think "girly-man" is anti-p.c., as the Dems who got quoted are saying. It's just an old joke from SNL. They're all wimps in Sacto, ha-ha. He simply used it as part of his favorite strategy to go directly to the people, make 'em laugh, make 'em love him, make 'em put pressure on their representatives for messing with the Terminator. But has that tactic even worked so far?

You never knew I was this versatile

Googlism for the word Pam (with the order changed a bit using poetic license):

pam is an alaska book by an alaskan
pam is traveling two ways
pam is right
pam is wrong
pam is ok
pam is nuts4mocha
pam is a mermaid
pam is absolutely correct about you not calling ryan
pam is evil and must die
pam is one of the most disgustingly implemented ideas i've ever had the displeasure to work with
pam is right posted by adam on 08/19/02
pam is a safer piece of software
pam is designed to manage
pam is here
pam is there
pam is a certified healing science practitioner
pam is a rookie
pam is responsible
pam is voluntarily going to a hospice this coming saturday
pam is on the executive council of the board
pam is a linear polymer that electrochemically binds soil particles
pam is orthogonal and complementary to the presence capabilities
pam is reliable
pam is designed to offer a number of features
pam is a new concept
pam is

[Via Jo, the biggest dead hardwood anime diva in Hollywood]

Puberty must have been easier in olden days

Could you have passed this 8th grade exam from 1895?

Update: Anthony's reply to this post was so good, it belongs here on the main page.

Looking carefully at these questions, the truth is that this test isn't as obliteratingly hard as it appears. The grammar section is by far the hardest only because none of us (myself included) have been subjected to the highly structured, rigorous and (many educational reformers might have said) mind-numbingly mechanical nature of 19th century middle-class education (which is a bit of a pity as I feel that a thorough grounding in grammar forms--and kids, I don't care how "eurocentric" that is: English is the unofficial second language of the world--would be a great benefit to immigrants and American newcomers to learn to speak it fluently and make this country a little less divided than it seems to be these identity politics-obsessed days).

The math section isn't that hard--it only looks difficult because how many of us even know what a bushel or a rod is anymore. (The answer to question six about the interest took me approximately two minutes to solve using a calculator--$512.90 earns exactly $31.70 in 8 months and 18 days [easy as pie: $512.80 earns $35.90 total over a year, $2.99 a month and $1.77 in 18 days {which you derive by dividing the yearly interest by 365 and then mutiplying by 18--dirt easy with a calculator}]).

Of course, that is WITH a calculator--much more time consuming and error prone with your brain.
The history quiz isn't that obliteratingly difficult either--it's just that the teaching and interpretation of history has radically altered in a hundred years or so. But for the record:

1607: Jamestown Colony founded (and then starves to death except for John Smith and Pochohontas)

1620: Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock and invent Thanksgiving.

1800: Lots of important things happened in 1800--what we no longer know is what was considered important in Salina, Kansas in 1895.

Fulton: Invented the steam engine.

Samuel Morse: invented the telegraph.

Eli Whitney: invented the cotton gin.

Lincoln: invented the free black man.

Penn: invented the post-modern, ironic magic act.

Howe: invented the "Roundabout" guitar solo.

And how many of these kids today would know what to do with a Palm Pilot, a CD burner, an Ipod or even know what to wear to the Burning Man Festival?

Can I graduate now?

Neighborhood delinquency takes a grim turn

Lawn ornament thief caught on tape

WASHINGTON -- The thief -- caught in the act on police video that was broadcast on national television -- didn't show even a hint of remorse when he showed up on Ruth Breiner's doorstep Friday evening.

The man with him began apologizing profusely, Breiner said, and handed over the ceramic fawns, chipmunk, squirrels and foxes that had decorated her front yard before they were stolen in the dead of night.

But Magnum, the bandit, a 110-pound black Labrador retriever, just sat on Breiner's stoop while his victim patted his head.

... Police said they don't know Magnum's motive, but Breiner, who is happy to have her animals back home, noted that the dog is a retriever.

Adding Incarceration to Injury?

Only in Britain, I believe, would a man be jailed for illegal possession of a firearm after shooting off his testicles. Don't you think the American legal system would take a more lenient approach to such a candidate for the Darwin Award?

First vacation photos

Well, how inconvenient - I picked up a cold on my trip, and still have a bit of a fever this morning. I think I'll go back to bed now. Hope I can talk BB into bringing me something for breakfast. In the meanwhile, though, I've posted a few pictures on Jo's Ten:Tenblog.

(Jo, I like your new tag line. I think it'll become the "all your base" meme for 2004.)

It's 3 a.m. STL time

... but I'm actually pretty awake right now. Just had to visit my handsome blog before I collapse and sleep the rest of the morning. Hello, sailor! It's been a whole week - 'dja miss me? C'mere, you - ::muchas smoochas::

WARNING: Southwest Air is not to be trusted! They say they want to fly you all around the country for the rock-bottomest fare available. If only it were that simple. Nay, my friends, it's only half the story. What they're really up to is a gigantic behavioral study about the extremes of psychological and physical endurance - and we, the passengers, are the unwitting subjects! What's more, Southwest Air's "Spirit" magazine contains cleverly encoded messages within its mind-numbingly inane articles about Rita Ludman and Amish farming. I'm guessing this is so the scientists who occasionally ride along, posing as passengers, can stay informed.

More tomorrow - but if I mysteriously disappear now and the six of you NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN, help spread the message to everybody you know. Trust no one! And don't eat those damned honey-roasted peanuts!

How NOT to behave like a discordian

So I'm surfing the net, looking for a nice clean copy of Principia Discordia that will appeal to any tidy soccer moms who want to experience a little weirdness. And I am doing well until ... I find ... THIS:

Discordians Meetup

It's .... an organization. That introduces purported discordians. To one another. For a fee.

An ORGANIZATION, sweetie darling, for DISCORDIANS.

A bloody ORGANIZATION OF CHAOS, darling.

My head is pounding from the huge extent to which Somebody Does Not Get It.

Discordianism is the happy accident of meeting kindred spirits in strange ways and by unusual means. Making friends through blogging is quite the discordian thing to do, for the simple reason that your odds of really hitting it off with strangers on the Internet are fairly long, leaving all sorts of room for the goddess to rearrange your furniture. But a club? Where you pay someone? To let you e-mail other discordians? Just where are we expected to meet each other, at the food court? In front of Old Navy? Because really, you open the door to tacky, you may as well go all the way. Shall we wear trucker hats, too?

I had to look around this site, just to find out who would join such a chicken outfit. I found one guy!

Hey Dylan. John Tesh called, he wants his sweater back.

Hyperdiscordia

If you've read through Principia enough to at least know most of the vocab, you may want to dive into Hyperdiscordia. Beware, O Blogger. Few have plumbed its depths and lived to tell the tale; I myself never visit this site fnord. But you look to be of sterner stuff than I.

Ooh. Funny bits:

If you are tired of your Magic 8 Ball, clear your mind and ask a question of the Five Ball of Magick.

The Pope Card Generator. Sadly on the fritz, but heck, in this day and age, you can probably insert your own holy name in minutes.

The First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis.

See? Now I ask you - aren't we having more fun than the Presbyterians?

The Principia the way Mal intended

If you want to read the Principia Discordia - or at least skim it for funny pictures, which I suppose will suffice for now - let's not start with a carefully typewritten format. Go to trip23.com's version and read the actual, scanned pages. Principia Discordia isn't a copyrighted work, so don't worry about the literary equivalent of the MPAA on your backs. All Rites are Reversed.

If it looks cheesy, well, you would too, if you were created several pages at a time, then mimeographed and distributed to the poor multiple times before finally being assembled into a book. (Which is not to imply that many of you weren't. I don't really know you all that well.)

And don't try to read the introductions first. Or ever, for that matter. Kerry Thornley co-founded Discordianism, but man, Loompanics let that guy write his own introduction and obviously didn't edit a single f'n word. And it's deadly dull, even for us true believers. Remember, kids: speed kills.

The karmameter

Many of you who took my Erisian Apostle quiz wrote to me, or commented on my blog, or commented in other blogs where you thought you were safe from me, and asked, "What is this word, 'Erisian', and how can I, the average blogger, learn more?"

Glad you asked. I can think of no better time, i.e., my vacation far away from all things blog, to bring you to the light. But first, please visit the Karmameter. It's brought to you by Cabaret Discordia, which I will not link here because you're not allowed to visit them yet, but suffice for now to say they're a bunch of ffun guys.

UNLIKE OTHER QUIZZES you have recently wasted your time on, the Karmameter is guaranteed 100% accurate, or your money back.

Hint: If you read the entire legal disclaimer, it'll be worth your time come midterms.