beancounters

Mission: Wednesday

The two punt-dogs have settled down into a routine. They now ignore each other completely, but when they accidentally meet, they hump again for a while. If Gus wants to avoid Daisy, he goes out and sits around out in the garage. Actually, this is much like a married couple I know. Hmm.

My grandma sent an anniversary card and a newsy letter. She is so excited that we're coming out to see her in July. Counting-the-days kind of excited. This sent Bunny to her own calendar. "Sixteen more days!" she shouted. As the navigator of the group, I'm excited for a different reason. Sixteen days? Is that enough time to do ... well, all the stuff you're supposed to worry about before a trip? What is there to do? I can't work up a To-Do list for the trip until I make one for school ...

Went to an orientation for the Public Policy and Admin graduate program. But I got lost trying to find the right building. I don't know the CSUS campus very well, and everybody on the sidewalks seemed to be new themselves. So I was slightly late to the appointment, arriving breathless and flustered.

It was one advisor with two students, so I had plenty of opportunity to get my questions answered - even the hardest one. I'll take two courses each semester (six units) for three years. One course will be statistics (gaack). I'll probably put that one off as long as possible. Maybe global warming will turn the Central Valley into a huge ocean inlet by then, and the whole school will be underwater, and I won't have to take the course.

Though I didn't ask the hardest question, the advisor answered it. She reminisced about the years of her own doctoral program. She had twin five year-olds at the time. "I hardly ever saw them," she grimaced. "Thank goodness my husband took care of everything." How long was your program? I asked. "Five years. But it was okay in the long run. They are graduating from high school this year, and they still do like me."

Good Lord. I'm going to have to carry pictures of Bunny everywhere I go, to remind me of her. I'll have to give her pictures of me. What on earth do I think I'm doing?

Inventing a nice Brit's history

By far my favorite meme has been "Inventing History". Now some nice British woman has issued the call for fake memories to be posted, while she is away from her computer and helpless to block our comments for a few days. The only reason I know her is that she thoughtfully TrackBacked to my own post. (TrackBack: When You Care Enough To Ping The Very Best.)

I say, go over there and have some fun. Show her that we Americans richly deserve our international reputation for making shit up on the spot.

The real reason Ivory floats

P&G Gives New Account on Ivory Soap

CINCINNATI - Procter & Gamble Co. is setting the record straight: It turns out Ivory soap's ability to float wasn't an accident.

I was going to write a whole blog post on how it's been revealed that Satan himself actually makes Ivory soap float. Wouldn't that have been funny? Think of the possibilities!

But then, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It would have been downright cruel to write an earnest-looking leg-puller, and risk providing more grist for the urban legend mill. Especially after P&G was already forced to take the most handsome logo in the world off their products because of a lot of non-ironic rumormongering.

I'll settle for a quick picture instead. Hee.

Punt-dog Luuuuv

We are dog-sitting this week. Today, my in-laws dropped off their little papillion, Gus, to watch while they are vacationing. Last time our pomeranian Daisy met Gus, she was just a puppy, but still bigger than he was. She was kind of a bully to him. So BB calls this afternoon to tell me the Tables Have Turned.

BB: Gus is here ...

Me: How are Gus and Daisy getting along?

BB: Oh ... great ... now ...

Me: OK, good!

BB: They're um, humping.

Me: WHAT?!

BB: [laughing] Yeah. Gus just noticed Daisy has been in heat.

Me: Oh my God!

BB: [very unhelpful laughter]

Me: Well, you've got to ... I mean, they have to be ... you can't just let ...

BB: What's the problem? Gus has been fixed.

Me: Fixed? Are you sure?

BB: Positive. Remember, he has no ...

Me: Oh that's right. I remember. Whew.

BB: [Still laughing pretty hard] He can't really do anything. Daisy keeps sitting down when he tries to climb on.

Me: This is still pretty upsetting. Daisy told me she wanted to save herself for marriage.

BB: Honey, better buy the rice.

Freaky Bush & Blair ... er, Item

Well. This thing will give me nightmares.

I scare, because I share.
I share, because I care.
I care to scare.
So there.

Visionquest in the tunnel

This article, about free tours given by the engineers at Oakland's Caldicott Tunnel, really taps into one of my favorite things to do - tour funky and/or unusual places.

As traffic growled below, Rogers led the way to the concrete Art Deco structure above Bores 1 and 2 on the tunnel's west end, which masks the big exhaust fans. Despite its practical nature, the tunnel -- with its facade of subtle columns and carved designs -- won an award on looks alone, recognized in 1993 by the Art Deco Society.

"Those four carved plaques on the front are supposed to depict what goes on inside," Rogers said. "See, that one is depicting a fan. That one with the face ... I'm not so sure what it is. Maybe the God of Ventilation or something."

This is now my Quest. I must see the face of the God of Ventilation before I die. Who's with me? Anthony?

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, here are pictures taken by another tourist. If you think you could get claustrophobic, maybe we'll just hook up at the coffee shop afterward.

Will these coins give me diptheria?

Oh, My, God. My sides hurt from trying not to bray out loud over this article from The Smoking Gun - complaints against the toll-takers of the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority. I honestly don't know which were worse - the vulgarian civil servants, or the brain-dead patrons who complained.

By far, my favorites were numbers 1, 9 and 13:

"I thought you were going to write a check, and Jesus Christ, what? Are you going to start crying now?" Then her pen froze and this also upset the collector.

Help me, help me! Okay, there is no excuse for swearing at a tollbooth patron, but holy frejoles! Trying to write a check for a toll - that comes close!

Stupid Truths

Found this great list at the inimitable Chasing Daisy - maybe it's me, but these really are just stupidly true.

1. Moles are always smaller than you imagine
2. You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps
3. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel manly
4. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
5. Everyone who grew up in the 80s entered the digits 71077345 into a calculator
6. Reading when you are drunk is horrible
7. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose
8. You are never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a bonfire in your garden

Didn't the gods have any sense of decency?

We visited Capitol Park today, just for the exercise and to see the gardens before the end of the rose season. On the walk over, we just had to snap a photo of the city’s favorite controversial statue, Poseidon.

(Here’s a work semi-friendly shot from the rear, overlooking the Sacramento Convention Center.)

Bunny's night out

So, I told you that Bunny had a slumber party at her friend M's house. This morning I woke up at 6:30 and was hitting the blog when the phone rang.

Phone: ring

Me (on the den phone): Hello? Hello?

BB (on the bedroom extension): Hello? Hello?

Me: It's only me.

BB: Good morning. Whatcha doin'?

Me: Blogging. As usual. Why do you think the phone rang without someone ...

Bunny: [makes a very faint noise]

Me: Sweetheart? Is that you?

Bunny: Wanna come home.

BB: Are you okay? What's wrong?

Bunny: [more high-pitched distress noises] I don't feel good. [whine whine] ... throw up.

Me: OK, I'll come right over, sweetheart. Did you talk to M's mommy and tell her you don't feel good?

Bunny: [miserable] I don't want to wake her up.

BB: Honey, she'll want you to. Go see her.

Me: And I'll be right there.

I threw on some outdoor clothes. Half a mile and half a minute later, I knocked on M's door. M's mom greeted me, and together we determined that Bunny's problem was most likely a bad case of indigestion. They ate a lot of party food last night, people. The mom only told me about pizza and cookies. She may not have known the rest of the list, but as the morning has worn on, the whole junky slumber party fare was disclosed:

pizza
popcorn
chocolate chip cookies
cookie dough
fruit roll-ups
more candy
ice cream
juice boxes

It's no bloody wonder! A whole evening's worth of chowing, without more than a passing glance at any of the four food groups! Plus, they had no bed for her, so she wound up trying to sleep in a chair. (I had understood there would be a bed. At least, where I come from, the phrase "we have room for her" means a bed or other accommodations in the bed genre will be provided. How silly of me to assume.)

So, home again. She and the puppy and I cuddled on the couch for a few hours, watching Bugs Bunny while she drank water and nibbled on a Tums. Now that she's had a small helping of normal food for breakfast, she seems okay. Poor kid. If there is a next time, I'll send along a sleeping bag - and carrot sticks!

Classic anniversary date: dinner & movie

Well, we foisted Bunny off on her friend M's family last night, so BB and I could go out to dinner and a movie. Dinner was at Tahoe Joe's, the steakhouse chain in the neighborhood. They treated us well - we know enough to stick with their specialty steaks. And a glass of the house red. And a side order of marinated mushrooms.

The movie was "Terminal". I can't recommend it - sorry, Steven and Tom, your Oscar (tm) and Golden Globe (tm) nominations will have to wait until next time. But then, I think you already knew that, which is why you released "Terminal" at this time of year, instead of in the fall with all the good movies!

It was one of those Indomitable Human Spirit movies that's supposed to uplift you. That much I get. And oh, uplift abounded. But the ending (when it finally got around to ending) seemed written by committee. Steven and Tom could have ended the movie in any of a half-dozen ways - but the actual ending they chose perplexed me. They failed to wrap up all the other disparate plot points. Odd. "Terminal" gets two Beans (tm) down. Wait for video.

Sixteen years ago today

It was a blazingly hot day in Modesto, but though I was in a white dress made entirely of polyester lace, I didn't notice a thing. Neither, it turned out, did the guy beside me, though his tuxedo must have actually been suffocating him. We were beyond noticing what the temperature did to us, because we were on a high over this crazy thing we were about to commit to in front of a hundred friends and family members.

A day of summery goodness

Summer mornings in the Central Valley always hold such promise. We don't have much humidity, so it cools off very rapidly after the sun goes down each evening. By morning, it's almost chilly again - with the windows open, the air creates a temporary vacation spot away from the heat. Later, the sun will climb and remind us again what season it is - and today, it'll probably be sooner rather than later!

Earlier this year, our wonderful NeighborBill offered to mow our yard weekly, whenever he mowed his own. It worked out for a while, because he was off work taking full-time care of his disabled wife (NeighborDolores). But since she moved to a convalescent hospital and he went back to work, I've felt funny about making NeighborBill keep this additional duty. So the job has fallen back on me. I almost don't mind - there's something about mowing that I find satisfying. Almost ...

So between lawns to be mowed, clothes to be beaten on rocks and groceries to be hunted and harpooned, it should be a nice, busy day. Somewhere in there, Bunny and I must embark on two stealth missions for Father's Day gifts (the nature of which may not be revealed here yet, until the gifts are given and their descriptions may be declassified). Must remember to take my camera along for the ten:ten entry!

The grad school machine

I'm plugged into the grad school machine now. Yesterday there came several e-mails in my home inbox about financial aid awards. BB got all serious on me as he sat at the computer. "You should read them," he told me, as if I won't.

Snail mail letters come weekly. Some of them are just to remind me to read my campus e-mail. Your tax dollars at work, folks.

Tuesday is an orientation at the campus Public Policy building. I asked what I should bring along. "Just your smile and your questions!" came the rehearsed reply from the secretary.

Yeah, okay, I have a few questions, lady. Like, how do other forty-something wives and mothers take so much time out of their lives to study in a graduate program?

What if Something Major has recently come up, that might turn out to take precedence over starting grad school this fall - how do I figure out my priorities?

One wonders if the machine is programmed to respond to questions from the heart, but we'll give it a whirl.

Happy Birthday, Dan!

Hope your people treat you right today. I miss you, little brother, and wish I could be there to help blow out the candles. (Ha!) Thanks for the good advice recently, too. Love you!

Attack of the couch

You haven't lived until you've stood next to a 30-foot, beautifully upholstered red vinyl couch that is eating a chair.

This was one of the exhibits I saw last week at the San Jose Museum of Art. "Desire for the Other" by Brian Goggin. The photo doesn't nearly do justice to how huge this thing is. I would have taken a picture that would give us better perspective, but there was a strict rule against just such a thing, and the museum docents appeared to be packin' heat.

The couch has swallowed lamps, a television, and other, indefinable objects. It has a lifesize blue wingback chair in its mouth now. And yeah, you'd best be running.

This work was part of the museum's "Domestic Odyssey" exhibit. It was well worth visiting.

Designs on the White House

They're here! The finalists of the Designs on the White House T-shirt contest.

And check the panel of judges - Al Franken, Margaret Cho, and an all-star liberal cast. Should be good!

Best rejection letter evah

See? Even when I try to shut off the blog and write rejection letters for the office, the Internet just gets too flippin' funny, and I have to pass stuff along.

Dear_________:

Thank you for your letter of April 15. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me the position of teacher. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your school's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will plan on commencing my position as a teacher on August 25. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

(Your name here)

Bush Borg

While looking for images of the Borg, I found this, and had to share.

[via]

Same time, same place

Fairly excited! Jo has invited me to be a guest-author on her new blog, Ten:Ten. She's running an interesting experiment - the idea is the chronicle a slice of life at exactly the same time every day. She's also enlisted Keith's help, and the whole thing is starting to really take shape. Go check it out.