beancounters

The vet tells me to suck it up

Took both dogs to the vet yesterday. Daisy received her final puppy shots. Now she is fully innoculated and can be taken on fun trips to the park, the pet superstore, etc., much to my daughter's joy.

I was also hoping for some solution to Muffy's anomalies. The vet discussed options like ultrasound and surgery (gaaah), but ultimately we decided to take a blood sample, up the dosage of a medicine that nearly did the trick last time, and go from there.

We (the family) are to redouble our efforts to keep Muffy away from every other food item besides her prescribed diet. Not as easy as it sounds, but okay. We'll do it. And we will succeed. Who's smarter, after all - three people who represent the dominant species on the planet, or a tiny little furry person ... who represents the species that figured out how to be waited on paw and foot by said dominant species? That's right, the answer is obvious, and don't forget it.

Then I brought up my pathetic sleep patterns, and carefully brooched the subject of a doggie sleeping aid. The vet squelched this line of thought at once. "Muffy wakes up in the night because she has to go potty," she reminded me needlessly. "If we solve her problem, she'll feel so much better and she'll sleep through the night, right?" Yeaaaah, that's the theory anyway. I'll shut up now, doc. Selfish owner! :-)

pack-rat project management

I had to laugh at Purlingswine's efforts to tackle a household project. The results were all tackle, no project! Who here can't relate to this?

Fresh off the "recently updated" list

The Puzzle Blog. Kewl!

You know you work for the government if ...

(From my boss. All true except the bit about a "bonus check".)

You Know You Work for the Government If...

a.. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
b.. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
c.. Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes. (LOL v. true!)
d.. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
e.. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
f.. Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
g.. Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
h.. You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
i.. Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
j.. Although you have a telephone, pager, E-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and coworkers sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.
k.. You know, and everyone that works with you knows, your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
l.. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
m.. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
n.. When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
o.. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you."
p.. Training is something spoken about but never seen.
q.. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
r.. The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
s.. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

Run! Too late ...

I hereby apologize to all the cat-bloggers. I will never jeer about the hairballs your little darlings hack up and leave on your bedspreads, ever again. Because my older dog has your cats beat, as far as type, variety, and sheer disgustitude of,er, discharge.

I didn't even go to work today. I'm sleep-deprived and not a little nauseous to boot. Muffy is sick, and absolutely driving me crazy. She has periodic diarrhea, so she wakes me up several times a night to go outside. She has to have help on and off our bed. If I don't catch on and put her out quickly, there's a mess. If I try to make her sleep closer to the pet door (in the kitchen with Daisy), she stands at the door and barks ALL. NIGHT. LONG. And there's still a mess. Gaaah! I haven't been this sleep-deprived since I had a baby.

SO ... another vet appointment today. The vet, by the way, claims she's stumped as to the cause. We're working through the normal remedies. Today we'll probably launch some Lab Work. Never mind that Muffy's not a Lab. :: ba-doom-CHA ::

Didn't you hear me yelling?

Panic attack - I'm home today, and I could not get online for five hours. For some reason, my home computer and my server aren't on speaking terms this morning. Suffered much anxiety and withdrawal. I'm cut off! How will I blog? How will I email?! I actually thought about driving to the school library to use their server. Pathetic? Maybe. Call me names, but I would have really done it. I admit, the monkey is on my back here.

But the laptop connects, so everything's all right. Shakes have gone away. Breathing normally again.

suppose they built a city and nobody came?

God, I'm depressed. Depressed and bored. Bored and lonely. Every day is the same as every other. I could use a change of scenery. How about the Caribbean?

Okay. There's this businessman from Oklahoma, see. He reads a lot of Robert A. Heinlein, Ayn Rand, and Napoleon Hill. Out of this, he and his wife develop the inevitable unsavory philosophies, a sort of laissez-faire, capitalist-libertarian-Amway combination. They change their names to Lazarus and Maureen Long, after characters from a Heinlein series. Then they acquire the governance and development rights to this tiny little sandbar in the Caribbean, just east of the Cayman Islands. Oh, and they declare themselves royalty over it. Thus is born the Principality of New Utopia!

From Prince Lazarus's descriptions, it sounds like another offshore-banking establishment where the Mob can launder money. But their marketing vision is pretty far-reaching. For example, there's a medical school that wants in. It will be able to claim a Charter by the Principality, which will give them (at least on paper) the equivalent to U.S. regional accreditation. That's always a scary thought.

I've signed up to be a charter citizen, of course, as if I wouldn't, because it's too funny not to. So far, I have not received my lease agreement. It's probably in the mail. In the meantime, I must at least buy the $10 T-shirt.

In case you've been dying to see where I've been

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

When I was a kid, my family moved from the Midwest to California. We did the trip by car and incorporated the move into a three-week camping trip. Nowadays, my extended family lives neatly within this band of states. (All except my brother in Idaho. I haven't visited him yet, a fact he pointedly reminds me of very often, and will again as soon as he sees this map.)

Giving blood

No, I don't do drugs, I'm not diseased, I'm not on medications, I've never been to prison ... All the preliminary questions they ask at the bloodmobile make me smile. Then I always tell them the same thing: donating blood is a great way for those of us with boring lives to contribute to society.

On suits and feng shui

I went to a senate hearing yesterday afternoon, and had the opp to experience first-hand the burning issue of bad feng shui in the State Capitol building.

I wore My Suit for the occasion, even though I was only sitting in the audience, not doing glamourous stuff like testifying or lobbying. Everybody dresses up for hearings, and it's always more comfortable to blend in at these things. My coworkers noticed My Suit, and gave me heck with all the questions. Mostly they asked if I was going to a funeral. In better times, before the hiring freeze, they would have asked if I was going to an interview. (Alas! We're stuck in our jobs, unless we opt to move to another dept. in the same agency, to a job that's obviously so bad, people already working in the dept. didn't want it.) (Not that I'm bitter.)

Anyway, I understand where Mr. Yee was coming from the other day. The hearing rooms are a study in bad feng shui. The one we were in was built in the 1880's, and it's doubtful the windows have been opened in all that time. There are two doors, but only one is available to enter and exit. The seating consists of small wooden seats in narrow rows that span almost the whole width of the room; a holdover from the olden times, when people were malnourished and only grew to, like, 5'6". To sit down, you have to walk around the whole bloc of seating (scrunching past the witness table), then hobble down a row full of knees until you reach a seat in the middle. Once you're down, you better stay down - seating is limited. So other spectators slouch along the wall. After a few hours, you envy them their ability to circulate blood in their legs. Then there's the air circulation - minimal, quite minimal. Makes you sleepy; you have to be really interested in the testimony to stay awake. Unfortunately, bureaucrats seem to be taught how to speak and write in a way that throws all observers into a stupor (much like this paragraph does).

I wish I'd been braver and had taken a pic of the room. I had my camera with me, and I could have done it virtually unnoticed. But people near me were very near me; I was too intimidated to do it!

I'm off to give blood now. Then, to work.

I am Wesley Crusher - this explains the pimples

[via]

This is a total coincidence, because Anthony and I are working on a crossover episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" guest-starring the cast of "Friends". I'll take this as a sign I need to share a short passage here.

* * * * *

[Young Ensign Wesley Crusher prepares a romantic candlelight dinner for Phoebe in one of the Holodecks. However, since Wesley's mother, Dr. Beverly Crusher, doesn't trust Phoebe (after curing her of twelve different social diseases in Sick Bay), she asks Klingon Security Officer Lt. Worf to chaperone the date.]

Wesley: Phoebe, you look ... well, wonderful. Shall we eat?

Phoebe: Yeah. This is, like, an amazing restaurant. I didn't know you see the Eiffel Tower from space!

Wesley: Well, actually, we're in the holodeck, Phoebe. You see, I programmed the computer to simulate a restaurant on Earth, and a combination of this specialized sensory grid and nanotechnology work to ...

Phoebe: Uh, hello, Earth to ... wherever we are ... never mind. [smiles and begins to eat] So, am I the first girl you've brought to this place?

Wesley: No, but you're the first WOMAN ...

Phoebe: [flattered] You're kind of cute. I know something we can do between courses ...

Wesley: What?

Worf: [sitting alone at the next table] Ahem!

Phoebe: Calm down, Mr. Shar-pei Head, you can be my dessert!

Worf: [glowering] Doctor Crusher would not approve.

Phoebe: Ohhh I see. She's the jealous type. [to Wesley] Y'know, I know she's your mother and all, but she's like, so uptight!

Wesley: [agrees with his mouth full.]

Phoebe: I mean, you're what? Sixteen? Eighteen?

Wesley: Thirty-eight. But Mom keeps me younger-looking with hormone therapy, so that nobody will guess her true age.

Phoebe: Whoa! And you've never ... had a WOMAN ... here?

Wesley: Not yet ...

[Phoebe and Wesley jump up and pull the tablecloth off the table. Dishes and glassware shatter. They mount each other in a frenzy. Polyester earth-tone clothing starts to fly off in all directions. Worf jumps up, but his mile-wide streak of prudery prevents him from intervening directly. He attempts to contact Doctor Crusher by communicator, but discovers the signal is jammed.]

Worf: Computer! Arch!

Computer: Sh-h-h, hold your horses. I'm taping this one to sell to the Romulans.

* * * * *

Update: I've put up a whole blog devoted to our parodies. Go here! And please leave a comment. If you don't like the stuff, leave an anonymous comment. I'm not proud.

Plus, a foreigner heads our "provisional government"

This was written by somebody OUT of state, thank you ...

Why Are We There?

It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there.

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place.

Why are we still there?

We occupy this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable.

Why are we still there?

Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes.

Why are we still there?

It will cost billions to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders against smugglers and foreign terrorist infiltrators.

Why are we still there?

And to repeat. Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land.

It is clear!

WE MUST ABANDON CALIFORNIA!!!

your friend never forget you

It the origami boulder, dumb dumb!

Scratch the bar: the mystery of chocolate

It seems Kimberly owes some friends some special chocolate; consequently, she's been on an exotic chocolate-related search for a while now. Today she posted the method by which one converts cocoa beans into a workable substance. Never knew how that was done, so a most edifying post.

On NPR this morning, Stewart Lee Allen was interviewed about the history of sinful foods. Naturally, chocolate made the Big List. He said several centuries ago, the French denounced cocoa because it was said to dangerously enflame women's passions. I had to laugh when I heard that. The French, worried about enflamed passions? These days, they're rather notorious for that trait - it's their tourist stock-in-trade, if I understand it correctly. Maybe they all got their hands on chocolate, and it weakened their moral resolve.

This morning, somebody brought me a slice of red velvet cake, presumably in honor of Valentine's day (but very early) because it was heart-shaped. Delicious. I didn't know until now that one of red velvet cake's ingredients is cocoa. However, alas, not enough to enflame.

All the best games were pre '85 as well

I am a Thrust-ship. I am small and tricky - where you think I am, I probably am not. I can work very fast, but I tend to go about things in a round about way, which often leaves me effectively standing still. I hate rocks. Bloody rocks. What Video Game Character Are You?

Seems I'm not feeling persecuted enough today to be classified "centipede". I'll take that as a good sign, though that was my favorite game.

[via]

Joy in Wallywood

Eleven Oscar nominations for "Return of the King", baby! After the awards at the Golden Globes, I am going to risk a prediction that ROTK will get Best Picture. My Magic 8 Ball is taking a more cautious stand, responding to my query with "ASK AGAIN LATER".

Later: "WITHOUT A DOUBT". (I guess the 8-Ball had to tune into the Academy's psychic vibes.)

Forgot to say: Mondays bite

What a breathlessly horrid grump I was all day today. It was such a Mondayesque Monday, I didn't even bother to blog about how much I didn't want to be at work, didn't want to concentrate on anything, didn't want to even have my eyes open and my body in an upright position. Gaaaah.

I did manage to find the writings of a few good people, and pretend to be a human being with a sporadic sense of humor. That was all I could muster today.

Now to go home to a nice glass of wine.

Sneaking a look at the blog at the school library

Though this is my third semester attending community college, I've never had the need to sign up for computer privileges at the library. In fact, I'd never noticed the library, howzabout that? But in Stats, we must acquaint ourselves with a program called SSTS (no link here because I know nothing about it -- yet [cue ominous music]). The word is, SSTS is accessible in the library. Huuh? Library? Oh, you mean that big room with all the books on shelves. :-) OK I wasn't quite that clueless. But it really is my first time coming in here with a purpose.

Nice place! Actually not an overwhelming number of books for a library, and no card catalog, but Lord have mercy, what a lot of computer kiosks! Times have changed since my first college experience.

Anyway. Library pass: check. Computer access: check. SSTS: can't find it in Explorer. I'll ask at the desk. But the most important thing of all! Blog access: check!

[The Acme Heartmaker, via]

Words for the modern world

[Via]