beancounter parodies

I walk the mime

Sung to the tune of Johnny Cash's "I Walk The Line".

Written by Guest Parodist Otto

People are loud, brash, and so unrefined
You prefer silence, it is more sublime
I'm not like Moe, Curly, or that Larry Fine
To make you mine, I walk the mime

I try so hard not to be so thin-skinned
Trapped in a box or walking in the wind
Go to confession if by chance you've sinned
Because you're mine, I walk the mime

My shirt and pants, sacre chat, yes, they are tight
They could be let out in the seat a mite
If you don't like it, not applauding is your right
Go suck a lime, I walk the mime

I truly hope that you stay by my side
My love for you grows as the rising tide
Cook us light meals, I can't become too wide
Our love stops time, I walk the mime

Let's go down the Lone Gunman

One of our favorite shows has always been The X-Files. We've argued over its finer points on conspiracies, human-alien hybrids, and sheriffs who turn into werewolves for years. Even in its new life of perpetual syndication, it calls to us late at night, daring us to solve the riddle of writer Chris Carter's convoluted vision.

But our favorite characters, The Lone Gunmen, truly needed a theme song worthy of them, so Anthony wrote one. Here it is, sung to the tune of Don Henley's "Sunset Grill". 

Let's go down the Lone Gunman
And watch the Cancer Man go by
Watch the alien hybrids oozing greeenish drizzle
Stare up as the ships fly high

There's a trio who found the secrets
To them they're all the same
Knows that the Con is all to blame

Down at the Lone Gunman
Down at the Lone Gunman

You see a lot more weirdness on 'The X-Files'
The kind that eats them up alive
Hard to get away with anything that looks like evidence
Hard to keep Skinner on their side

These days the Con leads them onward
And they're spinning in one place
Not even one genetic trace

Down at the Lone Gunman
Down at the Lone Gunman

Detectable aliens rarely stay
They get less detectable everyday
Dont worry Fox, the truth's out there
And someday soon
We're gonna hack the right files and reveal it all --

[Solos, weird noises]

Lets go down to the Lone Gunman
Watch the Cancer Man go by
Watch the alien hybrids oozing greenish dribble
Stare up as the ships fly high

And maybe they'll get their own series
Meanwhile, here's another year
What is Chris Carter trying to say here anyways?
Besides, Robert Patrick's here

Down at the Lone Gunman ...

I can't quit you!

The basic theme of Brokeback Mountain
Sung to the tune of "Gaucho" by Steely Dan

... but if y'all start singing this in the theatre, we never heard of you.

Just when we think
'Nothing to fear
You and I kiss'
That isn't queer
You say this was just a fling
We got girlfriends who wear our ring
One brief affair on a hill
How does that make us gay

Lord I know it's a cowboy stance
To ignore a guy romance
We're both heterosexuals
Or so we believe
Lie again tomorrow

We had sex one night in a tent
It felt okay
I don't know if it's love at all
Would you kiss me again

What is this Brokeback obsession
When all the taboos
Get reduced to merely custom
And a secret we must keep
Bisexual cowboys
Such as ourselves
Will only happy here
High on the mountain side!

- Anthony

No, Jack, No!

Rose's various and sundry laments throughout the movie Titanic, sung to the tune of "Hey Nineteen" by Steely Dan

Way back when
On board Titanic
I was the apple
Of society’s eye

Sexist fiancé
Controlling mother
Trousseaux and diamonds
Who the hell am I

No Jack no
No we got nothing in common
No we can’t talk at all
Please take me along when the iceberg hits

No Jack no
Don’t try to save me
I hate my boyfriend
I’m half alive

Hard times are on us
Edwardian women
Lace up the corsets
Dine first class at five

No Jack no
No we can’t dance in Steerage
No we can’t park the car
Please take me along when the iceberg hits

The sinking boat
The cold Atlantic
Make tonight a terrible trip

No we can’t float together
No we can’t both survive

- pam

Chancellor Palpatine brings down the house

[One of the climactic fight scenes of Star Wars Episode III, sung to the tune of "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head", by Bacharach and David]

Windu is falling on my head
And just like the Sith whose dark apprentice killed him dead
Time is running out
That
Windu is falling on my head, he’s a-falling

Last year I bought me some clones to start a war
But that foolish Dooku told Kenobi what’s in store
Really let me down
Now
Windu is falling on my head, he’s a-falling

But there’s one thing I know
The good guy here to meet me
Won’t defeat me
My new empire
Is so close now no one will cheat me

Windu is falling on my head
But here comes young Anakin who’s finally seeing red
Rescue your new boss
Boy
Windu is falling on his head out the window

And now I’m free
To go ahead with Plan B …

parodies

Amadala's lounge act: guest artist Boss Nass

Sung to the tune of "I Am Woman"

Meesa Gungan, meesa roar
Meesa too big to ignore
Meesa crusha yousa body
With one hand
Jar-Jar Binks, yousa clumsy poo
Meesa banish to Naboo
Meesa puttin’ yousa in exile, understand

Ah! Yes! Yousa back!
Yousa in big-time doodoo, wow
Also yousa friends
Notten welcome here righten now
If meesa have to,
Meesa crushin everyones
Crushin Binks
Crushin Jedis too
Meesa Gungan!

Meesa Gungan, meesa swear
In deesen underwater lair
Meesa hates introoders more den Jar-Jar Biiinks
But yousa outlanders, meesa know,
Have-n a long-o way to go
Meesa offerin yous a bongo, meesa thinks

Ah! Yes! Meesa sees
Yousa lookin much-o sick,
Meesa feelin fine
After yousa Jedi mind-trick
If meesa helpin yous
Yousa take anything –
Take-a ship,
Take-a Jar-Jar too,
Meesa Gungan!

Tag: parodies

Amidala's lounge act opens with a classic

Sung to the tune of "Do You Know The Way To San Jose", by Bacharach and David

Do you know the route to Coruscant
Naboo, I cannot stay
Though the blockade is in my way
Do you know the route to Coruscant
Senators there convene,
But now I'm stuck on Tatooine

Obi-Wan's a real cute Jedi
Take his ponytail, you'd have a star
But that guy Qui-Gon will never get far
Dissing Queen Padme behind her back
The joke's on him
'Cause on a whim
I pulled a switch-with-guard attack

I have no more friends on Coruscant
wo-wo-wowowo-wo-wowowo
I'll take Anakin to Coruscant
wo-wo-wowowo-wo-wowowo
Do you know the route to Coruscant
wo-wo-wowowo-wo-wowowo ...

parodies

Welcome to the Ministry of Magic

The climax of Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
sung to the tune of "Hotel California"

(If anybody can hook me up with someone who will record this under a CC license, I'd be grateful!)

--><--

On the back of a thestral
Cool wind in my hair
Watching Ron and the others
Flail about in midair
Up ahead in the distance
I saw the lights of the town
My scar grew painful and my courage grew dim
I told my ride to touch down

There we stood in the foyer
A bunch of Hogwarts kids
And I was thinking to myself
Won't the Ministry just flip their lids
When they find that the secrets
That they kept locked away
Were so easy to retrieve at will
By the Teen D.A.!

Welcome to the Ministry of Magic
Such a lonely place
Such a spooky space
Hundreds of rooms at the Ministry of Magic
Under lock and key
Not a prob for me

Hermione said to be careful
I led them all through the dark
We marked an X on every, every door
Then we got a shock
The Death-Eaters were waiting
Sweet irony
I was there to save Sirius,
He was there to save me.

So I said to Bellatrix
You shouldn't be here at all.
She said, we do exactly what the Dark Lord says
Whenever we get the call.
And still those voices are moaning
They sound so sad
Lupin said what I didn't want to hear
I'd lost another dad!

Welcome to the Ministry of Magic
Such a lonely place
Such a spooky space
They're running around at the Ministry of Magic
Fresh from Azkaban
What the hell's their plan?

Malfoy with his wand out,
The prophecies on shelves
And he said, we need you to grab one of these
'Cause we can't trust house elves.
Then the Order broke in,
And brought him to defeat.
But not before ol' Ron got brained
And Neville's legs were beat!

Last thing I remember
I was lying on the floor
The Dark Lord tried to end my life
But I was saved by Dumbledore
Relax, said the Minister,
This is an easy thing to fix.
Harry Potter you are off the hook
Until we start Book Six!

Slytherin Girl

sung to the tune of "Cinnamon Girl"

I wanna live with a Slytherin girl
I could brew potions the rest of my life
With a Slytherin girl

A dreamer of Dark Arts
A caster of spells
You see us at Hogwarts
Hexing the first years
My Slytherin girl

Ten angry goblins
An elf in a towel
The centaurs are howling
They yell something foul to
My Slytherin girl

A dreamer of Dark Arts
A teacher of runes
You see us at Hogwarts
Plotting and planning
My Slytherin girl

Ma's in a portrait see
She's shrieking like a banshee
And Dad's in Azkaban
For being You-Know-Who's right-hand man
Yeah/Yeah/Yeah!

(for Jo)

Lyric reinterpretation

Anthony:

Today's game is a strange one: pick a fairly popular (and stupid)song and attach to it the most ludicrous interpretation imaginable.

My move: "Who Let The Dogs Out": I am convinced that this is an allegory about the Protestant Reformation as told from the Pope's (Leo X) viewpoint. The text of the song is Leo, in whose papacy Martin Luther challenged the Catholic Church on matters of scripture and practice, speaking before an assembly of Eurpoean Catholic nobles and decrying the appearance of these dangerous and destructive new forces by crying "who let the dogs out" (ie, Luther and Calvin). Much religous ideolgical warfare of the period in fact invokes the image of the opposition as cunning, dangerous animals. Sir Thomas More, idolized in Catholic intellectual history and the play "A Man For All Seasons" once responded to Luther's challenge of Henry the 8th (back when Henry was pro-Catholic) by vituperatively claiming that all Luther was fit for was to "lick the posterior of a pissing she mule." (I'm not making that up--I've seen the full quote and its attribution.)