Sung to the tune of Johnny Cash's "I Walk The Line".
Written by Guest Parodist Otto
People are loud, brash, and so unrefined
You prefer silence, it is more sublime
I'm not like Moe, Curly, or that Larry Fine
To make you mine, I walk the mime
I try so hard not to be so thin-skinned
Trapped in a box or walking in the wind
Go to confession if by chance you've sinned
Because you're mine, I walk the mime
My shirt and pants, sacre chat, yes, they are tight
They could be let out in the seat a mite
If you don't like it, not applauding is your right
Go suck a lime, I walk the mime
I truly hope that you stay by my side
My love for you grows as the rising tide
Cook us light meals, I can't become too wide
Our love stops time, I walk the mime
to come from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry:
1. Thestral Love Glands
2. The Hinkypunkz
3. Grawp and the Aragogs
4. Megadeth-Eeterz
5. Rave -N- Claw
Every Auror in the world is looking for Sirius Black, but I can find him in two days flat while carrying a grungy piece of parchment in my beak. Yet I can't open a simple cage and rustle up a frog for dinner.
That's why I carry the Wizarding Express Card®. With the Wizarding Express Card, I can order in a nice blast-ended skrewt pizza, any time I want - even when the Muggles put that shaggy kid and me on the ol' bread-and-water diet. And the monthly statement is automatically deducted out of my personal Gringott's account.
What? - of course I have a fortune in Gringott's. How else do you think Sirius Black keeps his location a secret?
The Wizarding Express Card. Don't fly without it.
[Diehard Tolkien fans continually lament the fact that, both times the trilogy was brought to the screen, the Bombadil scene was left out. What's the Bombadil scene? Early on in the book Fellowship of the Ring, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are rescued by Tom Bombadil, an eccentric character with yellow boots and mystical powers. Bombadil shelters the hobbits in his home and introduces them to his girlfriend, the beautiful Goldberry, Daughter of the River.
Though not crucial to the plot - nearly unwarranted, come to think of it - the Bombadil chapters do advance the reader's overall knowledge of the Middle Earth pantheon. And who's not in favor of that?
Anyway, being a reasonable facsimile of diehard Tolkien fans, we hereby present the long-neglected Bombadil scene, as it might be conceived by some of our favorite movie directors.]
THE BOMBADIL SCENE, by Merchant-Ivory
[A very proper looking forest. Strains of Mozart or Elgar in the background. Four hobbits walk into frame, all dressed very discreetly.]
Frodo: What a jolly nice forest.
Sam: Yes, so very much like Manchester in spring.
Merry: Yet ... [moment of deep introspection] Somethig not quite ... not quite ...
Pippin: Indeed. I know the feeling. Rather like London in '47.
Merry: Or '48. That was bad as well.
Pippin: Quite.
[They walk on for awhile.]
Frodo: Somehow, chaps, there is a feeling going around that we shouldn't be here, that it's been bad for ages and we've been ...
Sam: Ignoring the problem?
Frodo: There is no problem. Just a feeling.
Pippin: Those can be important.
[They stop for high tea. As they are eating cucumber sandwiches, unspoken personal tension builds between them. Then, a tree branch entraps them in a leisurely manner.]
Frodo: I say.
Sam: Indeed.
Merry: I've always loved you.
Pippin: Do be sensible, dear boy.
[Tom Bombadil strolls out of the forest. He has a few quiet but authoritarian words with the tree and it lets go. The hobbits straighten up and dust their clothing off.]
Sam: Most disagreeable.
Frodo: Still, not as bad as Birmingham in '39.
Sam: Indeed. Nice day for a stroll to Bree.
Pippin: Dear boy, I couldn't hear a word you said back there.
Merry: Indeed. [Shoots himself out of long-denied love.]
- Anthony
Knowing the Puritans, they were OFFICIALLY giving thanks for being delivered from the Popish Beast of Anglican England.
Unofficially, of course, they most likely sending up a big Holla Back to God for putting something on the table that wasn't seaweed or treebark.
Miles Standish: Oh lord, we give thee praise for delivering us from the foul bondage of the Anti-Christ. We honor thee, oh Lord, for thy...
Captain John Smith: What's that huge thing in the center of the table?
Pocahontas: Our people call that a "turkey" oh Rather Cute Man From Across The Sea.
Miles Standish: We shoud be focusing on our deliverance from the horrors of Charles's Papist ways...
Smith: Smells good. What's that red goo next to it?
Pocahontas: Another dish of my people, oh Beefcake Of A Different Tribe. We call it "cranberry garnish."
Smith: Smells wonderful.
Standish (loudly): THE SMELL IS UNIMPORTANT NEXT TO THE BREATH OF FRESH AIR OF LIVING AWAY FROM THE SEDUCTIONS OF THE WHORE OF BABYLON!
Pocahontas: And that round object oh Pale But Pretty Boytoy is a pumpkin pie. For later. I hope you're not going to invite Standish to our wedding. Guy's got real territorial issues going on. Plus, Daddy hates Lutheran heretics....
Smith: Don't worry--I'll tell him that there are Catholics in the next state. He's so easily distracted ...
Anthony
[Diehard Tolkien fans continually lament the fact that, both times the trilogy was brought to the screen, the Bombadil scene was left out. What's the Bombadil scene? Early on in the book Fellowship of the Ring, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are rescued by Tom Bombadil, an eccentric character with yellow boots and mystical powers. Bombadil shelters the hobbits in his home and introduces them to his girlfriend, the beautiful Goldberry, Daughter of the River.
Though not crucial to the plot - nearly unwarranted, come to think of it - the Bombadil chapters do advance the reader's overall knowledge of the Middle Earth pantheon. And who's not in favor of that?
Anyway, being a reasonable facsimile of diehard Tolkien fans, we hereby present the long-neglected Bombadil scene, as it might be conceived by some of our favorite movie directors.]
THE BOMBADIL SCENE
as directed by James Cameron
(Setting: a spectacularly creepy, shadowed and digitally perfect forest. Nervous camera work as Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin enter the forest.)
Sam: I don't know, man this wasn't such a smart idea. The Forest--bad vibes up the wazoo here.
Frodo: Look, Gandalf said "do the Forest" and that's what the mission is. Any other complaints?
Merry: Yeah, Frodo, who do I have to kill to get out of this chikenshit quest?
Sam: Can it, Shorty.
Merry: Who're you calling 'Shorty'?
Pippin: Man, I was gettin close to retiring to the Barrow Downs.
[The forest turns darker and creepier. Hanging branches mimicking distorted arms bend over and scrape the travlers. After a few close calls, Frodo calls a halt.]
Frodo: Park it. This looks safe.
[At this point a truly state-of-the-art digitial tree branch whips its way up through the forest floor. All four hobbits put up a terrific struggle but the tree slowly and painfully draws them into its tightening grip.]
Sam: Frodo, what was that emergency signal Gandalf gave us?
Frodo: Something like "Help, we needed some fuckin' help."
[All the hobbits scream for help]
[Tom Bombadil (played by Sigourney Weaver) come out of the forest wearing really cool Elvish battle gear. She sees the four in trouble and immediately goes to work attacking the tree.]
Bombadil: Get away from them, you BIRCH!
[After a lot of yelling and smiting the tree reluctantly gives up the four.]
Bombadil: Hobbits, we are out of here.
Frodo: Hey, Bombadil, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Bombadil: No, have you? [They all flee.]
-Anthony
Reworking the biggest movie tagline of the year ...
Food Inspector:
Samuel L. Jackson stars as a fair-minded airline quality control agent, who, mid-flight, discovers an evil plot to kill an FBI witness by overdosing him on peanuts, pretzels, mini-chocolate chips and such like. The climax of the film is Jackson's gone-berserk agent yelling "I'm tired of these motherf*cking snacks on this motherf*cking plane!"
Harry Potter and The Flight Of Evil:On board a "muggle broomstick" (ie, a DC-10) Harry, Ron and Hermione and Professor Flynn uncover a plot by a former Hogwarts professor to spread the Dark Lord's cause by use of a sinister replicating potion. This culminates in a scene where a wand-waving Flynn yells "I'm tired of these motherf*cking Snapes on this motherf*cking plane!"
The Blue Collar Comedy Tour Takes To The Sky:
A black paasenger aboard an otherwise all-white flight festuring JeffFoxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy goes nuts and ends up screaming "I'm tired of all these motherf*cking japes on this motherf*cking plane!"
The Ice Cream Contingency:Samuel L Jackson plays a health-food writer trapped abaord a plane of ice-cream executives with a sinister agenda to make America even fatter. This naturally results in a show-stopping moment where SLJ yells "I'm tired of all thse motherf*cking shakes on the motherf*cking plane!"
In an alternate version of Harry Potter (book six or so), the Hogwarts students meet a new substitute teacher from America ...
[Setting: Hogwarts. The clearing near the forest and Hagrid's house. A group of sixth years stands around. Professor McGonagill clears her throat.]
McGonagill: Your attention everyone. Since Hagrid has temporarily left Hogwarts on official business, I am pleased to introduce your new Care of Magical Creatures instructor, former American FBI agent Nelville Flynn.
[Professor Flynn (played by none other than Samuel L. Jackson) comes out of Hagrid's house. He is wearing beat up robes and his wand says "Bad To The Bone" on it.]
Prof. Flynn: Thank you Professor McGonagall. It's a real pleasure to be teaching this position. Good to be back in the wizarding world, too.
McGonagill: Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted with your first class. [She leaves.]
Prof. Flynn: Good afternoon students. I am certainly delighted to be here. First things, though. Since an encounter with a partcularly powerful Dark Wizard on a Muggle plane, my memory is a little poor. So you won't mind if I give you nicknames for awhile. [Points at Ron Weasley.] You're Mr. Red. [At Malfoy.] You're Mr. Pale. [At Harry.] You'll be Mr. Scar. [At Hermione.] My, my, you are one fine ... I'm gonna call you Ms. Curly. [Leers.]
Malfoy: Why do I have to be Mr. Pale? Why can't I be Mr. White?
Prof. Flynn: [Playing ominously with wand] That's a nice looking broom you have ...
Malfoy: Mr. Pale! Yes sir!
Prof. Flynn: Thank you. Now students. I know this class is usually called "Care of Magical Creatures," But Dumbledore figures that you're ready for a little more repsonsibility. So for all intents, this class is now going to be "Care of Bad-Ass Muthafucking Creatures." Like this. [Waves wand.] Accio serpent. [A large and nasty looking albino cobra appears.] Can anyone tell me what that is?
Hermione [naturally]: Please Professor Flynn, that's an arctic cobra. Very rare and extremely poisonous. Reputedly they are early experiments by You-Know-Who.
Prof. Flynn: Very good Ms. Curly. That's some excellent observations. Ten fine points to Gryffyndor. Now, students, pay attention. [Kicks a big-ass crate with his foot] What I got in this box is really gonna scare you. It scared the shit outta some airplane passengers last August, that's for damn sure. So stand back!
[Waves his wand. The box disappears. Venomous snakes of all sizes slither all over the place. Students scream and jump. Fang barks in alarm.]
Prof. Flynn: Do as I say and you'll live!
[Suddenly, Harry speaks to the snakes in a spooky, whispery voice. The snakes converge and slither away through the door of the hut.]
Prof. Flynn: Godammit! Whatja do that for?
Harry: I-I was just trying to --
Prof. Flynn: That's it! I am tired of all these muthafucking SNAKES in my muthafucking HUT!