What would the 6 Million Dollar Man cost today? $6 billion, more likely ... More importantly, would Colonel Steve Austin's gentle 70's sensibilities make it in the 21st century?
Show intro:
"Steve Austin. Astronaut. A man barely alive.
"We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better ... Stronger ... Faster.
"But first, we need to fill out these legal forms from the EPA about mitigating the negative environmental impacts of bionics technology. Then we have to respond to an accusation from NOW that we discriminated against several critically injured women as candidates for radical bionics repair. Next, we have to deal with the motion picture, TV, promotional and international rights, residuals and cybernetic rights accruing from any possible media tie-ins this project may engender. Which reminds me - register "bionicman.com" right away. Plus, we've got three lawsuits from witnesses to the crash, claiming 'extreme mental anguish' due to one of Colonel Austin's arms ended up in their swimming pool, not to mention that Fox News has already accused us of backing Hillary in 2008."
Premiere Episode:
Steve Austin is banned from his local hipster coffee shop when it's discovered all his special adaptations mess up the local wifi network. He is content to stay at home, drink Sanka, and learn how to surf the web, but the government has other plans for him. He is directed to infiltrate and disrupt a WTO protest rally. He succeeds by jamming all the iPhones, which forces all the protesters to drop their signs and run to the Apple store for tech support.
Episode Two:
In the course of his spy duties, Steve Austin uses his bionic eye in a crowd of 7th grade Girl Scouts. Unable to prove his innocence in what amounts to a thought-crime, he is hustled through the legal system and fitted with an electronic ankle bracelet before you can say 'Rule of Law'. When he tries to leave for a mission in Kuwait, he sets off security alarms at the airport.
Final Episode:
Colonel Austin is sent by the government to "free political prisoners" held by terrorists in Venezuela. Once there, he discovers the terrorist is really President Hugo Chavez. Colonel Austin has an existential crisis about whether the US has the right to cynically interfere in world affairs. Special guest star Geoffrey Rush plays a high-level Blackwater sniper who kills Colonel Austin and gives the Venezuela mission to Jack Bauer.
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