beancounter parodies

Revenge, or whatever

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Sweeney Todd: The Movie

as directed by Kevin Smith

Mrs. Lovett: [Played by ?? I'm thinking Lara Flynn Boyle but I'll take suggestions.] So it IS you! Sweeney F*king Todd! My old tenant! Back from the dead!

Sweeney Todd: [Played by Brian Halloran] OK, yeah, you guessed it. It's me. [Sighs.] Whataya want now, a f*cking medal?

Mrs. Lovett: What the hell are you doing back on Fleet Street?

Sweeney Todd: Oh, I dunno. I thought I’d, y’know, see about opening up the ol' barber shop again. Try and get some new customers, take up where I left off. Look up my old friends, Jay and Silent Bob. Just try and forget the whole shitty experience of being accused of a crime I didn’t commit, convicted by a corrupt judge, manumitted to a penal colony in Australia for years, losing my wife and daughter and all that happy horseshit.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, Mr. Todd, speaking of your family, I know for a fact your daughter is alive but about to be raped by the very judge who sentenced you. And your wife? She became a crazy homeless skank.

Sweeney Todd: [Stares off into the distance] On the other hand ... there's always Revenge. Yeah. Revenge might work, too. Whatever.

Mrs. Lovett: Great. Lemme find that room key …

A man, a plan

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Sweeney Todd: The Movie

As Directed by Ivan Reitman [I go with my strengths, too - pam]

Sweeney [Played by Bill Murray]: Ugh. This guy is heavy. [Speech punctuated with grunts] From now on, we kill only skinny guys. Blubberbus here is knockin the wind out of me. Whew! I gotta rest.

Mrs. Lovett [Played by Annie Potts]: Look, are you gonna help me drag this thing downstairs, or not? I haven’t got all day.

Toby: [Played by Steve Zahn]: [Walking up the stairs] Hey, I don’t know if you guys wanna hear this, but there’s a dead body? Down in the cellar? An’ I think it’s the beedle? [Looks at the dead body] Okay, no, THAT’S the beedle. [Takes a deep sigh.] Well, if anybody wants me, I’ll just be in the corner, going insane.

Sweeney: [To Toby] Hey. You’re really weird. You’re like, Fellini weird. Do you do drugs?

Toby: Every day, man.

Sweeney: Can I have some?

Lovett: Will somebody PLEASE get the feet?

Sweeney: [Looks down at the body] Can’t we just roll it down the stairs?

[Sweeney and Lovett heave the body into position, and then nudge and kick it until it falls down the stairs. The extended crashing sounds make everybody wince comically.]

Sweeney: Good. [Rubs his hands together] Nap time.

Lovett: Not so fast, Bub. Now there are two bodies downstairs to dispose of. You got any plans?

Sweeney: Plans? Plans? Mrs. Lovett, there are days when I look in the mirror and I say to myself, 'General Napoleon …'

Lovett: Sweeney Todd!

Sweeney: 'Sweeney Todd, you are meant for great things. You –' [Toby silently nudges Sweeney, hands him a lit joint] Thanks, man. 'You can do so much better than Fleet Street. You could become the next Prime Minister. All you need is, the right plan.' And then I usually pitch over onto the floor and sleep it off. Bottom line? – I got no plans. [Tokes]

Lovett: Well, I’m thinking, we could always use fresh meat in the pie shop …

Sweeney: Oh! Uh huh. Yes!

Toby: Sorry, I’m not following.

Sweeney: Me neither.

Lovett: Oy.

Pies and latkas

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Sweeney Todd: The Movie

As Directed by Woody Allen [go with your strengths, I say - Anthony]

Sweeney Todd (Played by Woody): Locked up in a gentile penal colony for a decade. Oy. Have you tried getting a decent latka in Australia?

Mrs. Lovett (Played by Diane Keaton, of course): I'm so confused. I like you, but making money by killing people is so... so Jewish...

Sweeney: So Jewish? Are you kidding? What, did all of London join the Nazis while I was out?

Mrs. Lovett: Look, have a ham pie while I try to straighten out my very WASP feelings for you.

Sweeney: Who was this pie made from, Tab Hunter?

Lovett: Actually, my rival from down the bake shop down the street, Mrs Mooney.

Sweeney: Mooney, huh? Don't like the Irish? I think, any people who do what they do to corned beef have enough tribulations.

Lovett: I know! We'll just make pies from people who talk during movies at the Thalia and say nice things about Los Angeles.

Sweeney: Wow. I thought shiksas were only dangerous during divorce proceedings!