beancounter parodies

The Fang Files

What if Anne Rice's famous characters in Interview With a Vampire got TV exposure?

Pt. 4: X-Files (of course!)

[Setting: Agent Fox Mulder's windowless, moldering office in the basement of the FBI building]

Mulder [Louis]: Scully, I know you're a dedicated FBI agent and all, but haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to be immortal, even at the price of perpetual evil ... and an extreme change in dietary habits?

Scully: Mulder, I'm just wondering why I haven't seen you during the day for the last few years. And why you look so pale. And why you've suddenly decided to hang around that sociopathic hitman, Alex Krycek.

Krycek [Lestat] [entering office]: Because Mulder and I have entered into an unnatural relationship, Agent Scully. We are doomed to walk the earth in never-ending night, and to feast on the very essence of the sun-worshipping world around us.

Mulder: No, no! This "change", as you call it, is merely another manifestation of the Con's attempt to colonize this planet, albeit with a new human/alien hybrid - the vampire. You've been taken in, Krycek. I must tell you this, even though I do love you and hate you simultaneously.

Scully: Oh God, you've been watching your DVD of Brokeback Mountain again. [Humorous Mark Snow synth sting]

Assistant Director Skinner [Marius] [entering office]: Mulder, why is Agent Scully still breathing? Why haven't you either tasted her sweet, sweet red essence, or brought her over to revel in the pleasures of the Dark Path for all the future nights?

Scully: That's it! I've heard enough! [pulling a cross and some holy water from her handbag] Back off, all of you. I will use this. I may not "believe", but I have seen, Mulder, and I know there's a perfectly reasonable scientific explanation for all of you. [She runs from the room.]

Skinner: After her, Agent Mulder!

Mulder: I feel so guilty. I need to feed yet I feel so terrible about it.

Krycek [to Skinner]:  Can't we just lock him in a coffin or something?

Lawyers and other vampires

What if Anne Rice's famous characters in Interview With a Vampire got TV exposure?

Pt. 3: Night Court

[Scene: a Manhattan arrainment courtroom]

Public Defender Louis: [seated, speaking morosely to someone off-camera] … and that, most fateful of evenings, was the last time I ever saw the sun. But enough about me. When did YOU become a vampire?

D.A. Dan Fielding: Baby, the day after I passed the Bar!

Bull: Order in the court. All rise. The Honorable Judge LeStat, presiding.

LeStat: [bounding into the courtroom] Thank you, thank you! Be seated. May we have the first contestant?

Dan: [consulting a file] Your Honor, Mr. Santiago here is charged with littering.

LeStat: Ah, welcome back, Santiago. How many times have you been in my court for um, "littering"?

Santiago: [sneering evilly] Four times, LeStat. But the last time should not count because –

Louis: [startled] Santiago!? But I decapitated you, you monster!

Santiago: -- because I suddenly lost my head.

LeStat: Oh yes, that's right. Public Defender Louis, how does your client plead?

Louis: He is NOT my client! He killed the only person dear to me! He deserves ... to die ... er, again??

Dan: Technically, Your Honor, littering is just a misdemeanor, and I have too much paperwork as it is.

LeStat: Very well. Fifty dollar fine and time served. And please don't "litter" in my precinct anymore, Santiago. [Bangs gavel.] Next?

Louis: LeStat! I protest!

LeStat: Louis, we’ve got to make this evening march. I have the famous Mel Torme waiting in chambers and I’m longing to have a bite of - er, I mean, with him.

On deck: Kierkegaard + Vampire snogging

What if Anne Rice's famous characters in Interview With a Vampire got TV exposure?

Pt 2: Cheers

Lestat: [The preening bartender/owner of a popular Boston evening hangout] You know Louie, the moment you dragged your sorry fangs into this joint I've been regretting it.

Louis: [A handsome but snobby night-school student] Wow, that's the longest you've gone without splitting an infinitive or dangling a modifier!

Lestat: You can't stand it that I'm not only popular with every warm-blooded chick in town but also I enjoy being a vampire.

Louis: We feed on death. We are a Kierkegaardian void unable to be filled for eternity. I loathe you and your smugness.

Lestat: You just want my ability to suck without any guilt-trips!

Louis: We are God's condemned, hunger without conscience and I think you're so HOT when you parade your callousness throughout time!

Lestat: I've been waiting since 1867 to hear you admit that....[They clinch in a vampire kind of way]

Interview with an odd couple

What if Anne Rice's famous characters in Interview With a Vampire got TV exposure?

Pt 1: The Odd Couple

[Setting: a 1970's New York apartment]

Louis: Will you look at this mess?! Lestat, we have a bridge tournament in less than five minutes, and you – you – just look at this place!

Lestat: [looking around] So it’s a little untidy. We’re two working men who live together in Manhattan. Your bridge ladies love you, they’ll understand!

Louis: Will they understand – THIS? [Picks up a dead courtesan wearing a bloody gown, shakes it at Lestat angrily.] [laughtrack]

Lestat: Oh, just throw it behind the couch, Louis, they’ll never see it.

Louis: [coldly] That’s where the constable is. [laughtrack]

Lestat: [unconcerned] Is there any dip for these Fritos? [laughtrack]