ClerkClerk
What if the screenplay of "Clerks" had been written by the editors of the e-zine BoingBoing?
[Dante and Randal are two underachieving clerks at the convenience store. Jay and Silent Bob, two drug dealers, stand around outside. The film is shot in edgy black and white (for its viciously satirical pomo retro styling). Dante and Randal lean on the counter and stare at their Foxfire-based wifi powerbooks instead of talking directly to each other.]
Dante: Wouldja look at this? Record labels are so afraid that their markets are about to disappear as their customers move from buying CDs to downloading pirated music, that they put enough pressure on Suprnova.org that it fucking had to cancel its bit torrent P2P network! [link]
Randal: Bunch of fucking savages in this town.
Customer: May I use your restroom?
Dante: Er … I should tell you, our boss is in the middle of modeling the men’s room after a working Victorian-era urinal in the Crich Tramway Village in Derbyshire, and it’s up for an award presented by His Royal Highness The Duke of Gloucester. [link]
Randal: And the lights don’t work.
Customer: I’ll be careful. Do you mind if I take a pr0n magazine, too? I need reading material.
Dante: Sure. We’re very, very open-minded about pr0n around here. We recommend some fabu material by Sui/cide Girls, and not just because they pay a lot of money to advertise here! [link][link][link] Warning: NSFW!
Woman customer: Excuse me. Did you notice the guy despondently smashing cartons of eggs at the back of your store?
Randal: Uh-oh. You mean the free-range eggs from an organic farm in Portland, Oregon, run entirely by Norwegian ex-hookers who also make external iPod battery packs out of empty Altoids boxes and nine-volt batteries? [link][link]
Dante: Dude! UPDATE! Those iPod cases are being decorated with beaded Krishna motifs by ex-Bollywood video artists who have HIV! [link]
Woman customer: I feel so sorry for that guy. He used to be a Mac sysadmin.
Randal: Ah, man! We loves us some sysadmin!
Woman customer: … until he started moonlighting as a blog spammer.
Dante: WTF! We hate blog spammers, man! [Kicks the egg man to the floor]
Randal: Hey, UPDATE, man. Blog spammers are the existential equivalent to bit torrent pirates, surfing the web the way bandits used to ride the wide, open ranges of the lawless American West, looking for economic opportunity with perfect impunity from society’s artificially-imposed obligation to tow the line of the status quo, man. [link] [Thanks, Sartre!]
Dante: I guess you’re right.
[Jay and Silent Bob appear at the door]
Jay: Uh, you guys might want to take a look at this.
Dante: Oh, what now?
Jay: Some fucker from Gizmodo e-mag [link] is outside, and he says digital rights management is the wave of the fucking future that will fucking save intellectual property rights, an’ still present a marketable format for files that appeals to the consumer. [link]
Dante: WHAT?!?
Jay: Yeah, he’s spouting some happy horseshit about how fucking crucial it is to a capitalist economy that the fucking hermaphrodites keep their fucking videos from being copywrite-violated when pirates hack into their IPs, and the only solution is a fucking eBook reader with clout, and also convenient DRM to really break open the fucking market, or some shit. [link][link]
Woman customer: What is he babbling about?
Dante: I don’t believe that guy! What kind of wired net-ziner says shit like that? It’s like he sat down and read “Blanket Licensing Schemes for Dummies”, and then got stoned and IM’d a hip e-zine article to his boyfriend, without reference to any of the activity in the field!
Egg Man: I'm going to Disneyland!
Woman customer: God, you guys are a bunch of losers.
Silent Bob: Hey. Want me to deck him for ya with my genuine Tibetan goatskin-covered bong? [link]
Dante: I’M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
Stumble it!
This would be excruciatingly funny if I understood what the hell was being parodied....As it is, it's merely very funny!
Posted by: Anthony | December 28, 2004 at 08:03 AM
Hells yeah, that's funny shit yo.
Posted by: maya | December 28, 2004 at 02:20 PM
awesome.
Posted by: odograph | January 10, 2005 at 06:52 PM
Ummm, how can you do a bOINGbOING spoof with nary a single mention of Disneyland?
Still, it's pretty funny...
Posted by: Odd Bird | January 10, 2005 at 07:39 PM
Ummm, how can you do a bOINGbOING spoof with nary a single mention of Disneyland?
Still, it's pretty funny...
Posted by: Odd Bird | January 10, 2005 at 07:42 PM
I swear I'm the guy who coined the term "ninja movies"(thankyou, thankyou).
I don't know the odds of someone else coming up with that name for the same thing.
During high school my parents could rudely pick up the phone at anytime and intrude while my friends and I were planning our "ninja movie" adventures ,"wanna go watch some ninja movies?" . That was our code language. "Disney movies" was the next level up. Can I get credit in some slacker dictionary now?
Posted by: Hyperspaz | January 10, 2005 at 07:53 PM
Yup, I can vouch for that. I'm gonna see about getting it officially recognized.
Posted by: Fresh Rigavich | January 10, 2005 at 08:08 PM
damn, I used to have one of those [quote]genuine Tibetan goatskin-covered bong[/quote], till some fat fuck went and bogarted it with a sloppy kiss. (yeah, S.B. I'm talking to you bitch).
snooch-poochie's baby
Posted by: dsk | January 11, 2005 at 02:02 AM
Ooh, that's clever! It's also a bit scary - some of the BoingBoing obsessions were getting under my skin, and I wasn't reading it with a healthy amount of scepticism (which one should apply to any media source, of course). Thanks for restoring a little perspective ;)
Posted by: NRT | January 11, 2005 at 04:29 AM
Wow, all these years of posting cutting-edge (or at least nicking-edge) parodies and suddently you're the Flavor of the Month! I'd be hideously jealous if I weren't your #1 with a Tibetan goat-skin bong Fan!
Posted by: Anthony | January 11, 2005 at 11:30 AM
F'ing classic. Love it.
Posted by: 0 8 | January 11, 2005 at 11:46 AM
Hilarious.
gizmodo is actually pretty anti-DRM for what its worth.
Posted by: blortus | January 11, 2005 at 01:27 PM
wikid awesome. when will you be posting the other 88 minutes? Am dying to hear the video shop scene...
Posted by: tonyatthedisco | January 12, 2005 at 12:27 AM