About the women's mag cover

Speaking of those dreadful women's magazines, here's a handy guide to the confusing welter of messages on the front covers of these "family and home" type women's magazines.

First, may I present Exhibit A:

The front cover of every women's mag must feature these categories.

1) The number. Example: "52 Decorating Tips". The number is usually in the biggest headline. The number rarely ends in zero. This gives the impression the staff printed absolutely every tip they could think of, instead of stopping at a round number. More tips for your shopping dollar!

2) The diet or exercise. Examples: "Firmer tummy in a weekend!" or "Drop a dress size in 5 days!" This headline is usually at the middle-top of the page, and appears very near the paradoxical category:

3) The dessert recipe(s). Sexy words and phrases are a must in these headlines. "Irresistable chocolate desserts", "Tantalizing holiday goodies". Alternately, you might get an appeal to family tradition. "Cakes like Grandma used to make".

4) The scare. At least one headline pretends to be scientific, even as it frightens unduly. Example: "11 Cancer Risks in your kitchen", or "Dog dandruff: Hidden asthma danger?".

5) The guilt trip. Sometimes doubling as the scare, the guilt trip plays off the tapes that secretly run in a family woman's head; the litany of worry that she doesn't do enough for her husband, neighbors, children, pets, parents, in-laws, and oh yes almost forgot, herself. Topics vary greatly, and there may be several on a cover: "12 Stress-busters", "Easy dinners in 20 minutes", "Sandwich generation: Juggling kids and parents", "Toddler blues? Telecommute!".

6) The case study. Usually reserved for Giant Issues or the summer months, the case study is a perfect outlet in which the women's magazines can teach those traditional insecurities to its faithful target readership. "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" is the classic example.

At first glance, they seem to send seemingly contradictory signals. In reality, each cover is one long, complex message that will first teach you new things to worry about, then push all your inferiority buttons, and finally, take advantage of your compulsion to look for easy fixes.

Family Circle magazine and others like them count on their tricky covers to ensnare you. You, the shopper, are meant to infer, against all logic and personal experience, that at least one of 34 tricks will organize your kids' closets forever. That by reading one made-up anecdote about one marriage, you can improve your own relationship all by yourself (or at least congratulate yourself that your marriage isn't as bad as hers, mwheh-heh). And the worst, in my opinion: that it's possible for a human female to succeed in losing x amount of weight or inches, while making all those 50 gazillion calorie desserts!

So. Shall we buy a copy of The Star instead? :-)

Comments

[Snowball]

This is so apt it's scary, Pam. The scare and the guilt trip are the most prevaling forms of female entertainment alive today.

[jo]

Yes! Yikes.

[Alicia]

It's no wonder Martha Stewart was so popular. Only she could accomplish all these feats at the same time.

It's also no wonder women in the United States have a high incidence of depression and poor body image. Ugh.